u/DrawingWinter4390

I have no right to get jealous over you and yet I do. It's selfish, I know- I want your attention all to myself. I love how you look at me but it breaks my heart to know you look at somebody else like that. I love hearing the sweet sound of your laughter but not when it's sparked because of somebody else. Is that wrong? I love seeing you happy, I love just knowing if you're okay. I think me loving you is causing me to spiral out of control. My restraint is breaking, everyday I want to tell you how I feel but I can't. I see how you're acting with them and it's making me want to cry, is that wrong? You're smiling and laughing with them and its shattering my very existence. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm not special...

I say I love you but I also hate you in a way. Today I looked up the difference between love and infatuation and the thing is I had signs of both for you. But this is different, I've had crushes before where I would dress a little more scandalous that day, I would constantly want to be talking to them but with you I'm okay with just being in your presence. With you I get anxiety and excitement just by being able to watch you do your thing. I love looking at your smile, I love just being in your presence. Do I get jealous when you look at other people the way you look at me, or when you share your laugh with others. Your real laugh not your polite one. Yes, yes I do and I think that's normal because I think this is the first time I've ever really loved someone for who they are. Not just for the way they make me feel. I love you feeling comfortable enough to tell me things you said you weren't going to tell anyone. I love not just seeing you happy, I love seeing you feel comfortable enough to break because in those moments all I want to do is hold you and I've gotten that feeling before. I imagine you cooking in the kitchen in just a T-shirt singing your heart out, I imagine falling asleep next to you on a warm afternoon with the sun peeking through the curtains, I imagine waking up and seeing your messy hair and the way your eyes look when there full of sleep. But i think I realized that I can only settle for what you can give me, because you have your life set-up and I don't. I'll settle for the crumbs of your attention when its just me and you and survive because I don't have the heart to walk away to keep myself from shattering. So I'll love you from a distance but I'll be there for you every step of the way. I love you more then any before and I hope you still choose to stay.

I love you and I shouldn't. I want to tell you but I cant. I fall a little harder for you everyday and I cant stop. I love you so fucking much, I love you more than i love myself at this point. You break my heart with the things you tell me, you started venting to me yesterday and I've never seen you look so helpless before and it broke me to see you look like that. All I wanted to do was hold you, hold you and tell you everything's was gonna be alright that I'm here and I have you. You told me after venting when i asked you why you cared about me, I said you get no benefit from our relationship and she said you literally just let me vent. I started to say something and you cut me off. You said I come in here everyday with a fake smile and pretend everything's okay when I'm dying on the inside. With you I don't have to pretend I can be honest. and oh my god that broke me even more. I wanted to cry in that moment I wanted to do anything but stand there and act like the wasn't the most intimate thing you could ever say to me. I wanted to tell you right then in there how I felt about you. How I would do anything for you, How I want to be the person you wake up too in the morning. I want to fall asleep with the weight of you next to me knowing your still breathing and your okay. I want to see you at your worst and I want to see you at your best. I want to be your everything because your already mine. That boundary were supposed to have, that line that's supposed to separate us has already been blurred and erased. I'm just waiting for that clear sign that says you feel even a fraction of the way I do but I know ill never get that sign its just devasting to be in love with someone who doesnt love you the way you love them.

People always ask, “Would your younger self be proud of you?” How do you tell them you're an even bigger disappointment now than you were then? How do you tell yourself it didn't get better with time- it just got worse? How do you look your younger self in the eye and admit that you've become your own worst enemy. Your mind has become a pillory where, instead of strangers shaming you, its past versions of yourself throwing the stones. They look at you and say the things that hurt the most. Some of them aren't even real memories, just failed dreams that felt so vivid they stuck with you- like that sudden jolt when you're falling in a dream, waking up terrified that you've finally hit the pavement. But the part that hurts most is that the few people who aren't throwing stones and shouting are the ones that can't be heard- and the ones tossing the key can't reach the lock. I look at the people who are in my life now and realize they’re the sanctuary my younger self always wanted. They’re patient no matter how much I push them and they’re the only thing keeping me from being buried by the weight. They hold the keys in their hands but there's a wall between us they can't see. How do I tell them that the lock isn't on the outside of these wooden beams, but in my head? How do I explain to them that no matter how much they try to encourage me, and prove to me I'm worth something, there's always gonna to be a part of me stuck at that pillory- apologizing to ghosts that listen to my pleas but still throw the stones.  I'm sorry that I'm making you stand in the line of fire. I regret that my sanctuary has become a  place for you to just watch me fall, over and over, until you eventually get tired of catching me. I know I'm here, but I'm not here. It breaks me to see the key you're holding, and I want more than anything to believe that it's real but my mind still believes I deserve the punishment for a crime a didnt commit.