u/Cute_Essay_6057

ive given up on this family a couple of times, but ive never been sure that i cant live here anymore, because i keep forgetting what she does. not forgiving, though. im trying my best to figure out how to leave, and i need help with that although im not sure who to ask. the problem is that foster families often suck and i dont know what other options i have. ive contacted the help line in my country (again, although i didnt remember that i'd done it before) and i plan to ask them. this time, im sure i want to. shes drunk, and up there right now. i know that doesnt sound like much, but ive never been sure about that. i hate her, but i liked our house (now im sure i dont feel safe there) and the fact that i didnt have to pay for a doctor, she was my doctor. i just realised i was never the one who had to pay. i guess she always made me feel that way. i just wanted to write this to share my success in giving up, and to possibly ask others who had to leave their families where they went.

i have tried a number of therapists of different kinds, none have helped me the way i need them to. when youre aware of your emotions, therapy ends up being a lot of conversations about how your week was, and i could tell anybody about that, paying is a waste. my diagnoses so far are C-PTSD, anxiety, dissociative disorder and the suspected rest are depression and autism.

what currently affects me most is a constant exhaustion. i dont know why i have it (although i suspect CPTSD keeping me hyper alert), and nobody has figured it out so far. a doctor suggested my brain may be overworking, since it uses the most amount of energy. the problem is, my disorders and other factors make it difficult to figure out which part of the brain is making me so tired. ive always thought of therapists as listening analyzers and psychiatrists as a higher level specialist, where the main activity is not discussion. im not sure how accurate that is, but psychiatrists can prescribe medicine, and even though a therapist can do that too (in collaboration with your main doctor), psychiatrists are more accustomed to prescribing medication and are probably generally more reliable.

i dont know if psychiatry is really the right way to go, im underage and my caretakers tell me its expensive and gaining access to a psychiatrist is challenging. they also said that it probably wouldnt help and that, for trauma, i need to do body work. one of them suggested reiki, which is a spiritual "energy bending" practice. i think it only works because of the placebo effect. i dont believe in it, so it wont work for me. should i try psychiatry? how do i find a helpful psychiatrist?

nothing can be done. people are stupid, and i cant find anybody smart, who is willing to listen and understand. the people i have met make fun of the way i think, and/or cant keep up with it. they dont understand me, what i say, what i mean, and i have never found anybody who was able to. this doesnt mean they dont exist, but with every day the chances are slimmer that i will find them. that is all. nobody understands, and i dont know where to find those who might.