I am F, 31, and adopted from China at 5 months old by white people. A year and a half later my sibling was born.
I come from a family that uses silence and ostrasizing as a weapon and has been an evil root of generational trauma for a long time. Whenever my father was confrontational he overcompensated and was down right mean, in your face with big eyes, using his 6ft build to push you around physically. The idea of a grown ass man having beef with a 6 year old is wild to me. All of them are avoidants to confrontation. Im not shy to it, i prefer transparency, but they dont seem like they appreciate that quality.
Ive been the scapegoat, trouble maker, and black sheep all of my life when living with them. I was ridiculed, screamed at for minor things, and was put on display in front of people to humiliate multiple times. It didnt help that I found an identity with the goth/punk crowd and my parents are very image focused. They wished they were upper class and care about being percieved as good, yet, it felt like they hated me because i was a reflection of their failure to be good people and parents. They took their anger out on me, shamed me over what I wore, and said I was a nightmare when I was a teen. My mom even implied I dressed like a slut.
When I was very young I bullied my sister, pretty sure I learned it from my dad, and in our teens years she bullied me. Into our late 20s Ive tried making it up to her many times. Ive apologized, tried talking to her asking what can I do to make it up? We used to be best friends as kids. I told her im sorry, but to be honest looking back at her behavior, she clearly loved mom and dads validation of her. I was told "Shes smarter than us," by my parents, who place superficial value on people who fall in line with them, have status, are strong independent women, and overall perform well. I only seemed to get validation or admiration from doing art. My sister felt like she could never do it because she couldnt compete, I was put into the pretty/talented box and she was put into the smart box. It was detrimental to our growth. Over time i had to tell her to stop competing with me, to find passions in art and to do it anyway.
Ive visited her when she was in other cities, other states, and she hasn't visited me once. The biasism my parents have for her is noticeable, but they deny it when I bring it up. Im not jealous or envious because shes asexual and struggles making friends. I have my loving fiancé, whom they dislike, and have a future with a loving family. Ive been fighting any desire for validation from my family, even quitting art gifts, and have told my sister they hate disagreements. They love echo chambers and over time she said she agreed there was dysfunction. She has a stronger relationship with them and they give words of affirmation way more often. They visited her way more when being in college. They visited me once, when I was leaving, and it was a short lunch together. I once told her I wished we were closer and she agreed. She dosent call or initiate. She dosent open up about her feelings and ive tried by opening up first, to her, many times. I worry about when they die, who will she go to for validation because she has no one else? Its not fair to me for her to come after they kick the bucket, like a backup plan?
Im in the process of estrangement. I need distance from being in their toxic hierarchy with double standards. God forbid I have any confidence and theyve failed to beat it out of me at a young age to talk back, to be opinionated. My mom pressured me and my sister to be "strong independent women," but always takes a moral high ground to feel superior when youre not being "kind," or doing things correctly. Yet she thrives off drama, gossiping, and enables my father to be a manchild. The contradiction is crazy.
My father will no doubt blame me for the estrangement. "Oh she just wants attention, shes causing drama again, thank God who needs her." We dont talk - ever. He twists stories and narratives and the worst thing about them being gossipers is you cant prove it, you just look like youre a troublemaker for bringing it up. My dad is incredibly petty, too. He has no accountability whatsoever and it sickens me that I was forced to go into therapy, at 6 years old, with him to figure our problems out. He is a grown ass man, brain fully developed, and a 6 year old gets blamed. If you dont fit in his narrative, he will start gossiping about you to family and now my cousin shuns me at gatherings. Right before I was proposed to i told them not to gossip about me. They took that to an extreme and told noone I got proposed to. Now if feels like theyre pushing me out and im ready to move on.
Im so glad I found my fiance. He is very loving and provides the love I so very much wanted as a child. He was the first one, that i can remember, that called me smart and any time some one tells me it, I glow. He taught me how to say No, how to see the power dynamics, and they hate him for it. He hates my family and how theyve treated me. Im confident enough to know now Ill be okay.