I am 41/f.
My mom had me at 19, so my grandma helped raise me. She was the one up with me at night as a baby, and I’ve always felt more attached to her than anyone else. Even after we moved out when I was 7, I spent every weekend with her. Even as a married adult, I still hung out with my grandma all the time lol—that was my girl.
For the past several years, my aunts and I have been taking care of her. She has dementia and has declined more recently. Last week she was hospitalized and we were told hospice is the best option.
She is my favorite person in the world. I don’t want her in pain, and I’m at peace knowing she’ll finally rest and be reunited with her son she lost years ago. That part brings me comfort.
But I’m not okay.
Mentally, I’ve accepted what’s happening. I understand it, I know it’s the right thing, and I know she won’t be in pain anymore. But my body just won’t catch up. I have this constant knot in my stomach, like anxiety just sitting there all day, and I can’t stop crying. It feels wrong imagining a world where she’s not here.
And then there’s the guilt. Every little thing I ever did or said wrong keeps replaying in my head—even during caregiving when I was overwhelmed or not as patient as I wish I had been. It’s like my mind is picking apart every moment.
My family and husband have been amazing at supporting me—I truly have all the love and support I could ask for. I even have a prescription for lorazepam, and it does help take the edge off a bit. But underneath that, the feeling is still there.
I’m 41 and feel like a little kid right now. This is the closest person I’ve ever had, and I don’t know how to make my body accept what my mind already knows.
How am supposed to live without her? It feels impossible. I don’t want to live without my grandmas. I don’t know how.