u/DaBurnerlmao

I'm 24. Recently, I tried to leave home on short notice. My parents do NOT have guardianship or conservatorship over me. Please forgive me if I seem a certain way. I'm currently trying to process, I'm currently pretty isolated, and I feel like a little kid with no control over my situation despite supposedly being an adult who can do whatever I want. I'm an only child as a well.

I was meaning to move in with my partner in another state. I had a job actually lined up. I had money saved up. It was planned for at least 3 months, but I didn't tell my parents until 2 days before I was going to leave. This was actually suggested by my partner. They spent the longest time trying to convince me to say anything at all.

My partner and my parents never met. My partner is trans. My parents are highly transphobic, and I believe I may be trans as well. This is a belief I had well before my partner, not caused by my partner. Once my parents found this out, my mom started screaming about how my cousin was beat by her trans boyfriend and she tried to kill herself multiple times. Great. My parents were calling my partner untrustworthy because of their hormones, saying it was more likely for me to be abused, harping on their government name not being legally changed yet. A lot of things. They used everything to build my partner up into being a predator.

I have a hard time believing my parents are malicious. I don't think they don't care about me. I think they care deeply. But what happened has me scared and confused.

They spent the entire night trying to convince me to not go. Telling me how I'm breaking my mother's heart, telling me that my relationship with them will be ruined permanently. That they'll cut me off. I explained the entire plan to them, how I got a job, how I was going to pay for everything, how I was going to do x y and z thing. Me and my partner have known each other for almost a year now. I fell asleep for a few hours, and my room was barged into and I was brought into my parents room. I was not allowed to leave this room whatsoever. They weren't going to let me out of sight until I said I wasn't going. If I tried to leave I was physically put back into the room. My parents are both very tall and overpower me incredibly easily.

They took my phone, threatened to break it and my computer. Told me I wasn't getting it back. One parent was guarding the door and the other was yelling at me in the room about how stupid I am. How they don't accept it, how it would be so much more accepting if I did it differently. They were willing to "work" with me on it until they found out my partner is trans. Then they switched completely to my partner being a predator from the internet.

My partner is not a predator. We have seen each other multiple times in person, both alone and in groups. We even met in person. We were friends for a while before we got together. We face timed a lot, probably more than the average couple due to distance. My partner moved away for work, so I decided to go to her in the lower cost of living state than my own. I've talked about my partner multiple times, but I never brought them around my parents knowing their views.

My parents went through my phone in front of me, without my consent. They made me unlock it with my fingerprint. Like actually grabbed my hand to do so. They went through my messages and found my partner's address, started purchasing various background checks and criminal records, looking up names. They found out where my partner worked because we talked about work through text.

My parents told me that they'd slash my partner's tires and call their place of work saying there's abuse going on at home relating to me. They were screaming at me about everything that could go wrong. My father eventually tried to call my partner using my phone, but the call wouldn't go through. My partner was on the road coming to get me and was in a spotty area on the highway, so the call dropped. But the assumption was that my partner hung up, so my dad pulled out his gun and loaded it with a bullet in front of my face saying that now he has to prepare to protect his family at all costs.

Right after this, the police knocked on the door. My friends had called the police because I hadn't answered in over 4 hours, I found this out because I made sure I spoke with them when I got my phone back. My parents were telling the cops that a person from the internet I've never met beforehand was coming to get me to live with them. Then officer talked to my parents and the other talked to me. I said how that's not true, that they're holding my phone and that I've met my partner multiple times in person and we knew each other. Offered to show them pictures of us together on my phone, things they got me, the job offer, anything. I said I didn't want to stay and that they're preventing me from leaving. The officers said to just try to convince me to stay and verbally said to give my phone back and walked away in the end and to call tomorrow should anything happen. I did not get my phone back until a day or two later. I feel so stupid, I was genuinely afraid at that point.

My parents went straight back to the room after they left hounding me about what I could've possibly told anyone else. How they're not abusive and I manipulated everyone into thinking that they are, so much so that they called the police. I have NEVER called my parents abusive to anyone, by the way. Not that they'd believe it now. They said calling the police was part of my partner's fantasy to bring me to them. That my partner just wanted me for sex and a savior complex.

They used my phone to call my partner and make threats. It was subtle threats to life. Things like; I know where you and your parents live, if you come here we're going to have problems, if they (me) disappear within the next few weeks I'll come knocking at your door and that's a knock you don't want. Outside of the calls my parents continued to threaten my partner's life but to me instead. How they'll shoot my partner if my partner shows up and call the police after. How if I go through with this they'll do something so drastic it'll be their goodbye to me. They took the number and texted my partner but kept the threats to over the phone.

Out of fear I told my partner to turn back. My partner only turned back because they heard me say it. They said they'd force me to cut contact. They said I was young and susceptible and not mentally ready to ever move, nor was it planned out, threatened my partner again, and hung up. I was then hauled to a hotel for the next two days. I wasn't allowed to leave that room either and I was kept from any access to the phones.

My parents threatened to call the cops on any other irl friend's house I go stay at to come get me. They already threatened to send the police to all of them.

I've never thought of my parents as abusive. I don't believe my parents would ever harm me. But I didn't think they'd go to these lengths. I'm currently being monitored, I can't leave the house. I'm scared that calling the police or 911would be considered wasting resources, and even if I get escorted out now I don't own my own car and have nowhere to stay. I'm afraid of involving my friends.

Before all of this I was so confident in my decision and in myself. Excited, even. Now I feel like I was stripped of all of my autonomy and I don't even know the next step. I believe my parents threats are real threats if I leave. I believe they will cause harm if I leave. I don't even know where to start.

My parents have told me that they're extremely traumatized to the point where they need counseling. I know I scared them. They keep trying to sit me down and keep making me promise I won't try to leave again and will do it the right way. I'm being taken out driving somewhere every single day. I'm being told that the police will take me somewhere, that they won't take me somewhere, that even if my parents pull out guns in front of the police I'll be protected.. That I just experienced abuse. Did I just experience abuse? Am I really as unsafe as everyone says I am?

They're starting to connect random instances to my partner saying they're trying to stalk them. A random TikTok follow, some car being weird outside, a charge on their debit card that they don't remember. At one point my mother was ready to slash some random person's tires because they happened to park in the middle of the street in front of our house. They turned out to be a doordasher looking for a specific house.

I will probably lose my job in the new state over this because I can't even get there. I'm being told if I try to go again I'll effectively basically wake a path of destruction trying to find me and I don't want anyone to get hurt. I've lived here my entire life, this place is all I've known, and I just don't know what to do next. I keep looking up whether or not what they did was illegal.... I used to be so confident in myself and what I wanted before.

Yes. I know I'm posting on reddit. I'm scared. I've obviously never been in this situation before and I don't know who to turn to for help. If anyone can actually help me. I know many of you will see it in black and white and go "just call for a police escort" but I'm really, really concerned over everyone's safety to the point where it's eating at me. I know my parents will willingly go to jail and do things even if the police are there. I feel infantilized and am kicking myself for it getting to my head. I had no access to anything other than my parents yelling at me for I don't even know exactly how long.

I'd like to add if my partner were abusive I feel like it'd come out by now... They don't isolate me, they encourage me to talk to my family. They don't want my money. We were thinking about getting a cat together.

Whoever gives me some advice, any advice, thank you. Please know I'm taking it to heart and I'm going to use it to act on my situation.

To give some context, I feel like my parents have always meant well, but I never got the foundation I needed. My relationship with my parents is slowly turning sour the more I stay here, so I made the executive decision to leave. I believe that while I'm risking a lot, like a lot a lot, I need to make a foundation where I don't have any. And I'm 24.

When I was a teenager, I didn't get my license. I don't have it now. I was actually denied from getting it after asking once or twice. I know how to drive, I have had my permit, I know how to drive, but getting my license means I must now be put on the insurance. My parents have been apprehensive in the past, and I know that one time my mom said she wasn't ready to see me driving (as in she wasn't ready for me to grow up more). I have little way to actually go out driving, and obviously I don't have my own car, so I've been unable to practice. I have my little electric bicycle that gets me around everywhere. My father is my main source of practice, but I find him really unhelpful. There was a period of about a year where I didn't drive at all (only one car, went to mom. couldn't risk me wrecking it), and my second day "back" I was put on a busy freeway and entirely new streets.

This CAUSED a dangerous situation. I warned him how I needed to start smaller again. I'm a highly anxious person and driver, and while I didn't just forget everything I needed to build up that confidence again. During this drive, I was shaking so badly that I almost made the executive decision to pull over until I stopped shaking. I couldn't focus. The reason I DIDN'T pull over was because I'd have been yelled at by my dad to grow up and stop being a child, but I was so genuinely overwhelmed by what was going on. I almost swerved into another car while trying to merge because I couldn't focus due to the shaking and adrenaline. I nearly missed a stop. I haven't driven since then, I haven't asked. I went home and cried for like an hour that day because I previously would have been able to handle that just fine and confidently and I just felt so, so stupid. Nobody was hurt, there was no crash, but it still gets to me even now. I went from being a confident driver to being shaky and anxious again. And I know that in the Real World sometimes I don't have a choice, but I think if I'm LEARNING it should not be done like that.

I am also a university student. It's paid for by me. This upcoming semester I'll be part time, but previously for 2 years I was a full time student. I've worked at the school for a few semesters, and before that I had a job where I saved up enough money to fund my way through college. I did it this way because I have issues with doing both full time college and work at the same time, especially since I'm going through a STEM degree and I was starting from the bottom (as in, I barely passed geometry let alone algebra 2 in high school and jumping to precalculus), so I wanted to focus on my studies as much as I possibly could. I do art commissions on the side for a little extra cash. I did this so I wasn't doing absolutely nothing during my days in college. I may have been home, but I was making money one way or another. Even if it wasn't a lot.

I recently had a job though. Unfortunately it didn't work out. It was a situation where even though I was only two weeks into it, everyone was telling me to leave the job. Even medical professionals were telling me that I should not continue working there. That it wasn't worth it. I was having severe panic attacks I'd never had before, and I was starting to not eat anything during the day, I was throwing up. I am NOT proud of this. I actually am embarrassed by it, I'm embarrassed that I couldn't handle that job, especially because I knew it wasn't difficult. But I quit that job in search of a new one because it was minimum wage, I would be fine with everything I had to pay for with savings. It seemed like the right decision at the time. I mean, I was crying every single break the entire break. I was shaking and trying to hold myself together for 9 hours a day starting at 2am. It wasn't sustainable long term.

Unfortunately, my parents saw this as laziness. That I didn't want to actually work. That I'm letting fears take over my life. That they don't know how much longer they can support "this" (gesturing towards me). They made it seem like all I wanted was to sit in my room and play video games all day and do nothing when that couldn't be further from the truth. And I know if I brought this up to them they'd go "we know you're smart and capable and don't play video games all day" but the way they described it and my situation is so vastly different than what I actually experience I was baffled by it. I tried to be honest with them and tell them exactly why I was quitting, what my plan was (because I DID NOT QUIT WITH NO PLAN), and that I wanted to figure out what happened so it didn't happen again at another job. This was met with "you have no work ethic, you secretly don't want to work. you'll never figure it out because all you want is to sit in your room all day, all you will do is quit the next job and the next job and be comfortable in another square box. this reminds me of my friend who I found out died 3 months ago who also cried at every break of just KUSHY job and he overdosed. I see that in you. Do you want to go to the street? (followed later by no we won't ACTUALLY make you homeless)"

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I was completely baffled by this response. And it made me put some things about my life into perspective. I've lived in this room since I was little. To me they've indicated that they want me out of the house. I'm NOT saying I'm blameless. However, I have felt like after some deep thought that I haven't really been given the foundation to go do the "adulty" things they want. I feel like I need to go make that foundation myself away from my parents. I feel like my parents are far too conflicted, more than they say they are, about me being an adult and treating me like a teenager. I wholly understand that maybe they were just concerned and disappointed, but I was telling them exactly why I made that decision, what led to me making that decision, and it was met with, effectively, "you're just a lazy mooch." Okay.

There's other things that have been done and said to me that are mostly related to my grade school years, but stand out as previous emotional abuse. I used to make excuses for them, because they're my parents, but everyone I've described these situations to, even now, tell me how abusive each situation was. That entire argument with my parents kind of disillusioned me and I view all of those things differently now. To be clear, I'm not saying they're previously emotionally abusive just because they showed they were concerned and upset, they have done specific actions that led to his conclusion.

This situation had me venting to some friends, naturally, but it turned into real talks about me moving elsewhere. I have a couple of friends that room together in another state that I've known since I was a kid. I've got some family and other people in that state that said they'd help and try to support me if I needed it. So I'm moving. I spent the last month and a half talking about logistics, what I need (including vital documents), what I pay for, what my timeline is, etc. I studied their permit and driving test requirements, one of the two friends said they'll teach me. Family over there said they'd let me use their car and drive with me. The other friend got me some interviews at the company they work for so that, hopefully, I won't be completely jobless for long. I've also got phone interviews set up from other places. For now, I use my art money as my main income. It's not super stable income, but it's enough to keep bills paid. I've also sold off quite a few collectibles and other items which left me a hefty chunk of cash.

Student housing is NOT an option because I'm a part time online student. I'd move in with family but the reason I'm not is because I worry about my parents giving them constant grief about me. A lot of people are coming together for me right now and I don't want to add even more to their plate.

I know that this plan isn't secure and rock solid. I can't possibly think of every scenario, and I don't have it all figured out truthfully. I know I'm relying on other people still for a while. But, even though I won't be immediately independent, I feel in my gut that this change is better than being stagnant at my parents house. I also know they don't understand, that they don't understand how I'm just packing up and leaving, why I'm going to this new state. Why I'd make such a stupid decision with little to my name on paper. They're, honestly and understandably, very upset. I can't tell you how many times I've been called an idiot and stupid and been berated for even thinking about leaving today, asked if I know how much anything costs (I do), etc. I can't exactly say that I blame them and I feel guilty.

I feel like I'm making a decision to put myself in a better place, because I'm walking into a support system coming together to help me. And I'm so, so grateful for that. I know being off on my own is hard and expensive. But I also am not getting anywhere and am nowhere close to reaching my goals if I still do nothing, which is why I'm leaving. I need to grow up somehow and live my life. I spent just about 7 years trying to "grow up" with little guidance. All of this yelling at me makes me want to take it all back and start over so so badly, because maybe I really am being a complete idiot and will never figure it out or be able to do things on my own. But I don't want to let that stop me.

So... I'm 24. I'm not the most well off in terms of surviving on my own at this current second, I don't have my license, I'm currently (soon to not be) unemployed, and I'm moving 3 states away (for a job). My parents have been in the dark because, well honestly, I've been planning. They haven't been much of a thought in that aspect because I just don't want to live here anymore. I think about them because I live with them, but I honestly wish I wasn't shackled the way I am at home. I don't want my life to revolve around telling them wherever I'm going and what are basically curfews due to my parents staying up until I come home whenever I go out somewhere. The curfews are "generous," but still. I was lectured for staying at someone's house past midnight when we were all just hanging out and lost track of time, which was when I figured out my parents stayed up until I got home. I'd like to actually get my license, but I don't currently have the budget for lessons and paying for them is literally my only option. They don't want to take me, other people I know are too busy. I realized how I still had to tell them I'm leaving when we were making plans yesterday morning for a few months down the road...

I do have everything planned out to the best of my ability. I spent the past two months planning. I'm going to be moving in with people I know and have met (unfortunately my parents don't know and have never met these people themselves, so saying I'm moving in with them will probably just make them freak out as they think they are people I met off the internet despite meeting them during college), I'll be making more money than at previous jobs and actually have enough budget for driving lessons. Plus, until then, I have an electric bike to commute to where I'm working until I get a car. I've got vital documents except for my birth certificate, which I could either attempt to ask my parents for or just order it online. I don't suspect asking them will go well though...

There's other reasons I want to move... Like I'd like to be able to sleep in without my room being barged into because I'm not up/didn't respond because my door was closed all morning by a certain time. Or just constantly questioned about why my door was closed in the first place. It's all just added up.

I know I'm old enough to not technically require permission to do whatever I want, but I still don't know how to go about it. I feel bad for leaving, for not including them in my life plans even though I know that they'd be upset and call me stupid for even suggesting the thought because of no license and perceived no job. I think subconsciously I know how they'd not approve so I just never said anything. I really want my independence and I think I've kind of sought it without them but I'm not sure how to tell them I'm suddenly going to be gone so soon...