u/DeepNecessary6957

I'm currently 16f, and honestly I don't know why I feel like posting to Redit of all places—I was looking up the force it would take to cut into a critical vein. But then I stumbled onto this form while looking.

It made me rethink a couple things: Mainly a different way to commit but also if posting would at all make me feel better.

Listen, people always tell you empty promises and fluffy lies when you open up to them about killing yourself. Like that it's going to get better or that I don't know what the future holds because I'm just a teen. I don't really need anything like that.

Its been incredibly difficult for me recently (not that I haven't gotten into this frame of mind before) these past few weeks. Some backstory is that for most of my life my parents have been nothing more to me than abusive alcoholics, they've made my life a living hell (which is the main reason I've been told things will improve with age). If I had to list the sheer amount of things they have done to both me and my brother this post would be far to long. Growing up I have faced so many challenges that they where absent in: My life all through my childhood was practically getting assulted and groomed, getting relentlessly bullied and excluded, various versions of Binge-eating and Anorexia, getting beaten and verbally abused nearly every day of my life, and to this day I still don't have a single friend.

My life is nothing but stress, anxiety, panick attacks and constantly feeling like shit about myself and my appearance.

But recently my Grade 11 year has gotten far worse. I have never felt so incredibly alone.... My home life has taken a massive toll on my mental health especially. Recently I got into a verbal argument with my mother about my pants being wrinkled, when I told her that I didn't have a different pair she started screaming her head off about me being disrespectful and not taking enough care of my things. It had escalated rather quickly as she started screaming at the top of her lungs and slamming my mug in the sink repeatedly to the point it shattered. I gently responded that I needed to leave when my dad stormed out of his room screaming that I don't talk to my mother like that and then proceeded to wrap his hands around my neck and pushed me up against our washing machine. Fortunately he let me go and I ran to school crying. This experience has left me with terrible dreams. But I recently suffered from sleep paralysis, a figure was on top of me with its hands wrapped around the base of my neck— I couldn't help but cry. I snapped back desperately gasping for air that morning. My teeth clenching had gotten so bad that a big part of one of my molers chipped off.

I just can't take it anymore. Nothing feels worth it. Every year it gets worse and worse. That wasn't even the half of it—fuck its the smallest goddam part of my horrendously shitty life.

I'm sitting in my bed contemplating if I just end it now, because I just can't bare to tell myself that next year is going to be better. I just can't.