Me & my partner have been together 3.5yrs
Our views on platonic relationships differ greatly. He thinks you can't be friends with if you have history. The first issues were people from my past contacting me just catching up (only 3) because I was polite (1 just had a baby) & didn’t immediately say ‘I’ve got a bf now fuck off’/they weren’t already blocked it was an issue. We discussed & set boundaries. I agreed to block anyone with history, these people weren’t part of my everyday so it didn’t seem like a great sacrifice if he felt strongly about it
he knew I had a guy friend since I was a teenager, all my family worked together & were all friends with him & he became family. When I split with my ex this friend asked me on a date, it never happened, wasn’t a big deal & didn’t change anything,we continued as we were. at some point partner found out this (hadn’t had a problem with him prior) & classed it as ’history’, decided he was uncomfortable with him hugging me/touching me in any way. We argued but I agreed to another boundary. this person had been in my life for 10+yrs, my family are the hug/kiss hello/goodbye kind with friends/family. twice I forgot myself & hugged him. it got to the point where partner would be in a mood/have a face on if I even talked to friend so the distance became greater. He still had frequent contact with my family & partner didn’t see issue In him still going drinking with friend
I was running a bar last year (partner helped) 2 acquaintances of dads came in (male). I knew them but wasn’t close, we sat at the bar talking with them. I was sat on the stool next to them, 1 put an arm round me making jokes about how attractive my partner was (he was serving)
He told me he didn’t like them touching me, I tried to keep my distance but they knew me & sometimes still put an arm round me, I tried to move But being polite they know my dad & aren’t being rude. He didn’t say a word to them But blows up at me at home. I tried to explain I grew up in a bar & to my family this is normal. He says I invalidated his feelings trying to justify it, I was just trying to give my perspective. I have honoured this boundary since
last month my guy friend dies. Drank himself to death. I haven’t seen/spoke to him apart from 'hey’ in passing for 2yrs. mum tells me on my way to work. get there im a mess, this is the first person I’ve lost, feeling guilt/all the shitty emotions. One girl checks on me, I calm down & start work. In the afternoon I stupidly open Facebook. I start crying again As my boss comes in. He asks if I wanna go home I said I can’t face the kids yet (he used to help my dad babysit), boss said do I want to go for a walk/drink. I took off my cardigan & don’t have pockets, my phone was on it on silent as always. we had 2 drinks & talked it out.
id texted partner when I found out & it hadn’t delivered, I had called Him & it went to voicemail. When we left I saw he’d called a few times & replied. i called Him & could tell he was mad, i knew me not answering would do that. I just said I’m not okay & haven’t got capacity for what he’s feeling right now, didnt even occur to me he’d have a problem me being with boss until late when he accused me of letting another bloke take me for a drink (today he said the fact I work with him everyday is a piss take?)
I’m not interested & haven’t been in anyone since we met. My boss is happily married/talks about his wife often Not that it matters. I told him this was coercive control & id had enough,he needed go to therapy to work on his insecurities
side note there are other family friends that hug/kiss me hello etc he’s never had a problem with
we're rocky anyway. He has a habit of going for a drink & ignoring me &/or just not returning. Ive frequently set 2 boundaries he’s agreed to & violated constantly; don’t ignore me/always come home. He abandoned me pregnant for 2 weeks up to my 30th. says it’s because I threw something at him. I threw something in his direction, its not okay but he also ignores that I was so emotional because for 2 months he’d been going for drinks after work & not coming back/coming back late/pissed, missing dinners & bedtimes
We worked it out - me doing the heavy lifting emotionally & went away for my 30th. he did the same thing 2 days Later I had to drIve to his friends & give an ultimatum for him to get in the car
its been happening since. Hes had some good months but by autumn ’25 it went from doing it once a week to multiple times - he’d apologise then do it later that day. October I said I can’t do it anymore he said he’d get therapy, I offered couples therapy, he said yes but wanted to start his own first
He has not had therapy.
We weren’t talking when my friend died as he’d ruined another Mother’s Day because of drink. We didn’t speak after either till he spoke with my dad/brother & came home saying he wanted to work it out/was going to sort therapy. I said we needed a wider conversation about working it out. A week passed & we hadnt Had chance to talk because life, he then let me & the kids down & disappeared again. Told him I couldn’t do it anymore
He‘s now doubling down saying I caused this break up because i went for a drink with my boss. Hes not made any effort to fix anything or hear me. he says at least he apologises when he fucks up. i refuse To, Ive said sorry his feelings were hurt but given the circumstances I wouldnt change my actions. I won’t apologise for the sake of it and not for a boundary I didn’t know existed but moving forward it’s one im not opposed to, it wouldn't really impact my life. He says it should’ve been common sense, that I knew it would hurt him. i was only concerned with my grief & told him I was allowed to be selfish in it, all the grace I’ve given him I think i deserve a little for this even if he’s not happy with it.
so AITA?