u/Due-Letter-8531

I know it's not supposed to be ok to ask for like real talk on here so it's fine if it gets deleted.
Just seeing if any other girls are on this late. Hugs to everyone!

Just posting tonight ig. I wrote about some stuff I did this weekend which I know wasn't good but it was good for ME I think, in a way?

After posting, I started thinking about all the stuff that happnd to me when I was young. I told the story here before of my first time being basically molested when I was 11.

And it happend a LOT after that! But right now I was thinking about some of the boys at my school when I was probably 14? I went to a school that was 8th up to 12th grade. So like classes were separate but all the same campus.

And I swear I am not tryna make a thing of it but I think I said in another post that girls who develop early get a LOT more unwanted attention than the other girls do.

So by 14, I was a full C. And obvs boys at school notice but I started relizing that a lot of my men teachers would look at me a lot and the other girls who were more developed. I had a history teacher that year who had me stay after class a lot because it was my last one and I would help him clean up. And I thought it was a special privalege to get to help the teacher! I mean, it was! But I guess he wanted it more special?

One time I was doing my regular thing, picking up trash in the room and bringing him books and stuff that kids left and he asked me to wipe down all the desks. So I did and was just all LALALA cleaning and singing and didn't know he was sitting at his desk and watching my butt the whole time and "helping himself." I don't know how I found out. I think he made some noise and I turned around and could see his arm going. And I already knew guys did that so knew what he was doing. But I never thout of a teacher doing that and it kind of weirded me out. And without thinking first I asked him what he was doing.

And he was embarased I'm pretty sure? But he told me to come over and see. I remember thinking I KNEW what I was going to see but he was a teacher and I can't disobey a teacher.
So I walk up and it was the biggest one I saw by then. Like I saw maybe a few others before that but it was like teen guys.

This is getting long so I'll just say he made me touch him and finish what he was doing. And made me undo my top to look at my boobs and feel them.

And I rember a few years later in 11th grade, he got in a lot of trouble for doing stuff with a 9th grader and had to leave. But it just made me think of how many girls other than me did he do stuff with and they didn't say anything like me.

I don’t know how this works here but if this is not okay to post here, it’s ok to take it down.  It’s going to be a lot!

 

My husband came home today which I wanted more than anything.   AND we had sex!  Three times since my bday when everything got effed up.  And it was nice and sweet and I felt like he was really with me and not worrying about his father or work.  Just me! 

 

But now he’s dead asleep upstairs and I’m down here with a glass of wine, some Xanax and wanting to talk or write or wtv and figure out WHY I did what I did over the weekend??

I mean I know why.   For the same reason I always used to before I met him.  After my rape in college.

 

My therapist used to tell me I was doing it so I could connect to what happened and make it make sense but that I wouldn’t find what I was looking for that way.  But when I did it?  It was amaaaaazing and all of my fear and anxiety and bad memories were GONE!  And it was just me, the center of attention I could act like I didn’t want.   And fight and cry and yell all of it out!  And the FEELING of it, O M G!  Good doesn’t come close.  It was like being on floaty yummy drugs that you don’t get sick from.  I was out of myself and could just enjoy whatever they were doing to me.

 

So yeah, since my bday, all those feelings have been coming back and I’ve REEALLLY really tried to ignore them.  Talking to people here.  Posting a fuckton.  I even called my old therapist but she’s on vacation for like a month.  I don’t know why last night was when I couldn’t stop it anymore.  I honestly felt like I was in a trance when I showered and put on makeup and picked out a dress I knew would get me noticed.  I mean it’s not hard for me to GET noticed lol.  But had to make sure.

 I don’t know how far I drove because I can’t remember getting home.  I’m pretty sure I went to two different places.  Dive bar and a nightclub.  The bar was boring but I stayed an hour and had a few drinks to psych myself up.  The club I looked up said that ladies need to be aware or come with dates.  That it gets an aggressive crowd later at night.   Which it definitely did!

 

I got hit on as soon as I walked in.  I had to pee so I went right to the ladies room and was hit on at least two more times before getting there.   After I came out, a guy was literally waiting for me with a drink outside the bathroom area.  I drank it wondering if he did anything to it.  Pretty sure he didn’t.  It didn’t matter tho.  We danced, he touched me a lot, said how FUN I was!  And made me go with him to meet his friends.  They wanted to do shots so I did shots.  They wanted to dance so I danced.  They wanted to touch and I let them.  I heard them talking about me when they thought I wasn’t listening. 

 

“Dude, we gotta get her back to the house.”  “Dude, look at her tits.  She’s falling out of that thing.”  “Dude, she’s so fucking hot!”  “Dude, I bet she’d go for it.”  Lots of “dudes.”  

I don’t remember going out to their car.   I DO remember hands on me and crying and telling them to get off me.  I don’t remember how my dress came off.  I DO remember one of them saying what a slut I am for not having panties.  I don’t remember which one went first.  I DO remember how it felt when he pushed into me.  BIG!

That floaty amazing feeling I wanted.  And they all gave it to me.  One thing I do remember was thinking what a huge fucking car they had!  Like I was all the way laying down in the back row of seats and they had room to be all around me and hold me down.  I remember crying and cumming and yelling for them to stop.  I’m pretty sure they drove to some back area of the parking lot because I remember the car moving while one of them was fucking me.  And I guess they got me back to my car?  Because I woke up sitting in my car with my dress on but all messed up.  And a very very wet seat. 

I’m honestly trying not to be too grapic and don’t even know if my post is ok here.  I think it was 4am when I woke up in my car.  Like I said I do not remember driving home.  Just waking up in bed with my dress still on and my cat next to me and a total mess between my legs.

 

There’s probably more I can say but I think I got most of it out.  I keep waiting to feel mad at myself but I don’t.  I feel really good!  Like I was able to let go of something.  I know it sounds crazy.  I don’t know if any other girls here will get it. 

I’m going to go cuddle with my husband now.