Bodily autonomy and equalty
I have a question about bodily autonomy that comes from a personal situation.
I consider myself pro-feminist, and I have always believed that bodily autonomy should work both ways. My wife and I have been together for seven years, married for one, and we emigrated to Europe from Russia together. We have been through a lot as a couple.
I have never wanted children, and I eventually had a vasectomy without telling her beforehand. Part of my reasoning was that I did not want pregnancy or childbirth to ever be something expected of her, especially given the health risks and the impact it can have on a person’s life and independence.
When she found the clinic documents, she was extremely hurt and angry. She said I had betrayed her and wasted her time, and I was also accused of being abusive or controlling. I understand that I should probably have been more honest with her before making such a major decision, especially since children are a huge part of a couple’s future.
But I am struggling with the feminist framing of this. If a man pressures a woman into having children, I fully agree that this is coercive and abusive. But if a man decides that he does not want to be an “instrument of reproduction” and permanently opts out of that role, why is that not also seen as an expression of bodily autonomy?
If a woman’s right to abortion or sterilization is fundamental and does not require a man’s approval, should a man’s right to a vasectomy be understood the same way? Or is the ethical issue not the vasectomy itself, but the fact that I did not tell my wife before doing it?
I am genuinely trying to understand where feminism draws the line between bodily autonomy, reproductive coercion, and the responsibility to communicate honestly with a long-term partner.
Thank you for your answer.