u/DistantThunder42

I am in a DV situation (I don't need help with that here, I'm working on leaving I promise) with a guy who has strangled me at least 50 times over the last year and a half. Almost every time he does, I feel a lot of pressure building in my head, everything goes quiet, and I'm left with these red dots around my eyes that last for days. One time I fully passed out. I don't know for how long.

He also started hitting me in the head -- he usually targets my left temple and my left temporal bone. He's a doctor, so I don't know if that's why he targets specific areas. I went to the ER about 1.5 months ago and was diagnosed with a concussion after he punched me 10-15 times in those two locations one night. Now it still hurts when I yawn and I occasionally get random, ice pick-like pain in the same spot on my temporal bone.

My question is if I need a neurological or other check up once I leave him? I'm having a lot of trouble with my memory and concentration. I recently took an ADHD assessment and scored in the 1st percentile (aka the bottom percentile) for executive functioning, despite me previously graduating summa cum laude and getting lots of promotions at work. Now, words are constantly escaping me and memories are like a wet bar of soap that I keep trying to grasp on to but they keep squirting out of my hands.

I'm worried about arterial dissection, but a bit more so what's happening to my brain.

Required info: 37F, 5'8, 165lbs, white, USA, no drug use, symptoms going on for at least 2 months.

As the title says, I want to leave but I don't who to be or how to exist without him? Over the past year and a half, he's completely broken down my feelings of self worth and identity. They don't exist anymore, I feel worthless and completely ruined. Like an object. He tells me that every time we have sex, which ends up being sexual assault most of the time. At least 1-3 times a week. He does things -- physically, verbally, and sexually to make me feel worthless too.

I also spend most of my day thinking of and worrying about him -- Is he going to want me to come over today? Is he going to stop when I ask him to? Why hasn't he answered my text, is he mad or having a mental health crisis? I obsess over why I'm so obsessed with his moods and researching all of the other trauma responses I'm having. It's hard to concentrate on anything else, these thoughts are all-consuming.

At the same time, I want to leave because the violence has escalated, my mental health has plummeted, and I don't want to die, but I don't know how to deal with the huge emptiness that's going to remain combined with my completely obliterated sense of self worth. It feels like a dangerous combination. What do I do? How did you do it?