My wife (32F) deleted Instagram chats with a man (40sM), and I (30M) need help discussing trust without making unsupported accusations
My wife (32F) and I (30M) have been together for 9 years and married for 6 years. We have no kids.
About two years ago, my wife met a man (40sM) once during a night out. From what I understand, the place was more like a bar/restaurant earlier in the evening, and after around 11 PM it turned into more of a club atmosphere.
There was some possible business-related context for them to stay connected afterward. My wife’s female relative/cousin knew him and told my wife that he was a photographer. My wife is a private teacher and does sometimes need photographers for projects/classes, so that part is not completely random.
There were at least two possible work-related reasons for contact. One time, she was supposed to be involved in a project, but it didn’t happen. Another time, he was supposed to photograph her classes, but that also never happened. So there was some potential business context, but nothing actually came out of it.
They stayed connected on Instagram.
I have now seen a video of the chat that he sent me. For most of the last two years, the communication does look superficial: story reactions, occasional reels, nothing deep. From what I saw, he often ignored her reactions. My wife also communicates like that with many people, including female friends, so the story reactions alone might not mean much.
There was also a moment where she asked him something like whether she should go to an event/club where a Russian singer was performing, and he replied that she could come and that he would be taking pictures there. She ended up not going, but it shows that he was also somewhat of an event/photography contact, not only a school/classes contact.
The issue is that in the last six months, the tone changed.
She posted a nice picture of herself and he reacted with “Ooof 🔥”. She replied with “😏😏”.
A few months later, he sent her a video with a sexual/double-meaning joke involving her name. In the video, a guy has a mask on his face with my wife’s name on it, and he says it is hard to breathe because "my wife’s name" is on his face. She replied “HAHAHAHA.”
After that, she sent him a reel related to his zodiac sign. She says she only knew his zodiac sign because she saw his birthday on his story.
She says that, to her, this was joking/teasing and not flirting. She says he is unattractive, cringe, and that she never thought of him romantically or sexually.
When I contacted him and asked about the chat, he said it was possible there had been “a little flirting.” He also wrote to her something similar, basically that maybe there was a little flirting but nothing more. She still says that from her side it was joking/teasing, not flirting.
The part I am struggling with most is that she deleted the chat with him at least twice. One time was about two years ago, apparently after I asked her who he was, although I honestly do not remember that clearly. Another time seems to have been around October, because in her chat nothing existed before the last six months. Since he sent me a video of the chat and it looked mostly superficial, I am not saying the deleted part proves something serious. But it still bothers me because if I had already asked about him before, I do not understand why the contact continued and why it later became suggestive.
When I confronted her, she blocked him. Later, after she found out that I had contacted him, she unblocked him to message him. From what I understand, her message was basically something like, “my husband thinks this was something,” to explain/apologize for the situation. She says she only did that because she genuinely did not see it as serious.
Another part that bothers me is the night she met him. She came home around 1 AM, and I had called her several times but she did not answer. She says nothing happened that night.
She also said at one point that she thought he and his friends might pay for something, but later clarified that they had just come around briefly and that sometimes men in clubs do that. I am confused because to me that sounds like there must have been at least some interaction or vibe for her to assume that.
I am not saying she physically cheated. I have no proof of that. After seeing the chat video, I also understand that most of the communication over two years looks surface-level and not like some deep emotional affair. I also understand there was some possible business/event/photography context.
At the same time, the deleted chats, the suggestive messages in the last six months, her minimizing it as joking, him saying there may have been some flirting, and the unclear story about the night they met have seriously damaged my trust.
My specific question is:
How can I talk to my wife about rebuilding trust after deleted messages and suggestive Instagram communication, while staying focused on communication and future agreements instead of turning the conversation into an accusation about something I cannot prove?
I am not looking for automatic “divorce her” comments. I am trying to figure out how to have a productive conversation, what kind of transparency would help rebuild trust, and how couples usually handle social media communication that one partner sees as joking while the other experiences it as flirtatious.
TL;DR: My wife stayed in superficial Instagram contact for two years with a photographer she met once during a night out. There was some possible business/event context, but nothing came of it. In the last six months, the messages became suggestive, she deleted the chat at least twice, and the man himself said there may have been “a little flirting.” She says it was only joking and that she had no attraction or intention. I have no proof of physical cheating, but my trust is damaged and I need advice on how to discuss rebuilding trust and social media boundaries without turning it into an accusation I cannot prove.