I don't feel like myself anymore.
I used to be really happy. But I got bullied for being fat a lot, and so I ended up not eating and losing a bunch of weight, and I still feel insecure. I built a complex, and I still get bullied. I still feel ugly. I still feel fat. I still feel unloved. I've been threatened to be a victim of kidnapping by a family member before, and my mom is trying to get me to see the member of my family that was going to. It's not that I hate myself, it's that I'm trying to better myself. But I keep fucking up. I've self harmed before, and I'm scared to do it again. I've attempted, and i want to, but I'm scared about my parents. My dad is suicidal, and I'm scared me killing myself will push him over the edge. And I'm trying to better myself for him and me. But I feel like my step mom hates me. I always get blamed for everything. I never yelled at my little step sister, and I had to watch her, and Everytime I do, she never listens, and screams at me. But then the one time she pushes me over the edge, and I scream at her, I'm the problem. I just feel unloved and hated. And I really like this girl, and she really likes me too, but one of her friends absolutely fucking despises me. I did nothing and her friend just hates me and keeps trying to ruin it. I just can't do this shit. I was nearly homeless, and now I'm living in a trailer. And it doesn't feel like home. Nowhere feels like home. I don't look forward to going home from school. I've also had cps on my family, and so I've had major restrictions on things like knives. I used to have tons. But there's so many things that are scaring me from SH or suicide. I don't want my dad to kill himself, and I don't want cps to take away my little stepsister from my family. I just need ways to better myself. I'm trying, but it's hard. It's hard and I just want to give up. I don't know what to do.