u/Downtown-Ant6673

tw for COCSA/ SA involving minors

i was raped twice and sexually assaulted for months/years by some friends i had as a child, and it has been affecting my current sex life

i have been assaulted many times. most of the time i would play along with it out of fear of losing those who were doing it, which were at the time my closest friends. in the beginning of it i would say no and physically back away from them, later on i began just taking it and genuinely participating in it although i did not want to. i learned that going along with people when they acted like this would make everything easier for me, they would like me more and i wouldn’t lose them as a friend. i was also bullied a lot as a child so keeping friends was very important to me. this made me incredibly hypersexual which i’m not proud of, i would sometimes try to initiate the behavior because i eventually started associating sex and sexual acts with love. i got so addicted to chasing the feeling of being loved i would do anything to get it, especially because i was abused at home and didn’t really feel much of it from my parents. but eventually a lot of those thoughts went away. the last time i was ever assaulted i was a older than the other times (i was 8-9 for the other times & 11 for the final) so i was a little smarter. it was horrifying, one of my assaulters who had been already touching me when we were younger did it again after so long of not doing it, it completely broke my trust in her. it was the first time i had genuinely stood my ground against her and told her no multiple times even went as to lengths to push her off me while this still went on for multiple hours. i felt completely helpless, knowing that my begging didn’t stop anything it made me fall right back into a harmful “sex = love” hypersexual mindset after so long and it was even more harmful and never went away. i also want to add i don’t blame nor have hate for either of these girls, they were probably going through something and one of them i know for a fact was being assaulted by her older brother which definitely led her to act like this.

it has been years since then and i am now in my first relationship where i have sex, its taken me admittedly longer than a lot of my friends to have sex and was a virgin (outside of the rape) up until a few months ago. the person i am dating is someone i genuinely trust and have known for years, they are the sweetest and most understanding person. i know she would never do anything to hurt me, she knows about my SA and is very careful with me, always asks for my consent and would never do something i didn’t 100% agree to. but i am still always worried if i don’t do sexual things for them, they will hate me or be disappointed in me. i have brought this up with her and she has reassured me multiple times that that is not the case, and i never have to do anything i don’t want to. but i can’t help but feel like that no matter what she says. i always feel the need to do stuff with my girlfriend even if i don’t want to and if i don’t i will feel useless and hated. but also, if i go too long without sex i feel like my girlfriend doesn’t love me and that i’m not useful to her anymore. so it’s just a lose lose no matter what. i never had these problems before because i hadn’t had sex, but now a wound has reopened and it’s really hard to deal with.

please, if anyone has advice on how to fix my relationship with sex that would be so helpful. i can’t speak to my therapist about this because i am a minor and she would tell my parents, the last thing i need right now is my parents pressing about my trauma and even potentially texting the kid’s parent’s, or even worse, not believing me (my parents are friends with those parents so i wouldn’t be surprised if they sided with them). i feel so alone and like i can’t talk to anyone about how this truly feels because no one would understand. i would love to hear some nice words </3 sorry if this is long i just needed to get it off my chest

tw for overdose, suicide attempt, and hospital mentions. would hate to trigger anyone on here

i have been having a lot of trouble recently, with my trauma anniversary coming up soon and of course me thinking about it a lot more often, but i have been having a kind of unusual trauma response and question?

for context, about 2 years ago i had suicide attempt that had me in the hospital for a couple days and then sent to a mental hospital for over two weeks. it single-handedly ruined my life. i was very high and hallucinating for most of my time in the regular hospital, and in the mental facility i was incredibly disoriented and could hardly recall details on how i got to the facility and what went on in the hospital. overall very confusing and scary stuff to go through all alone in a locked up place with a bunch of strangers. i hallucinated a lot of scary shit, when i was discharged i was insanely afraid that everything i heard or saw was fake and i was hallucinating, or that i was dead. i was also dealing with everything that happened in the mental facility, i wont go into detail but i saw a lot of disturbing stuff. i couldn’t sleep at all and could barely go outside. pretty much my life completely changed and i was diagnosed with PTSD about a month or two after.

in the last few months i more and more have been missing the hospital and almost romanticizing it? which is crazy, considering it ruined my life. but in my mind, the event that gave me the trauma is way better than what i had to deal with after. at first it was an, i would say, healthy amount of missing it. now it’s a constant daydream and wishing i were back in the time before my trauma completely took over, and how much i think about this is honestly concerning. i catch myself a lot of times purposely ignoring the bad parts of the event and fixating on the very few good parts. i know it may have to do with the fact my OD day is coming up and i’m just losing it a little, but i was just wondering if anyone felt the same way or had a similar experience? i don’t know much of my own disorder so i’m not sure if this is normal or not. i try not to look into ptsd that much to avoid triggers so i’m seeking help here . it’s been killing me a little and making me feel invalid or like i don’t have PTSD in the first place. thoughts? if just one person could provide insight that would be great because i don’t have anybody to talk about this with and i just feel very alone.