Laying In bed motionless with no energy. Took my meds an hour and a half ago and can’t even tell. That’s how you know that estrogen is low baby 😂 I want to enjoy the beautiful day outside but moving my body feels like I’m slinging around a sack of heavy potatoes. Laugh now cry later 💔
I wanted nothing more than an American Girl doll when I was 11, but I never got one. I used to watch YouTube videos of girls visiting the American Girl doll store and picking out their dolls. Eventually, I stumbled across a channel called Basilmentos, which created stop-motion videos with different storylines.
Welcome to my brain, may I show you around?
Wake up.
Thank God I woke up.
Immediately think about my family and how terrified I am of losing them.
Hop in the shower.
The floor could literally collapse beneath me right now… and I would be discovered naked.
Pick out clothes.
This could be the last outfit I ever wear.
Tidy my room before leaving, just in case (God forbid) I do not make it back home and my family has to go through my things. I would want them to see I’m not a complete slob.
my gadgets 👀 are always hidden because I would be so embarrassed if they found them after I am gone. I know it is dumb.
Going #2
Let me check to make sure there are no abnormal colorations or shapes.
Driving.
Every possible catastrophic thought surrounding driving.
Walk into a grocery store, subtly zigzagging in case there is a mass 🔫.
Why zigzag? No idea. OCD is not rational. I guess I just do not want to be an easy target.
Cut through aisles to avoid open spaces.
Parking lot
Eyes darting everywhere.
Making sure no one is lurking around the corner or watching me.
Back home.
My heart could stop at any second. Searches Google “Do heart attacks hurt?”
Eating dinner.
Be careful, you could choke and 💀 and no one would be able to help.
Quickly imagining how I would perform the Heimlich maneuver on myself using a chair.
A family member texts me.
I need to answer. What if that is the last time I ever get to talk to them?
I feel overwhelmed by life?
Well, at least it is not forever.
Then,
I’m so happy everyone made it through the day. What a blessing!
Nighty night.
Fall asleep,
Dreams about accidents, mass 🔫, or my teeth crumbling out of my mouth.
If you found humor in this, good. This ain’t for the weak 😂 I do want to note that although this post makes me look like a wimp scared of my own shadow, nobody knows that these are thoughts that cross my mind. They are no different than any other thoughts that people may think, they pop in and out unless I start ruminating on one too long.
I hate asking questions on Reddit because you’ll always be the idiot to someone who has the answer, but I’m curious and wanna see some answers, or even interesting hypothetical scenarios that could play out. Thanks!
Last month I had little to no pmdd symptoms and my mood and mental health was quite stable. This month (Wednesday afternoon) I literally remember the exact moment that depression switched on. I’m not even kidding. It was equivalent to a switch turning off. It wasn’t gradual. Now here we are, waking up in the afternoon to put off the day as long as possible. Writing depressing poems. Bed rotting. Zero energy. Wasting the days.
Here are mine:
Sightseeing, nature, paleontology, Ice Age animals, dinosaurs, whales, natural history museums, historical artifacts and locations, cosmology, philosophy, psychology, stoicism, astrophysics, trivia,documentaries, reality shows, YouTube vlogs and podcasts. Walking in nature. Walking in nice neighborhoods to look at cool houses. I deeply enjoy fossil hunting, and occasionally painting and assembling miniature sets.
Comment your interests! And if you share any of the same interests as me, please bold them so I can see :) Thanks 😊
Try to make friends in the comments!
I could walk down the street and meet ten people who are into Pilates, the gym, coffee, running, or video games. But it’s rare that I come across people deeply interested in paleontology, fossil hunting, philosophy, nonfiction, natural history museums, astrophysics, whales, or painting miniature dollhouses. Do those people exist? Of course. I just have to be more intentional about finding them by going to the places where those interests actually exist. That’s naturally a bit harder than connecting over more common hobbies, where you can meet someone almost anywhere.
To be clear, I can connect with just about anyone. But it feels unfulfilling when I don’t get the chance to really “nerd out” with someone who shares my curiosity. I would rather be myself than spend hours talking about things I don’t genuinely care about. Sometimes I meet new people and realize I’m not even looking forward to seeing them again because I know I will end up performing. I ask questions, carry the conversation, and play the role of the engaged listener just to keep things flowing. It’s not their fault. I am just understimulated by the kinds of conversations I tend to find myself in. I know it’s not entirely accurate to say most people are this way. This is just my emotional brain speaking. Confirmation bias.