i'm not sure what to do or how to feel anymore
i've been a very lonely person since middle school, i've had friends here and there but they never really thought of me as a friend and they never cared about me the way i cared about them. I spent so much time putting so much effort and thought into my past friendships and they all ended up hating me. I wasted so much time. I used to be so kind, I used to care, I used to be social. I'm none of that now. I have so much hatred within me, everything is so unfair. I hate seeing people being happier than me, I hate seeing couples, I hate seeing the people who hurt me live better lives. I'm absolutely miserable, I spent my entire high school experience struggling with my mental health, I had looked forward to graduation but when I actually graduated I felt so bad, I had wasted so much time. My life was ruined, I watched everyone go to their friends, people they trusted and loved. and i stood there, alone. I was so angry at the world, it seemed like everyone around me believed in god, but i despised him for giving me such a pathetic life. I blamed everyone including myself for the way I turned out. Even now, in college, I still struggle with these things. I'm taking medication now, it's gotten a bit better but I still get depressive episodes that come more severe than before. I've tried to make friends but they all seem to forget me, and they lose interest. I don't know what im doing wrong. I envy people who are able to make friends easily. I joined four different dating apps, put up pictures of myself even though I looked ugly in them, I was on there for months, and not once did I match with anyone. it's so depressing. I don't see what the point in living is if i can't even find my person. i thought maybe i could just rely on my siblings for the rest of my life, but it recently hit me that my siblings also have their own lives. We're getting older, they're meeting new people, making new friends and falling in love, and soon they'll turn all their attention to their partners and i'll end up alone again. This is currently happening, and although i'm happy for them, it hurts. because i won't have anyone to turn to anymore.
i don't even know if any of this made sense, i don't think anyone's going to read all of this. I don't care if anyone actually sees this, i just wanted to put this somewhere.