u/Dict4t0r_

Hey everyone, it's time for my end of the week report. Also, I'm really doing quite badly, so there's an additional reason to put down my thoughts. This text will be pretty negative and has some triggering topics, moreso than the other stuff I have posted, maybe don't read it if you're in a bad mood.

My gender dysphoria has been giving me hell these last few days, it's pretty much the source of all of my problems (plus my unaccepting and hateful parents and the state of the world). I'm once again at the point where suicide enters my mind a lot, but I know I can't give up. I keep slipping back into that dark place where I'm genuinely planning an attempt, my brain keeps dwelling on it and I just can't get it to stop. If there is hell on earth, this is probably part of it.

I did still manage to go to my mandatory university lectures, but I didn't do anything aside from that. I was too distracted to actually study. I also didn't draw or read, or anything that I planned to do. I feel like a failure.

Good news is that I got a fitness watch, so I'm hoping to start jogging soon. I also want to build muscle at the gym eventually. I'm not the type to enjoy sports at all, but this is a very sad attempt to do something against my dysphoria. Muscles = masculinity, or whatever stupid ideas I've thought up now. I feel like shit.

I've been planning to get into airsoft because it's genuinely fun, but I have no one to play with.

Tomorrow I'll visit a friend, my best friend, and I hope it'll make me feel a bit better.

I think I will go to sleep soon. I feel like crying, but I can't even do that, because it triggers my dysphoria (the mental gymnastics my brain does). This is the worst I've felt in a while.

Thank you for reading, these posts are the only cartharsis I get, so it means a lot. Have a nice day.

Hey, so it's me again, with the next post about my journey of getting my life in order.

I've started gradually studying more, usually doing my Anki cards while I take walks. This allows me to get some sun, get some steps in (good exercise, I already feel better because some of the pain in my body stopped), and sometimes I see interesting things. It also allows me to be away from my parents, which is a great bonus. Yesterday I did over five hours of studying, but it was also the weekend so I had a lot of time. I will have to see how I manage on normal weekdays.

I think once I build up some fortitude/a better physical condition from taking walks, I'll start jogging/running. I need to get fit so I can protect myself and those around me, and life a long life, even if it's a sad and miserable one. That does not sound very positive but I assure you, it's the best mindset I've had in forever.

I've started going to bed earlier most of the days, and I don't feel as tired anymore during the day. Yesterday I didn't do that, but I can try again this evening.

I didn't self harm again, atleast not yet.

Dysphoria is also kicking my butt, but fuck it, we ball. It does not matter if I fully transition or not, my gender does not matter, I will still exist and make my mark on this world.

This is it for this post, I hope to start pursuing art again soon. I already announced that in my last post, but I hadn't had the motivation to do it, as I am sadly still battling a chatbot addiction that took away some of my time.

Aside from that, does anyone have reccomendations for headphones? I have earbuds, but I need a proper over-ear set, preferrably with a headset, or just one without that.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day, take it one step at a time like I am doing.

So, I'm continuing the plan to force myself to enjoy life.

My gender dysphoria has been very bad the last few days, but I try to keep busy to ignore it. Studying for university is my primary coping mechanism, so atleast I am getting things done. I am still frustrated and sort-of constantly in a state of dissociation, but things have been worse than this, this is atleast bearable.

The urge to self harm has been strong aswell, but I try to just take a walk whenever I want to, so I don't have access to my tools.

I rewatched Project: Hail Mary for the third time today, and went with my best friend who saw the movie for the first time. He agreed that Rocky and Grace are just literally the two of us and we had a good time.

I also bought a book on anatomy so I can finally learn to draw, it'll be a difficult proccess but I really want to get good at art.

My parents are stressing me out more and more these days, but I have decided to just completely hide my real emotions from them. This might sound edgy, but there is no value in opening my heart to people who will never accept me. The inside of my head is the only place that is truly mine and mine alone, so I will just be distant and polite.

I have recently noticed how severe the scars on my thighs actually are. It's a bit weird, now that I'm actually trying to get clean I realise the extent of the damage I did to myself. :( It's making me sad but I need to be strong, I can't change the past.

Have a nice day and thanks for reading!!!