u/Dodo_the_Phenix

but all i got is these rather shallow and superficial acquaintances or people who i do not really get along with. lonliness is killing me slowly and i wish it would unalive me fast. i do not really know what to do but i know that my insecurity and demographics do not help to solve my problem. basically i am superflous for the rest of the society. i am very thankful though that i have very kind parents. it is the only thing i got and i am trying to get better to honour what they have invested into me and the love they are giving me. but i feel very weak and unable to make it. i constantly fail and make terrible decison. so far i have not relapsed and am still clean but it seems to be only a matter of time when i start shing again. i just wish that i was not alone in this. but noone would want me anyways. i wish that i was egoistic and brave enough to severslide.

I dis not start sh yet but I think i am on the brink of reseting my clean streak of 4+ years lol. Lonliness is driving me crazy and i hate my job and the fact that i do not really have a "home" and my social anxiety and i do not know where to start. unaliving would be so nice but i cannot leave my parents behind. also the world is full of fascista and i cannot just rage quit and let them carry on with their vile deeds.

also i hate that i am such a failure and just keep failing. and also noone cares about me, i mean more in general society. they only care about ppl like me when we have unalived outselves. i hate this world.