u/DisplayBig1706

I've been redrafting my goodbyes over and over as if I'm writing a book to publish. I fear that the inability to find the right words to sign off with is the only thing keeping me here. But going over them again and again has became an enjoyable past time.

Part of me thinks it's because it's tricking my mind into thinking it's almost over. Because to be real, I've not planned it out and I actually don't want to die. I just believe that the problems that keep stacking up the more I try to be happy are signs that life will never get out of my way. And I don't really want to keep fighting it.

Another part of me thinks it's because deep down, I know that people will have to read my why. They don't want to truly acknowledge the reasons I'm so full of depression, rage and jealousy now, but curiosity and grief will force them to try to understand the reasons those feelings drove me to die.

But the fact I'm enjoying writing it kind of shows there is some joy left for me. Even in the most unimaginable way. I guess I just don't know how to feel or what to do, and it makes me scared for the day I do find the perfect words.

I don’t go outside much anymore so the pressure to take care of myself is so low now. I don’t have a job at the moment and I don’t really have any friends so I only seem to just exist with no will to do anything for me.

Hi, I'm starting to struggle mentally with living with family who are addicted to alcohol amongst other substances. I use the vent sub sometimes but I feel like I need a specific community who can relate to it, it'd be nice to know I'm not alone

Alongside the physical pain, there's always just this huge feeling of guilt behind every thought I have.

I look at my calendar with all the plans I had written, even though they are just "get out of bed by 11am" and "go on a little walk" and "send the letter" which has been overdue for about a week. But I just can't. I wake up around 12pm and finally manage to get out of bed at 1-2pm. After that in my head it feels too late to be productive, and the thought of being caught outside during rush hour gives me anxiety (which in turn makes my pain worse).

I have all kinds of presents that I've started to create half-finished in my home, overdue by months. I can't fathom sitting there for hours working on them anymore because it requires so much thinking and planning. It makes me guilty when people tell me to go at my 'own pace' when I desperately want to be keeping up with everybody I love.

Looking at the people around me makes me feel even worse. It makes me want to isolate myself, to break off my relationship and stay away from family. It gets to a point where I even want to... yeah. Just to get rid of the guilt I feel every day for slowing my loved ones down. No amount of reassurance from them makes me feel okay.

I can no longer afford private therapy, I lost my job due to this horrible horrible illness. And going through my GP for it makes me scared as all my past experiences with it have been dismissal because I'm too self-aware of what makes me feel sad. I know I can't fix it and I know I have to accept myself but I don't want to.

Just needed to get it out to somebody other than the people who know me in real life.

Hello, recently I did a trial shift. I did not know it was a trial shift before I went and had no interview prior to this. I was there for just over 3 hours basically working there, with staff there basically ignoring me so I had no supervision.

Then I left and wasn't contacted after a few days so I dropped them a message asking how it was looking but still.. nothing. I'm not sure if you're even supposed to be paid for trial shifts either. I didn't mention it at first because I'm so desperate to have a job that it slipped my mind until now that this seemed kind of weird.

It's been a bit of a while since we last talked, but I'm not over it and I doubt I ever will be.

You were my person for everything. My family loved you and your family loved me.

We survived all the horrible people in school and college together.

I think about 9 nearly 10 years of daily talking, so many funny memories, all not good enough.

Because once my life got bad, you stopped being there for me and ran to people who disliked me.

When I lost everything, I thought it's okay as long as I have you. I had no money, no family, chronic illness, barely made it into education. Then you went, cherry on top.

And ironically, I don't even drink it. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun and very tasty. I didn't struggle with addiction or anything but I just felt like I was an irritating drunk instead of a fun one. Plus, it's expensive.

My family struggle with it though. I still live at home and for years, alcohol was prioritised over me. Had to pay my way to get to school or walk for hours as I was told they couldn't afford to give me bus money, yet there was always a new crate of beer when I came home later that day. We still can barely afford nice things and they always complain about it. Yet, when I say if they put it off for even just a day or two each week, they'd be able to save and for the first time we could do something as a family. Another reason I quit.

Once I got old enough to legally drink (18 in the UK), it's all my friends wanted to do. I no longer have friends because I didn't go out to the club multiple nights a week. We were friends over 10 years too all throughout school. Even if I did go out with them, if I wasn't visibly drinking and taking whatever they were, they'd give me all kinds of dirty looks and isolate me. I can't even make new friends because all they do is glamorise it. Nobody seems to want a DAY out anymore.

I tried to just force myself to enjoy it. But I can't because deep down, in the back of my mind, there's always the realisation that these people wouldn't want to be near me when I'm sober. These people wouldn't want to get to know me any deeper than the drunken memories they keep about me the next day.

I don't know. It just makes me feel lonely, I guess.

Please somebody help. There’s always minimum 6-8 moths in my bedroom each night. I don’t mind the odd one but there’s so many and they keep landing on me and I’m freaking out I feel like they’re always crawling on me!!

I live with my parents but they’re not helping me with it so I don’t know what to do :(

I used to have really bad anxiety a few years ago. I'd walk everywhere, afraid of public transport. I even got to the point I didn't leave at all. I'd go to my door with the intention of leaving and then I'd freeze, being unable to touch the door handle at all.

It calmed down for a year or two. I could get on public transport, partly because it was a necessity to get to work and calling in sick to work made me even more anxious. But then I began to feel less issue with it completely.

Now I'm out of work. I barely go anywhere because of physical illness. Now I feel a new type of anxiety that I never have before. Genuine fear, like if I go outside then I'm not making it back alive. Even being sat here, I'm so scared and I don't know what to do.

I'm even scared to go to the GP because every time I see a doctor with a new issue, they already blame it on anxiety when I got sick before it flared back up again. Or that I'm a woman. So I know if I get formally diagnosed, doctors will see this diagnosis and generalise it to all my issues when I know deep down it isn't that.

I don't know, I'm just scared and I have to leave the house in a few minutes.

This feels like a bit of a dumb thing to focus on but seeing people dress uniquely makes my brain happy. I used to do the same and could put up with slightly annoying clothing if they had cute colour combinations, silhouettes etc.

But now my mobility is on a downwards spiral and so are my daily energy levels. I throw on what I used to consider my utmost casual clothes for everything now... jeans/sweats and a jumper. I look in the mirror and don't see myself anymore, I not only look drained but I don't see my personality shining through my fashion anymore. I miss my old self.

So I've began to wonder if you guys had any fashion/accessory/hair ideas that have a low energy cost. I know I can't sit there for an hour anymore doing my hair or doing my makeup, but I don't want to lose the way I express myself completely.