u/Drumsticks__18

I’m not sure because I’m not a doctor and I can’t diagnose myself, but at the same time I’ve done research online and have scrolled through this subreddit, and can relate to most of what Ive read.

For some background, I am 21 years old and have never performed penetrative masturbation. So I’ve never inserted a finger in myself. I’ve never had sex, and I’ve never used a tampon. Ever since I was a pre-teen, I’ve always been afraid of the idea of putting anything up there, even if it was my own finger, it just seemed a bit frightening to me. With the research that I’ve done from vaginismus, I learned that some women can have this due to certain upbringings that involve teaching “purity culture” to young women. I was raised in a very religious Christian household, so that may have some association.

As I got older, I would attempt to insert my pinky, but it felt like I was pressing it against a wall. Also, it felt as though my mind was too afraid to just let myself go and let my finger push further.

When I turned 21 and had my routine doctor’s checkup, my doctor told me that I am due for a Pap smear. Of course I’ve heard stories about how uncomfortable it is, and I didn’t like the idea of having to go through one. How could I possibly endure having a speculum inside of me when I couldn’t even push my pinky in? After expressing my resistance to the procedure, my doctor asked me more questions, and that’s when she would find out that I had never experienced any type of penetration before. She suggested that I could do the swab procedure instead. They basically take this q-tip and push it up your cervix to collect whatever they need to test for cervical cancer and whatnot. But even the idea of a q-tip being inserted seems terrifying to me as well.

This whole thing that I have just makes me feel weird and broken. I feel like I’m at an age where I should not be afraid to do these things. Even when I told my friend that I’ve never used my fingers before she was a little surprised. Kinda makes me feel like I’m behind in life or something.

I am someone that is used to doing things by myself all the time. (Eating out, arcades, movies, events, festivals, etc.) But as I’ve started to branch out and try new activities, I feel like I might be a little self-conscious about doing certain things alone, and it makes me feel bad because I don’t have anyone that I can do these things with. Few weeks ago I was contemplating on going to a concert simply because I didn’t have anyone to go with, but I went anyways because I don’t have to miss out on fun things simply because I don’t have anyone to experience them with. So I went to the concert alone and I had a great time. Now there’s another concert that I want to go to in a few months, and Im still getting that feeling of wishing that I knew someone that I could invite to come with me. Obviously Ive learned that I could go alone but it really makes me feel bad because how many times do I have to do these things alone. When will I get a chance to actually have someone that will be willing to have fun and experience these things with me?