u/Dependent_Device6236

So I've been looking a lot into coercion and the difference between that and consent. There have been times when I was impatient or pushy when it comes to sexual interactions with my partner, but I've been looking more into it and how to develop healthy sexual conversations. For further context, I'm 19, my partner is 18 and nonbinary, and we've been together for over a year. We have safe words, etc, and our sex life is pretty great. I'll title them "S" in my post.

This situation happened before we lost our virginity; it happening when S was first starting college. We said at the beginning of our relationship that we wanted to wait a year to have sex, so we stuck to fingering and hand stuff only. We said no oral or other stuff until we got STD/STI tested. Anyway, S was required to take care of the community-dorm tortoise for community service hours, which are required to stay in their first year honors dorms. S texted me that the tortoise was covered in salmonella, but that it should be fine so long as they wash their hands and kept clean. However, I started getting anxious. I wasn't sure how Salmonella worked, but if they were going to be handling a tortoise, then I didn't want S's fingers transferring Salmonella to my private part.

I told them to see about asking for gloves, and S said they would, but that the caretaker of the tortoise said it was fine to handle him raw. I said that I might not want to get fingered anymore, that I was paranoid. S reassured me that the tortoise wasn't super contagious and they would hand sanitize and wash up afterwards, that we had a buffer between days, and they would only be taking care of the tortoise for an hour. S said I was more likely to get salmonella from food poisoning than get it from them, but I said I needed guarantees, and it was better safe than sorry.

S just said, "Alright, ig. No more fingering then." S said they would feel awkward that only I would be pleasuring them and that I wouldn't be getting anything in return. They then said they would be required to wear gloves if the risk was really high, but I just told them to ask. They said they would, and I said firmly that I didn't want salmonella. S said that two days of showering and handwashing would be more than enough, but I simply frowned. They said it was my decision, but unless they licked their fingers during or after tortoise care, we should be fine. I said I wasn't sure, and they said they would ask the expert.

They dropped it and shifted gears, teasing me about being meek and paranoid in about something unrelated, which, considering I'm on medication for my anxiety, is true. We both have anxiety, so we tease each other about being paranoid fairly often. But it felt like they were being very dismissive of my anxiety, especially when the teasing and the "alright, ig." They have autism, so it could've been me misreading it, but it felt like they simply thought I was being illogical when I was trying to set a boundary, I suppose. It felt kind of insulting.

My mom is going away for a business trip for almost a week and is leaving me in charge of my three younger siblings, ages 8 to 13. I'm 19 and my partner is 18, and I asked for their help, to which they agreed, but said that they wouldn't be able to for chunk of Saturday because they had a party to go to for a bit with their mom for mother's day. They only see the mom once a month due to their relationship not being the closest, but they still love their mom. They promised that they would be there for the rest of the day, however.

For further context, my little brother, who is 11, is pretty not great with hygiene, to the point where everyone jokes about it constantly, including him. It comes with the territory of being 11, and everyone, including my partner, needs to tell him to freshen up because the smell gets to be a bit much. He is also a serial toliet clogger, literally knocking out our toliets for days on end despite us trying to clean the drains. My partner stays at home with me a lot, so they're VERY familiar with my brother's hygiene and clogging the toliet, often trying to tell him about it or give him advice. Sometimes, my brother will straight up get angry or annoyed if asked to take a bath. But it's mostly jokes.

In some other context, my 13 year old sister and my partner gave a fake beef thing. She often makes fun of my partner, calling them names, but she's autistic and it's how she shows her affection. My partner tries to be the bigger person, often ignoring her jokes, but they do roast her back. However, my sister does overdo it a lot, following them around the house and being obnoxious or pretending to punch them or tease them even once the joke runs out.

I said I would appreciate some help and ask if they could maybe see about rescheduling their Mother's Day party or leaving a little quicker, but said it was fine if they couldn't. They made a joke saying that they didn't want to miss out on Mother's day with their mom to, "Remind (insert my brother's name here) to wash his butt, or clean up your youngest sister's glitter slime bombs, or remind your 13 year old sister to blink." (They're making fun of my 13 year old sister because she often calls them slow or dumb, so they reverse the energy right back.)

I still kind of felt uncomfortable at this, particularly at the hygiene thing. They love my siblings, they've known them since they were 16, and my siblings see them as an older sibling as well. However, my siblings do get particularly annoying a lot, my brother needing to be told multiple times to get clean, or my 13 year old sister being rude/bossy, or all of them going too far when it comes to respecting my partner's things. My partner let the kids use their Nintendo Switch 2, and the kids proceeded to lose the pieces and leave it on the couch where it almost got sat on multiple times.

But still, it felt kind of inappropriate to reduce them to that, even bringing up my brother's bottom/hygiene. I asked them not to joke like that, and they apologized to me, saying they didn't mean to be rude but that my siblings tend to get overstimulating when we babysit them alone. They said they'll help every other day and for the rest of the day of the party, but didn't want to miss out on a party just for that. AIO?