u/Due-Gap-2536

I (15F) am in 9th grade, so it's important that I participate in school, as it now does make an impact on my future. I've always been academically advanced, and have always craved that academic validation. I grew up constantly getting praise from adults and teachers. When I got to middle school I noticed serious declines in my mental health, and reached a state of burnout by 7th grade. There were points in time in which my parents would literally have to pay me to go to school since they were so desperate. They tried being strict with me, tried punishing me, tried being stern and constantly verbally reminding me what I was doing was wrong and selfish. I can't count the amount of times my dad has screamed to me how selfish I am. I have MDD (clinical depression) (along with many other MH diagnoses (GAD, OCD, ED, ADHD)). And I think MH really comes into play with my situation. Each morning I wake up early to do my makeup and get all ready. If I don't feel perfectly ready, I feel the need to start all over again. Even if nothings actually wrong. Also, the reason why I wake so early is because a.) it takes me forever to do my hair, makeup, outfit, etc. b.) I need time to prepare myself, to feel "ready", c.) I think a slow morning is what makes me feel best. In the mornings I'll get ready to some extent, then look at myself and feel bad either way. If I like how I look I'll feel weird/off/physically tired, and feel the need to self sabotage. I feel lazy. If I don't like how I look I'll take off my makeup. If I find any imperfection in my makeup I'll take it off. Sometimes I try to restart my makeup, if not I'll either feel too tired, or like there's no point in trying again, or think it's too late at that point, or that todays just not the day. I feel like I can't even blame it on mental health at this point, its been years. I have changed in other ways, but this is still a problem. I feel like I'm just lazy. I've tried so many techniques and strategies and heard SO many people give their two cents. Advice of all kinds. I feel like general advice about the overarching lessons of life aren't helpful. After I give up going to school, sleep for like 8 hours, wake up at night and feel as close to normal as I can again, I come to senses and think about things logically. I know that I should care. I know this impacts my future and is important. I know that it's the right thing to do, that I'm extremely privledged to be in this situation. I know I know I know. I've been in so many different types of MH programs trying to work this stuff out. I know but in the mornings I just can't seem to care. I currently have a 3.5 GPA, all of my teachers seem to like me lots. They give me lots of grace. Especially since I just got out of PHP/IOP level MH care a month ago, and got diagnosed with T1D a month ago. They give me grace since they think my absences are due to those two, which makes me feel like like I'm taking advantage of this all because I don't think either of those two have to do with my absences, especially since this has been an ongoing problem for me since before either of those two were factors in my life. I don't do a ton of school work tho. I am constantly tired. I don't understand how people can be constantly busy and constantly doing stuff. I am so jealous of people like that. I can barely fit in the bare minimum. I feel like I need to constantly take breaks. What is wrong with me? I need some external change. Something to fix me. I feel like I need it to be an external change since I've tried sooo many other strategies. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And yes I want to want to change, but no that is not enough for change to happen. I'd rather just sleep all day. It feels like all of me craves that.

I (15F) am in 9th grade, so it's important that I participate in school, as it now does make an impact on my future. I've always been academically advanced, and have always craved that academic validation. I grew up constantly getting praise from adults and teachers. When I got to middle school I noticed serious declines in my mental health, and reached a state of burnout by 7th grade. There were points in time in which my parents would literally have to pay me to go to school since they were so desperate. They tried being strict with me, tried punishing me, tried being stern and constantly verbally reminding me what I was doing was wrong and selfish. I can't count the amount of times my dad has screamed to me how selfish I am. I have MDD (clinical depression) (along with many other MH diagnoses (GAD, OCD, ED, ADHD)). And I think MH really comes into play with my situation. Each morning I wake up early to do my makeup and get all ready. If I don't feel perfectly ready, I feel the need to start all over again. Even if nothings actually wrong. Also, the reason why I wake so early is because a.) it takes me forever to do my hair, makeup, outfit, etc. b.) I need time to prepare myself, to feel "ready", c.) I think a slow morning is what makes me feel best. In the mornings I'll get ready to some extent, then look at myself and feel bad either way. If I like how I look I'll feel weird/off/physically tired, and feel the need to self sabotage. I feel lazy. If I don't like how I look I'll take off my makeup. If I find any imperfection in my makeup I'll take it off. Sometimes I try to restart my makeup, if not I'll either feel too tired, or like there's no point in trying again, or think it's too late at that point, or that todays just not the day. I feel like I can't even blame it on mental health at this point, its been years. I have changed in other ways, but this is still a problem. I feel like I'm just lazy. I've tried so many techniques and strategies and heard SO many people give their two cents. Advice of all kinds. I feel like general advice about the overarching lessons of life aren't helpful. After I give up going to school, sleep for like 8 hours, wake up at night and feel as close to normal as I can again, I come to senses and think about things logically. I know that I should care. I know this impacts my future and is important. I know that it's the right thing to do, that I'm extremely privledged to be in this situation. I know I know I know. I've been in so many different types of MH programs trying to work this stuff out. I know but in the mornings I just can't seem to care. I currently have a 3.5 GPA, all of my teachers seem to like me lots. They give me lots of grace. Especially since I just got out of PHP/IOP level MH care a month ago, and got diagnosed with T1D a month ago. They give me grace since they think my absences are due to those two, which makes me feel like like I'm taking advantage of this all because I don't think either of those two have to do with my absences, especially since this has been an ongoing problem for me since before either of those two were factors in my life. I don't do a ton of school work tho. I am constantly tired. I don't understand how people can be constantly busy and constantly doing stuff. I am so jealous of people like that. I can barely fit in the bare minimum. I feel like I need to constantly take breaks. What is wrong with me? I need some external change. Something to fix me. I feel like I need it to be an external change since I've tried sooo many other strategies. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And yes I want to want to change, but no that is not enough for change to happen.

I (15F) am in 9th grade, so it's important that I participate in school, as it now does make an impact on my future. I've always been academically advanced, and have always craved that academic validation. I grew up constantly getting praise from adults and teachers. When I got to middle school I noticed serious declines in my mental health, and reached a state of burnout by 7th grade. There were points in time in which my parents would literally have to pay me to go to school since they were so desperate. They tried being strict with me, tried punishing me, tried being stern and constantly verbally reminding me what I was doing was wrong and selfish. I can't count the amount of times my dad has screamed to me how selfish I am. I have MDD (clinical depression) (along with many other MH diagnoses (GAD, OCD, ED, ADHD)). And I think MH really comes into play with my situation. Each morning I wake up early to do my makeup and get all ready. If I don't feel perfectly ready, I feel the need to start all over again. Even if nothings actually wrong. Also, the reason why I wake so early is because a.) it takes me forever to do my hair, makeup, outfit, etc. b.) I need time to prepare myself, to feel "ready", c.) I think a slow morning is what makes me feel best. In the mornings I'll get ready to some extent, then look at myself and feel bad either way. If I like how I look I'll feel weird/off/physically tired, and feel the need to self sabotage. I feel lazy. If I don't like how I look I'll take off my makeup. If I find any imperfection in my makeup I'll take it off. Sometimes I try to restart my makeup, if not I'll either feel too tired, or like there's no point in trying again, or think it's too late at that point, or that todays just not the day. I feel like I can't even blame it on mental health at this point, its been years. I have changed in other ways, but this is still a problem. I feel like I'm just lazy. I've tried so many techniques and strategies and heard SO many people give their two cents. Advice of all kinds. I feel like general advice about the overarching lessons of life aren't helpful. After I give up going to school, sleep for like 8 hours, wake up at night and feel as close to normal as I can again, I come to senses and think about things logically. I know that I should care. I know this impacts my future and is important. I know that it's the right thing to do, that I'm extremely privledged to be in this situation. I know I know I know. I've been in so many different types of MH programs trying to work this stuff out. I know but in the mornings I just can't seem to care. I currently have a 3.5 GPA, all of my teachers seem to like me lots. They give me lots of grace. Especially since I just got out of PHP/IOP level MH care a month ago, and got diagnosed with T1D a month ago. They give me grace since they think my absences are due to those two, which makes me feel like like I'm taking advantage of this all because I don't think either of those two have to do with my absences, especially since this has been an ongoing problem for me since before either of those two were factors in my life. I don't do a ton of school work tho. I am constantly tired. I don't understand how people can be constantly busy and constantly doing stuff. I am so jealous of people like that. I can barely fit in the bare minimum. I feel like I need to constantly take breaks. What is wrong with me? I need some external change. Something to fix me. I feel like I need it to be an external change since I've tried sooo many other strategies. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And yes I want to want to change, but no that is not enough for change to happen. Thank you.