I feel done but maybe im just going throught another hard patch and desire for a breaking point, a bottom. When will it all end, i want it to stop yet i hope to feel a deep emotional pain that shakes me to the core. I havent felt that since august 2025. I dont want to do this anymore. I fear that in reality its not that bad and its actually very possible and not that hard i mean i have the capacity and tools to get better but i choose not to, i want to wallow in my mystery, i want to explode and feel it and let it all out before that happens and i wait and wait yet i just feel more pathetic and cynical. A rational person would cherish that its not that bad but i feel more discouraged by that. I know this is selfish but i dont care, im not afraid being behind the screen.
I want to feel it without another perspective, out of daydreaming. Without a vessel or medium, i want to cry because of me and my states and feelings and to be witnessed doing it. Wanna hear you are so broken i can see that you feel so alone and you have been hurt, its not your fault.
I am probably seeking some sort of attention, validation, words of encouragement, other people experiences. I want to matter so bad i want someone to see my real self and real pain. I want to feel the sympathy, compassion or empathy even tho myself am lacking in that regard.