u/Delt4_K — reddlx

I know I'm not completely stupid, this feeling is partly the result of undiagnosed autism (was never assessed despite obvious signs because parents thought I was "too smart") depression, amnesia, OCD, and likely brain damage from anorexia & hitting my head so much. I went on disability 12(?) years ago when working became impossible, but I didn't have much to do with the process because I was a mess and I don't understand paperwork. Since then I've just been existing basically, also living in mortal fear that I've fucked something up/missed something important and am going to get in a lot of trouble.

My parents gave me a place to live on my own 6 years ago and things got a lot worse because I don't know how to do anything. Nothing in life comes naturally to me, and unless I'm given explicit instructions & guidance, I just don't do anything. Even WITH instructions I still struggle. All this anxiety has become unbearable. I can't keep living with this overwhelming dread that I'm fucking up without even knowing it. The dread isn't just emotional, it physically feels like I'm covered in acid and being crushed by rocks all day. One psychiatrist suggested the pain might be a separate disease but idk.

I have no one to talk to about this apart from my parents (who think I'm the smartest most capable person on earth for some reason) and the crisis line people, who are kind but have no answers. It's hard to impress upon people how useless I am when I speak well, and seem to be good at some things. I'm 39 tomorrow and I feel like a dumb kid. All I want is to get some kind of disease and die soon (ik that sounds bad) I feel like I was never supposed to be here.