My father was a workaholic all my life. I was born in a very populated and competitive country where in order to have a decent life, you need to work 12 hours a day or more, and that is being normalized because people realize that theyre replaceable by the system (aka if you dont do it someone else would). There is literally an office building opposite my familys house and its light doesnt go off until maybe 10pm at night.
Throughout my adolescence I was jealous of the other countries that had better wlb and a welfare system. Whenever I express such dissent, my parents would call me ungrateful or lazy, my father would even call me a leech on the society who “only want things and never contribute”.
During my secondary school years my school was far from home so I had to get up at six everyday to goto school and during the weekends I would sleep until 11 or 12. Then my parents would call me lazy and compare me to my sibling who attends the same school but could get out of bed early everyday.
When I got to college there was no one to watch me anymore so I overcompensated by putting my classes in the afternoon and sleep in the day, but I still often study late into the night. Even then my father would still compare me to the students who had to work part time and criticize me for “using their money”.
Eventually due to the marginalization I experienced at college as a POC student and the lack of emotional support from home, I was diagnosed with severe depression, CPTSD, and CFS from my school’s clinic.
Now Ive graduated and I am working a part time internship thats related to my major. I often feel a sense of guilt whenever I see them working late into the nights and I couldnt do the same thing. I also felt no interest in my job at all and only go there because my parents hated seeing me idle in their house.
My father kept putting the pressure on me to get a full time job despite my family had more than enough money so they definitely dont need me to contribute. Then my father would constantly call me lazy, trying to be a slacker and kept calling me a “waste of his money” despite him being the one who decided to force me into an expensive private college in the first place.
I felt severe emotional distress even during the few days I stay in office, as the atmosphere is very competitve and cut throat. The few days off I felt like I am just recovering from the chaos at home/work and even then always felt like I should be working not resting.
I knew I couldnt work a full time job as it would destroy my mental health and possibly physical health eventually. I need to sleep for 12-14 hours after each working day. But I couldnt bear the shaming from my family and the society anymore. I felt like a loser for needing so much rest everyday. Everyone else is working or studying but I felt like I am never doing enough.