u/Divinity510SS

To no one in particular, just words on a screen.

A mental health crisis.
Yet somehow, they cried victim.

A Chanel purse gifted in love living in the trash.
While they cried victim.

Laptops, possessions, even a dog taken.
While they cried victim.

Seen around town with the man who sexually preyed on their spouse.
Still, they cried victim.

They lied to the courts.
And cried victim.

They lied to the police.
And cried victim.

They have a constable harass their spouse
And still cried victim.

A mountain of evidence buried by the actual victim.
Yes, they remain protected by the very person they accused.
While they cry victim.

They were cared for. Provided for. Looked after.
Still, they cried victim.
“Twenty-five to life,” say the courts
to the actual victim.

But what if honesty had existed from the beginning?
What if they had simply said: “I’m leaving.”
Instead of crying victim.

What if they had said: “I cannot handle the mental health struggles of the person I married.”
Instead of crying victim.

What if they had simply said: “Please don’t contact me.”
Instead of crying victim.

What if they had taken themselves off the family plan?
Instead of crying victim.

Even now, the bills are still being paid
By the actual victim.

Girl, if you had done even one thing that resembled accountability. One thing that reflected maturity. You would never have needed to cry victim.

Because there was never a single thing you asked of me that I did not do.Whether I wanted to or not, I put your needs, your wants, your comfort above my own, a truth you cannot deny.

I'd ask you for an example of when I didn't do that.
But I don't have eternity to wait, only 25-life

And this?
This is my forgiveness.
From the actual victim.

Some take accountability. Others weaponize victimhood.

Who are you?

I don’t fully understand what this is, or why I feel the way I do. I know I love you and despite everything that’s happened, despite all the pain and destruction, I would still take you back. I would choose a clean slate. I would leave the past where it belongs.

That doesn’t mean I dismiss the things you’ve done. I know that if we ever rebuilt what we had, there are boundaries that would have to exist. I could never allow you to have influence over what I’m building, because when you feel hurt or wronged, people get destroyed in the fallout. I’ve seen it firsthand. Still, I would be willing to start over with a level of respect and restraint I don’t know if you’re capable of giving.

Maybe that’s what confuses me most. Is it the vows that still tie my heart to you? Why? You removed it from the equation. So, Is that why I feel this pull? If so, then why am I also open to letting someone else into my heart? Maybe the pull is due to a lack of closure? One I've been unable to give myself.

That’s where my mind splits in two. There’s the version of me that would take you back and begin again. The version that changed nearly everything about myself to please you. Somehow though, I don’t feel like I’m the one who failed us. At the same time, I know I’m ready to let another in. I desire to build something real, whether that’s with you or with someone else, under His eyes.

No self-hatred here, nor am I masochist. I never want to go through that kind of pain again, but I understand the poison that shaped so many of your choices. I understand the pain behind them, because I lived in that same darkness for years. I also know that no matter the suffering, those choices were still yours to make.

I’m committed to honoring the promises and the deal that brought me here in the first place. But I worry that it may become a road I walk alone forever.

Not lonely, not really.  Just longing for a familiar scent, for pillow talk, and for the comfort of skin against skin reminding me I was once loved.

To shake hands with God and still feel alone. That's a whole other level of pathetic.

If someone pays your cell phone bill(still) because you are on their family plan. How do you tell authorities you don't know how to get a hold of them? Which is just another piece of evidence I won't use because it would damage your freedom.

I do know without realizing it, I wore the suit we got married in today. Shirt and all. It disgusted me. The day was hard enough as I had to be used for something I did not want to do. Something I was not ready for

Bruh. Just apologize. Thats it. I don't read any posts on this platform. So you have to be an adult. I'll even make it even easier for you bruh. You'll be forgiven as that is what's right within the light.

I took some soup to some people near and dear to me this morning. Ones who are under the weather.

Last I spoke with one of them, it ended not in an argument or conversation, but lack of one where it was needed.

Today, I apologized in a manner of thanking them for their frustration as it stopped me from making a decision that could have went poorly for me.

They responded in kurtness, I walked away, calmly, just didn’t want to do deal with it. There were no negative thoughts towards them. No confusion. Nothing, really.

Then sorrow began.

It hit me. I had no right to walk away. By doing so what I did was force them to continue carrying a frustration, a pain, that they needed aired.

I took that from them. I kept them with the pain. I forced them to continuing carrying an unnecessary weight on their shoulders. Again.

Sometimes, letting go of what's troubling you isn't the right answer. Sometimes, it's not part of the grand design. It is our responsibility to be mindful in the moment. It is our duty to help others heal. Although, I walk away from this moment with a lesson learned. I can't help but wonder, what would have I learned if I did what was right and give them the opportunity to stop carrying it.

The goal is having the discernment to know which choice is best. A choice one has to make in the moment. A choice that is best decided when you just exist. Not as the driver, but as the passenger.

TLDR; difference in flickering lights pertaining to moods and how the person that exepriences it while happy has other abilities

I was running down a rabbit hole recently and kept coming the same nothingness while searching about across flickering lights. Everything pointed to it happening when angry. When upset. When emotions spike, and so on.

But I remembered something that didn’t fit that pattern.

One time, I watched somebody move through a restaurant, going down a row of booths. At each one, he stopped to straighten up the setting with each drop down light directly over the booth  flickering as he stood there. Table after table. Then the drink station. Then the server station, and so on.

He seemed completely content. Singing along to the radio.

Smiling. Just existing happily.

So I asked him about it.

At first, he seemed confused. Then he remembered. He talked about several years before, when he was able to make whole rooms flicker pretty much on command. He mentioned a time he had smoke or steam(he wasn't sure, thinks steam) roll across the ceiling in the kitchen in a way that genuinely freaked people out, so he stopped trying to be connected.

He said it eventually stopped happening. But along with that, he felt like his vibration, his connection to the earth, disappeared too. Or at least what he believes was a connection to the earth.

He found it kind of funny that recently, his vibrations had returned.

That’s where my curiosity comes in. I also experience vibrations that are becoming more constant, more intense. We’re both on a path to deepening our connection within the light. I’ve noticed a flickering light once or twice, but nothing like what I’ve read about. Nothing like what he experienced.

So it leaves me with questions.

Why are most instances seemingly tied to anger or sadness?

Why does mine happen untethered to one specific emotion?

Why does his happen when he’s happy?

How was he able to roll smoke across a ceiling?

When I tried asking him directly, he just laughed. He couldn’t give a real answer. Instead, he shared more experiences.

A time when a piece of plywood became so heavy a strongman couldn’t lift it.

A time when a dozen people were trying to find him while he was standing right in the middle of them.

Another time when he didn’t even realize he was invisible, and suddenly appeared in the middle of a group, scaring everyone half to death.

He talked about harnessing this energy, this ability, to look through things as if they were transparent, but still there.

As someone who feels like they’ve peeked through the veil, I believe that it's all possible, just don't know anything beyond that belief, and neither did he.

He said it wasn’t about thinking it into existence. It was (maybe)about feeling it. Like things would just happen. Like another voice would step into his mind and speak to his body. Sometimes muffled. Sometimes clear.

I don’t know.

I don’t doubt that something is happening.

I’m just looking for insight, because my own journey down that rabbit hole came up short.