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I was looking at the coursework for a bachelors degree in psychology last night, and just knew it wasn’t appealing to me. It’s not just the math, I actually took a look at the coursework descriptions and I know that if I go for even just a bachelors in psychology I will dislike the coursework and be bored, which is not the ideal. The coursework for the social work bachelors degree actually sounds interesting, and I suspect (though it’s too soon to say) that I’ll have an easier time getting through it. I figure that a masters degree program will be pricey, but that’ll be years from now (if all goes as planned, I’ll start one in either 2029 or 2030.) I have a 3.93 GPA and my associates degree will be in Child Development.

I would not consider majoring in math (and I would never make in statistics. Even in community college, statistics with the support course is the lowest grade I have ever gotten - something like a B-, very close to a C+, or maybe it was a C+, though that was years ago so I wouldn’t remember.)

This summer I will start applying to CSU’s as I’m not done with my associates degree yet, but it’s exciting to - at least for now - have a plan. I’m wondering if there’s anything you advise I start doing now, as someone who will get my associates ideally no later than Dec 2026 (though if chdev55a for fall at my school actually does end up being closed, it may not be until May 2027… \\\\\\\*sigh\\\\\\\*… meaning I wouldn’t start at a CSU until August 2027. But I hope that’s not the case.) I have experience as an associate teacher and a behavior technician. The schools I am primarily eyeing are cal state east bay and San Fran state, but I will need to meet with a counselor from San Fran state which is tough because it’s really hard to find one who serves the county. I had partly been turned off from a bachelors in psychology because I know that I wouldn’t like having to take a lot of statistics courses (I actually already took a stats course during my first semester of community college, and was intentional about taking the support course in part because I am not crazy about math. I dropped pre calculus in eleventh grade (which was a long time ago at this point to be fair, as I’m almost 21) in part because I knew that I didn’t want to, well, work hard just for the class lol.

When I worked with two kiddos, I remember that I was not great about following what their SLP’s (speech language pathologists) recommended in regards to slowing down speech for them and working on speech for them. I enjoy reading but don’t actually find the way people process language that interesting.

I think I’ve read before that sexuality has a genetic component, but looking at my family I definitely think that this is true. I am bisexual, my brother is bisexual, my maternal aunt is bisexual, my maternal grandmother was bisexual, etc. And those are only the ones we know about.

Social skills/social adaptability to an extent - and not just in the sense of being extroverted, but moreso in the sense of having charisma and the ability to influence a group of people. My maternal grandfather was, from what I remember, quite charismatic - he had the most memorable voice and demeanor of the 3/4 grandparents I’d met. I have two male cousins (1st cousins once removed, his nephews, they are brothers) who I noticed seemed to have a similar “effect” (one of them actually ended up in sales.) The cousin who remembers my great grandparents had also described my great grandfather in particular as having been very likable, extroverted, memorable and well known. My maternal grandfather obtained a bachelors degree and wasn’t necessarily a “nice” person, but I do think that his charisma and ability to read people to an extent helped him move up the ranks and become a news reporter.

I think I’ve read before that sexuality has a genetic component, but looking at my family I definitely think that this is true. I am bisexual, my brother is bisexual, my maternal aunt is bisexual, my maternal grandmother was bisexual, etc. And those are only the ones we know about.

Social skills/social adaptability to an extent - and not just in the sense of being extroverted, but moreso in the sense of having charisma and the ability to influence a group of people. My maternal grandfather was, from what I remember, quite charismatic - he had the most memorable voice and demeanor of the 3/4 grandparents I’d met. I have two male cousins (1st cousins once removed, his nephews, they are brothers) who I noticed seemed to have a similar “effect” (one of them actually ended up in sales.) The cousin who remembers my great grandparents had also described my great grandfather in particular as having been very likable, extroverted, memorable and well known. My maternal grandfather obtained a bachelors degree and wasn’t necessarily a “nice” person, but I do think that his charisma and ability to read people to an extent helped him move up the ranks and become a news reporter.

He was my maternal grandfather’s father. He was not an educated man, though I think that this was mainly due to the lack of expectations set forth for black people in this time frame (the census records indicate that he was able to read and write, as was his wife, my great grandmother.) The highest level of education he completed was seventh grade. It appears that when he was high school aged, he worked on his father’s farm. I recall seeing that he appeared to do a lot of physical/handiwork later on, such as being, if I remember right, a mill operator in adulthood. He was born between 1903-1905, and died in 1970, three years after my great grandmother (who was though here to have been an ESTJ. The cousin who remembers my great grandparents suggested that my great grandfather was “never the same” after great grandma died, and was a lot more reclusive than he’d ever been known to be in the years beforehand.

A cousin who remembers he and my great grandmother suggested that he was very well known within Greenwood, Mississippi and the cousin seemed to emphasize this (he suggested that people were always happy to see my great grandfather, and that his last name was particularly well known.) He and my great grandmother had eight children in total (all of their children did not turn out well - the cousin had talked about two of the brothers being involved in crime, and though my maternal grandfather, their youngest child, grew up to be quite smart and actually was educated, he grew up to be an abusive parent himself.) He apparently did not stop it from being known that my grandfather was an “accident” (I’m not sure that he is the one who said it himself, but my maternal aunt suggested this to have been the case.) He also did not stop my great grandmother from beating the children with belts, and the cousin I talked to had suggested that he did this far less frequently himself than my great grandmother did (“rarely” was the word the cousin had used) and really only saved this for very serious occasions. Given that it seemingly did not bother him that the belt was used (and my maternal grandfather, who was his youngest child, had gone on to use the belt on my mother and maternal aunt himself) I assume that he was raised in a household wherein beatings and/or corporal punishment were used and/or accepted.

Due in part to his low education level, the family were consequently poor in spite of the fact that he was apparently well known and well liked amongst those in the neighborhood according to the cousin I’d spoken to. My maternal grandfather was raised in a home that had no indoor plumbing. It appears that he was still able to afford to rent a house, though back in the day that may have been a little bit easier (I actually am not so sure though. He’d have been renting between the 1920s to 1970s as a black man without a formal education, but it seems when I look at both sides of my family that people were living in houses even when poor, so I don’t know.) As I said, it appeared he tended to do the kind of work that I’d associate with trades nowadays, very hands on type of work.

He was overweight in every picture I have seen of him (my mother suggested that she believes he died of colon cancer.) He was lightskinned (he is also described in the census records as having been “light brown” when his WW2 draft card is listed.) In spite of this, he was married to my great grandmother who I have been told was dark skinned, and I have never heard that he put her or her appearance down - my mother mentioned that when she visited the aunts and uncles in childhood, the aunts and uncles had praised my great grandmother’s appearance (though I honestly think she was average looking. She was overweight like him) and I sense that if he were always putting her down that probably wouldn’t have been the case. A more distant cousin had also remembered him, suggesting that he came over to her mother’s house (that he and her mother were first cousins.) She had said that he “loved her mother’s cooking” and would come around Thanksgiving time to have a taste of her mother’s homemade hog head cheese. I actually saw in a census record that his own mother was recorded as having been a “servant” (this was her listed job title) so I do wonder if she had been a good cook herself. She had suggested that he was likely out there visiting other families, or that from what she remembers, that is what he had been doing. She did not have any negative recount to share.

It seems that he never tried to make my great grandmother work in spite of the fact that they as a family unit were very poor (she is always listed as having been a homemaker.) She had also been married once beforehand, though she had no children from that marriage and I don’t know whether or not he knew about this.

He and my great grandmother are pictured together in the only photograph we have of them (it is actually on my profile) dressed up rather formally (he dons a suit, tie, hat and nice shoes.) They both don serious expressions.

One of my great aunts is named after his mother, so I presume that he had affection for her.

Much like my great grandmother, it seems that he never moved out of Greenwood, Mississippi, where they had both been born and raised.

What are questions that pop up for you about your ancestors/things that you wonder?

As a black woman:

\\-I remember that, from my perspective, my maternal grandfather was the smartest of the 3/4 grandparents I’d actually met (this does not mean that he was a good person.) He also had the highest education level of the four (he received a bachelors degree from a California school in Journalism or English - my maternal grandmother had her associates in accounting and my paternal grandparents never attended nor completed college.) His parents both did not have anything past a middle school education (if I remember correctly, his mother’s highest level was 5th grade and his father stopped at 7th to start working on a farm - back then in Mississippi, it seems that expectations in terms of education for black children were low) but I remember that m y maternal grandpa was a sharp man. It makes me wonder who else in the bloodline had that potential, the potential to attend college and succeed, if they’d been given the opportunity. I’m obviously not talking about actual education, but about \\\*potential.\\\* I had more recently met with a man who had worked closely with my grandfather and he was talking about how sharp my grandpa was, about how he truly understood radio, and he had seemed surprised when I told him that my grandpa had grown up poor with 7 siblings. I just wonder: what kind of potential did his parents both respectively have? Were there any grandparents, aunts, uncles of his who had similar academic potential and were just never given the opportunity to meet it?

\\-We know that schizophrenia is in the bloodline, because my older brother has it and my mother seems to have either psychosis or late onset. When I think back to the way I remember my maternal grandmother having been - very religious, and according to my mother made voodoo dolls of people she disliked and thought she could do magic (I remember her trying to practice multiple religions) it makes me think that someone within her bloodline was schizophrenic, as though I don’t think grandma would have met the criteria for a formal diagnosis in the way my mother may at this stage of her life, what I just described sounds pretty close to it, yes? From what I’ve heard about maternal grandma’s parents it doesn’t sound like either of them struggled with it, but I have a strong suspicion that one of my maternal grandma’s family members did. My maternal grandpa was also known to have paranoid tendencies when he struggled with addiction issues, so I wonder if it was somewhere in his bloodline. I just wonder if during slavery one of my distant ancestors was dealing with schizophrenia. I also believe, even though he was never formally diagnosed, that my father is schizoaffective. We know a paternal aunt has it and when I looked into my cousins’ social media pages I thought one of them on my mom’s side seemed to have it or something like it (one of her first cousins) so we know it’s around, but I just wonder how far back we may be able to trace it if I really asked around.

\-I wonder what my maternal grandpa’s mother did after she completed 5th grade. I saw in the census records that she was married to a man who wasn’t my great grandfather between the ages of 17-18 (no children from that marriage it seems,) but even with the census records I don’t really know anything about her parents and what she may have done between the ages of 11-16.

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Today, I am “celebrating” my 21st birthday though I have an external hemorrhoid, am on my period and a difficult mother who has still been screaming in spite of the fact that it is my birthday. It is hard for me to believe that I am going to be that old (though I know that 21 is of course not actually “old.” Old to me right now would be someone who is in their mid-thirties and beyond,) and I suspect that I feel that way in part because of a developmental delay I may have experienced as a result of immense trauma in my youth. When I was newly 14, a family member had almost hit me with a tennis racket. I always knew that they intended to seriously harm me, but when I saw a therapist a few months later, I was intentional in not telling her about the fact that this family member had attempted to do this and about death threats they’d technically made towards me, in part out of a desire to protect them. I have watched my entire immediate family fall apart since I was 13-14, and have realized that even though I was quite happy - just a normal child who liked to play outside, basked in the sun, and adored Ramona Quimby - my immediate family members were not truly normal when I was a child (my brother was I suppose) and my parents were putting on… I almost typed an act, but that doesn’t quite feel right. Let’s say that they were, from my perspective, sincerely attempting to try and be normal out of care for me. I realized when I was 14 that none of them actually were, and was consequently quite depressed as a 9th grader as a result. I had developed a big crush, my most intense and serious crush, on a boy who ranked me a little below average that year as a result - and liked him for an entire year even though in hindsight he was far from being the boy who was kindest to me in high school - though this means nothing to me now, and I actually don’t know why I’m mentioning it. It took me longer to move on from him than ideal. In adulthood I’ve just never liked anyone to that same extent, and I’m not so sure that I ever will again. I had deep insecurity concerning my physical appearance when I was in high school, as in 9th grade I discovered during what was already a difficult time in my life that the majority of my peers had called me ugly behind my back when I was in middle school (though once again, as I am growing older, this is really becoming less and less relevant to me over time. I’ve been asked out by 4-5 of my Uber/Lyft drivers, one more recently was a man from Mexico who pursued me quite a bit, was asking me out for coffee and actually persistent about it. I’ve been approached before, but I’ve never had a man be so persistent about it. He was college educated too, a bachelors degree in Business Management. I initially said yes to his “do you want to date me” request because I somehow almost felt like saying no would be impolite, but after giving it further thought, I was honest with him and admitted that I don’t think I’m ready to be dating. I am not ready to be dating for a variety of reasons. I have an immensely dysfunctional immediate family who I resent, and I’ve come to regret coming to stay in a home with them. My mother is the person who got us kicked out of the apartment complex I grew up in in the first place, and she may have developed schizophrenia or perhaps psychosis over time. I am becoming agitated dealing with her and am still not sleeping well, though I also have mild sleep apnea (and am actually trying to get a CPAP because of it, when my doctor is back from her vacation. I’ll meet with her again in mid-April as we discussed and follow up with her about our plans.) It is fair to say that all of my immediate family members have lower empathy levels than average, and I sincerely would not be surprised with some of the things I’ve seen go on here if one of them has killed or seriously injured a person before and gotten away with it. I actually remember watching he chuckt and nightmare on elm street films on repeat in preschool on the DVD player in my parents’ bedroom as a child, but people said that I was very well behaved in childhood in spite of it.

I allow myself to look unkempt. I have my hair done professionally and have changed the colors more than once, but I don’t go out of my way to wear makeup even though I’ve bought it a few times before, and I shop for new clothes sometimes (dresses in particular, which are apparently my trademark) but don’t go out of my way to look presentable even though I could technically afford to.

The crush thing I mentioned above is almost kind of funny to me now that I’m older, in part because the guy who I liked the longest is now someone who I wouldn’t look at twice if I passed him by on the street, but also just absolutely, absolutely did not have as many positive qualities as I’d felt he did at the time. In fact, half the grade disliked him, though a lot of the grade in middle school didn’t like me (which is just another thing you really stop caring about as you grow older. I don’t even remember most of middle school anymore.)

I have a 3.93 in community college undergrad. I am hoping to have my associates in Child Development by Dec 2026, but it appears that it is possible one of the classes I’ll need to take will be closed, so I may not have it until May 27 - if I’m able to get it in Dec I’ll start my bachelors in Jan 2027 and if it’s not until May I’ll get it in Aug 2027. I have 4 more classes left for my associates and have passed 19 since I started community college. I will go to a California state university. I have mild sleep apnea, depression, and anxiety. I have $50.2k saved now and will be 21 in a few days, but I will have to start living on my own in a place that will likely be between $950-$1.5k a month, and I’ll see how that works out for me. I’ll also likely start paying for my own phone bill, and shopping for my own food. I admit that I have partly stayed with my parents for so long out of fear of… you know, a few months ago, I would have said that it was partly out of fear of being surrounded by potentially dangerous people, but I actually don’t think that’s true. Well, it is to an extent - I don’t want to move to an area with a lot of sketchy people (though this motel already has a lot of sketchy people) and certainly not one with a high crime rate, but I also feel like being in this motel and dealing with my mother’s persistent screaming and having to accept her overall pointless, stupid decisionmaking while dealing with a physical health concern (that’s actually quite common) has made me realize that I can probably “handle” more than I thought I could, if that makes sense. I feel like I already put up with a lot of nonsense. I’m an adult, and if someone tries to harm me in a dangerous area, I am probably more equipped than I used to think I was to handle this. Not something like a rape, but, well, I don’t know. I think that what I was actually really afraid of/not looking forward to was what I feel is almost… I wouldn’t say inevitable. Inevitable isn’t the right word at all. Just having less of a safety net, or really having no safety net financially is what I have always expected having to live independently would lead to eventually. I’m realizing that I will have to suck it up, budget and figure things out for myself, even though I don’t want to (probably party my depression talking.)

I have decided - though this plan may change - that I will go for my bachelors and then masters in social work. I have other options with the exception of nursing (nursing programs in my state are impacted. It’s competitive out here because nurses are paid so well, and in high school I wanted to be one badly but changed my mind due to emerophobia and just a realization that I don’t think I’m passionate about it. I wouldn’t want to be on my feet so often like that and to be expected to think and act so quickly on the job, I have poor reflexes and don’t think that it’s for me.) I also have an idea of what CSU’s I will apply to, though for one of the few I’m thinking of, it’s very hard to meet with a counselor from the school. I was thinking about going for psychology, but I just knew immediately when I read through the list of courses on the CSU websites that I’m not going to like it enough to keep it as my major if I do go for it. I had actually changed my community college major from psych to child development in summer 2025, but that was partly because I had taken more CHDev courses (I was a psych major but not \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*really\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* following the degree path. I was more focused at the time on working at the preschool I worked at shortly after graduating from high school, and saving money that way) and I knew that I’d get the associates in CHDev faster. As I’m growing older and older I’m starting to regret it, however. I suppose I shouldn’t regret it too much, because what I learned after meeting with a CSU (just think of it as university if you don’t know what that acronym stands for) counselor is that I can of course switch my major when I transfer (in undergrad at community college no counselor I met with ever even mentioned that. It probably would have saved me a lot of time if I’d known that,) and so I know that it probably isn’t such a good idea to get so fixated on what I end up majoring in (even if I decide later on after getting a bachelors in social work that I don’t want to do it, I could always get my masters in something different like special ed. There are options, and realizing this makes me feel good, actually. Makes me feel less boxed in. And even though I’ll have so many majors to pick from - but I know I don’t want anything math heavy, that was partly why I’d changed my mind about psychology, so probably not anything like accounting and absolutely nothing like statistics - I’m actually not overwhelmed by the thought. Social work is what I have decided on for now, and time will tell whether or not I’ll come to regret it. The numbers I was seeing in the comment section when I asked different locals what they are making with their masters in social work - $100k for multiple - sounded promising to me, so even though Redditors keep discouraging it in the comment section, saying you won’t make enough money with the degree, it’s what I’m currently planning on going for. Some part of me really does think that it’s not so much about the degree as it is about how you utilize what you learned during your time obtaining it.)

When I was a child, about 9, I was already dealing with depression. As an adult, I wonder if it may have partly been epigenetics.

I remember that when I was 9 out of the blue after the family temporarily stayed in a hotel, I’d found that I started to feel depressed. It was partly that I’d realized I’d one day have to be on my own. But as an adult I wonder if there was more to the story. My mom, even though she seemed so normal when I wass a child, got us kicked out of the apartment complex I grew up in and were actually in a hotel now that I’m almost 21 (I’m working on moving out myself.) my brother was in hindsight depressed when we were kids and he developed schizophrenia, started using drugs in high school. My mother, such a terrible person she is, was abused by both of my grandparents. My maternal grandma was sexually abused herself as a minor. And I’m already a black woman, as an adult I wonder how much of that depression and geelinng of wanting to harm myself at a young age came from genetics, in addition to my environment in childhood perhaps having nt actually been as great as I had wanted to believe it to be when I was a kid.

I’ve been thinking more lately about whether or not I actually sincerely want to have kids and marry, or if I have just always thought that I wanted to because it’s what you’re taught you’re supposed to do growing up as a woman. My parents, for example, had kids in part because they felt that they were supposed to. I don’t think that this is necessarily uncommon. But especially with this issue coming up, I’m thinking more about how even though it’d be nice to continue on my bloodline, I also want to make sure that I’m taking care of my body, and I know that I would probably not actually make for a good parent. I think back to certain mistakes I made when I was 18-19, and though I’m older now, I just know that I am the kind of person who would end up being a negligent parent without meaning to be (and it doesn’t help that my own parents were negligent.) When you have kids, there are a lot of scary things that can happen - to you as the woman and to the kids.

I am comfortable having/keeping 2009 people on a networking site. I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t like it, in a way. I know deep down inside that it doesn’t actually mean anything, but it makes me feel nice I suppose. Maybe I am image oriented in a way. I don’t want to do poorly, academically or in life. I do want to be successful even though I don’t always have the energy for it. I have been thinking more recently about how excited I am to sign up for more classes, and about what I want to switch my major to when I switch to a university (well, transfer. Though I have been doing a poor job of actually going ahead and researching the differing options - it’ll end up most likely being psychology or social work, but I know deep down inside that I should probably ask someone who has more expertise and am not even sure that a psychology or social work major is most suitable for me. I’ve never been able to figure out what is most suitable for me. I have been told I am receptive to feedback and good at following directions in addition to being a strong communicator, but I have just never found that one subject or topic that really piques my interest. I’m really not actually very inquisitive at all, and it’s partly why I’m not “smart” even though in middle school (and trust, as an adult I understand that nothing that happened in middle school matters now. I feel silly mentioning it really, was just a kid) I was apparently considered the smartest girl in my grade. I’ve just never had a strong idea of what my longterm goals are. However, now that I’m getting closer and closer day by day to the starting a bachelors degree phrase, I am realizing that maybe I do have a slightly better idea than I thought I did. It’s not just about hearing from others what I’m good at vs. what I may need to work on (I don’t like saying bad at. I prefer to try having a growth mindset when it comes to learning new things, but I also admit there are surely certain things some people are naturally better at than others, like certain sports.) For example, when I think about my family’s experience with a local housing authority wherein I felt like the communication of the case workers and the company’s organization was very poor in a time wherein we were already stressed and in need of support, I find myself feeling as though I’d perhaps like to try out being a case manager at some point and providing support to those who are experiencing housing insecurity. I have been in their shoes before. Other than the aforementioned nursing, psychology (which I’ve decided I don’t think I’d be into, in part because it seems very research oriented and I don’t think I’ll like that) I have actually considered becoming a substance use counselor before after seeing my brother struggle with it. This is once again something I’ve changed my mind about as I’ve grown older, in part because when I did go visit my brother in rehab programs, I was honestly - and this is the truth, though it may change as I develop more of an understanding of what often leads to drug abuse (I know trauma, genetics, etc. factor in, mental health struggles of course) - afraid of some of the people I met there. This may not be unfair, because some of them had been to jail which my brother has mentioned, and had done things I can’t envision myself ever doing. I was actually not afraid a few months ago when I was approached by a man who had been to jail before for a domestic violence incident and wanted a child with me badly, and asked him why he reached out to me even though he’d called me the b word over text some months ago because I was curious about it. I used to struggle more with communication, but have worked on this as I’ve grown older. It just makes life easier if you aren’t assuming things about a person’s mindset or asking others to pick their brain. I asked them why they had done something, and he may or may not have been honest, but I think you just need to try and gain the other person’s perspective.

I do have diagnosed depression and anxiety. I was actually set to start seeing a new therapist immediately after high school (saw one for a few years in high school and admit in hindsight that I did not take the therapy as “seriously” as ideal, in the sense of really using it as a space for personal growth (I probably used it as more of a space to vent about the personal problems I was having. I was introspective enough to know even at the time that I was not actually “taking it seriously” and wanted to rant about issues with my peers and family. I also knew at 18 that I was likely still not going to immediately go in there and really use it to grow as a person - I was also just busy with other life things, and not prioritizing my mental health. I have thought about going in for therapy again as I have started to realize the value of ensuring that you have enough time and energy to hone in on different things that will prove important to your overall growth, but I also have just realized that everything that’s been happening with the family is actually a lot more to take in than I’d wanted to accept, and it may be beneficial. I think it’s silly that there’s such a stigma around seeing therapists, because in life there are so many abnormal, traumatic things that happen to a lot of different people in the world, and I think that it’s ideal to have a space to discuss your problems without the judgement the average person may lay onto you for trying.

I used to talk frequently in middle school about my desire to attend an “accredited” college (one that had a good reputation, low acceptance rate, was never one of those students who was looking to get into an Ivy though.) I was concerned about academic success from an early age - when I was 9, I was in the “average” math class and at risk of being moved into the lower one. My former childhood best friend was in the “advanced” math class. In spite of my depression (and interestingly enough, I remember that I actually recognized I was displaying symptoms of depression after a temporary stay at a hotel wherein it occurred to me when I was thinking about one day having to move and be on my own that I was eventually going to die, as were my family members. I changed afterwards and would say I developed depression,) I had studied my way into the advanced math class. I remained in advanced math in middle school even though I wasn’t great at it in 7th-8th grade (and I know that this is true when I reflect in spite of my reputation for being “smart” - I was a TA for the math teacher and she was a black woman who I feel liked me and wanted to mentor me,) and was still in advanced math throughout high school, but I chose to drop Pre Calculus as a junior because I thought at the time that I wanted to become a nurse and knew that I wasn’t willing to work harder for the class (I knew nursing would require statistics, and I have taken a stats class an adult in college, but was intentional about taking the support course to decrease my likeliness of failing. Part of my issue is that I took algebra 2 over quarantine, and even though my grades remained strong over quarantine, it was harder to focus that year due to the change and I don’t think I’d remember as much of algebra 2 consequently as I may algebra 1 or geometry.) I was actually trying to work on my math learning gaps when I was 10 and 11 (I was briefly moved into a lower middle class - the average one - by my 6th grade science teacher who had also introduced us to the twilight zone which is a show I’ve ended up loving for nearly a decade, but was bumped up again by 7th. I remember how big of a hit being moved down was to my self esteem at the time. It was something I’d cried about, because I used to put a lot into my academic success. At 9, even though no one had said it yet - they wouldn’t say it until I hit middle school - I knew that I was not “pretty”, I even felt I was “ugly” like they’d come to say in middle school - I decided I needed to focus on academics because as a poor black girl who was not “pretty” I realized that I was going to have to work harder if I wanted to advance in life.

I do recall that my shift in my way of thinking at 9, wherein I started studying and came to care about being in the advanced math class/not being perceived as “dumb” (but as an adult I understand that you can’t really control what other people think of you. I also understand, unlike my mother who truly thinks she knows more than the average doctor, that I’m not “smart” in part because I don’t care to research things, am not actually very curious these days, and am starting to feel like I have made very shortsighted impulsive decisions in the past,) that it was partly a matter of wanting to feel like I was somebody, if that makes sense. After looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that I wasn’t “pretty” (and I do recognize that I had partly felt that way because I am not white. I grew up in an area with a really low black population, so it makes sense that I was thinking like that/feeling that way,) and also recognizing that I was not the popular type nor a teacher’s pet (though in middle school I was certainly a teacher’s pet, and after my 4th grade transformation I started to become one,) I just wanted to make sure that I was good at something. I didn’t want to feel worthless, I didn’t want to be a disappointment. That’s also why I could never be comfortable with an entire row of C’s, even as an adult - in high school, I had a peer who had a 2.8 in sophomore year, even with all of my mental health troubles I’d have never been okay with letting my grades go down that much. Even a 3.2 would make me feel weird.

I had also been jealous that year (4th grade) of a girl in my grade who was indeed a teachers pet, and remember knowing heading into fifth grade that I wanted to be one of the class leaders like her - looked up to by the younger kids (though I don’t think I’ve ever sincerely had leadership qualities, which is okay. Some people have those more naturally. Most of us have, I believe, different skills and qualities that are important in different ways.)

In spite of my obsession with getting into a well ranked school as a middle schooler and 9th grader, I am actually very comfortable with the fact that I will likely just end up attending a California state university with a high acceptance rate. Sure, there are things that are beneficial about attending those high ranked universities - sometimes they have better professors, there are probably more networking opportunities in ways I may not recognize especially at Ivy leagues, etc. But I am comfortable with where I’ll be ending up, even though I’d just like to get the education taken care of sooner than later. As an adult you realize that a lot of people never really even get that associates degree/get caught up in life, and that a degree is a degree, no matter where you get it from, in addition to the fact that there are just so many different paths you can take as an adult that I really didn’t know about when younger.

I did not immediately move away from my volatile family members and cut them off in spite of the fact that some people… well, would have. I mean, I have seen since we got to the hotel two of my immediate family members physically fight one another. This doesn’t happen within most families. I have engaged in arguments with my mother and brother, and know that I have taken on an intense energy in the past when I was feeling very angry, yelling at others in moments wherein it may not have been appropriate (particularly those who I suppose did not have power over me, even though this was not intentional.)

I have actually defended the family member who nearly hit me with a tennis racket a few times when other things have come up, though I won’t specify which it was, in part because over time I found myself feeling as though I was responsible to an extent for the predicament they ended up in even though as an adult I am starting to understand that that really doesn’t make any sense at all, given that I’ve always been younger than them. I also sometimes argue with this family member so it depends. But as I’ve grown older I’ve mostly just aimed to block out the tennis racket memory and continue on with life as normal. I do think that over quarantine at fifteen, I had started to struggle with my sleeping schedule in part due to this.

I also have developed a bad habit of getting into the bed quite late, which I recognize is partly my fault. When I was in middle school through ninth grade I was more disciplined, a lot more disciplined actually, in terms of my sleep hygiene/habits.

I suspect that if I am to become a parent, I will be negligent. I sincerely believe that most people aren’t “good parents” but I don’t think that this is an excuse to put in minimum effort if you have a child. I don’t think I’d put in minimum effort, but moreso that due in part to my own life experiences I’d probably let certain things slide or pass which isn’t ideal. I know that having a kid right now would especially be a bad idea. I believe that I will probably never actually be ready to have one, but right now not even fully knowing how to take care of myself, it’d be a nightmare waiting to happen.

If you ask me \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*why\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* I want to earn a bachelors degree (and then ideally masters afterwards. I know it’d likely be wise to keep an open mind concerning what I end up majoring in,) it’s in part because I think that furthering my education will provide me with more of a safety net in the longterm. However, it’s also partly about… I almost wrote prestige, but that’s not the right word - image is, in a sense. If I have a 3.93 in community college, it means that I am capable of obtaining a bachelors degree (though I know that if I just stop at a bachelors in social work, it’ll be a challenge to move up the income bracket.) It’s hard to explain, it’s not so much about me feeling like it’s make me smarter as it is about feeling like I should do what I feel I am capable of. Those who are more educated than you will look down on you, and people will look down on you for any reason, but I want to be able to say, “Hey. A lot of people didn’t treat me well in my youth, and sure some of them have changed with time, but I’m not going to give into what a lot of them want or wanted and let myself fail my classes.” It also just never hurts in general to gain more knowledge and further your education as schools will always have resources for you.

I think that most people inherently don’t have good morals, but I have also come to believe as I’ve grown older that people aren’t as bad as I thought they were in my youth. I’ve met good people, I’ve met bad people, and I’ve met plenty of people who were somewhere in between. We also change as we progress through life. I did things when I was younger that may have made you feel I was a bad person. This doesn’t mean that I lack empathy for other people, or that I haven’t bettered myself in some ways as I’ve grown older.

Concerning romantic love, I was obsessed with finding it in high school, but as an adult I don’t care as much. I’ve hit a stage as of late wherein I am happy about the fact that I am getting closer to starting a bachelors degree program, and that something in my life is actually really moving forward.

I write like this: “thanks for answering my inquiry. Have a good night” and “The last thing I will say here is that actions have consequences in the longterm. Going to prison isn’t anyone’s fault but your own. You mentioned when you first met me that you have a domestic violence charge. Hitting a woman is a choice” and “I can provide resources for therapy/therapists if you need someone to talk to. That is what I can do here” and “Hi! I have a lawyer who I may be able to connect you with. Would you be open to sharing more with me about the apartment/renting issue so I can pass it by him and see if he can provide support?” And “Thank you!! I definitely need to increase my water intake! I’m happy to hear that you’ve been well! I hope you’ve been having fun with the little one/that he is in good health!”

I have made more money over time, in general. I am at $26/hr, the highest amount I’ve ever made, at a company I am not contracted for consistently, and have made $5-$6/hr more than what I made at my first job when I left (I had switched into working with my last company when the parent at the job whose kiddo I’d worked with gave me a strong recommendation. They knew I wanted to make more money. I moved from $17/hr to $19/hr when I advocated for myself, but I always knew that it was possible for me to make more, and this was partly why I made the switch to the second job even though I’d been at my first for what was coming on a year and a half at that point. However, it was also because I sensed I wasn’t necessarily doing “well” with the kiddo I was primarily working with, and decided that I may benefit from learning a new system that could provide me with a wider range of skills to support those I work with.) I wouldn’t go for anything under $24/hr now, but my range is between $24-$28/hr right now. As I further my education, that amount will increase.

At my first job out of high school, I was focused on having fun and did tend to request feedback. I wasn’t “great” at that first job but in hindsight I really don’t think that this is important. I was very young and my focus was on having fun with the kids. I do know, in general however, that I don’t want to become a preschool teacher, even though I could see myself working with elementary schoolers (a counselor had asked me if I would want a K-3 teaching credential down the line, the answer is really that I could see myself getting one, but wouldn’t necessarily describe it as a “goal” of mine. Just something I’d be open to.

I had stayed in the only romantic relationship I have technically ever really been in for longer than ideal in spite of the fact that he disrespected the rules I’d set more than once, in part because I’d already had us go public with it (I wanted my peers to know that it was possible for me to get a boyfriend. Writing this as I near 21 I feel stupid because even though I so badly wanted a boyfriend I in the midst of my body dysmorphia from ages 15-16, I recognize now that I’m a little older that focusing on dating in high school would have been a mistake that likely would’ve done nothing more than increase my chances of a teen pregnancy. I actually made sure we never slept together because I knew I didn’t want to deal with a pregnancy, and he wasn’t the type in hindsight who would have been really careful about it, there were a few comments he’d made that let me know he wouldn’t have been.) I’ve actually had far more dating opportunities as an adult, but I have just never went for them. I don’t think I can be in a successful relationship until I’m happier with myself and feel like I understand more about life. This isn’t the time yet. I may feel more prepared in a few years.

I am apparently perceived by some of the people I’ve met as “sweet.” I had an Uber driver who waited longer for me, different one than the man in the first paragraph, in part because, he said, he remembered having driven me once and that I had seemed like such a “sweet girl” (another driver had described me that way once as well too. It’s interesting because people used to describe my mother that way, or at least said that about her in a post I’d made/written when I’d asked around in a few public groups to see if people had pictures of her. I had been doing this because I’d thought it may be nice to one day show my child photographs of the family but actually moreso because for a while I was having fun looking at pictures of family members so that I’d have an idea later on of whether or not my kid looked like one of them, but I of course understand that they could look like anyone from either side of the family, a combination of people, etc. I mean, I don’t necessarily look like any of my family members to a tee.)

In 11th grade, when a girl (INTP, I think) suggested she wasn’t planning on having kids, I used to kind of try and goad her (suggesting that children are a blessing, that she may change her mind, etc.) I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have ever actually been prolife, though. My mother is, and I don’t like that because I don’t think if’s good for women who have been sexually abused or raped - or who just know they don’t want to be parents and likely won’t make for good ones anyhow - to needlessly bring children into the world. I don’t think of a fetus as being a life anyhow. I’m actually pretty grossed out by people who \\\*are\\\* prolife, because the thought has also always occurred to me that a woman could so easily die in childbirth, and pro lifers, from my perspective, are valuing the “life” of the fetus as opposed to the life of the mother, who is already an adult and could just as easily die while giving birth to the baby.

I went ahead, got dressed and took pictures in the wedding-style dress I’d bought from a local store a month or two ago even though my physical pain is back today (I had been planning on going shopping but the physical pain over the last few weeks had been too much. I also don’t like buying dresses or any outfit in general online because I like to have a good idea of how it will make my body/figure look first.)

I am not religious, in spite of the fact that my maternal grandmother and mother are (and maternal grandma in particular had tried very hard, I think, to encourage my brother and I to be “good Catholics.”) I actually decided at the age of ten, before knowing anything about what grandma had done, that I personally identified as an atheist. I sat down one day, thought about it, and decided that I didn’t think that it made sense/was real. Whenever I am especially agitated however, I start crying and sometimes ask God for help or ask Him why he has made certain aspects of my life so difficult (and I’ve always done that. Even when I was 10 and unhappy, I would sit there, sob, and do that.)

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As a black woman:

\-I remember that, from my perspective, my maternal grandfather was the smartest of the 3/4 grandparents I’d actually met (this does not mean that he was a good person.) He also had the highest education level of the four (he received a bachelors degree from a California school in Journalism or English - my maternal grandmother had her associates in accounting and my paternal grandparents never attended nor completed college.) His parents both did not have anything past a middle school education (if I remember correctly, his mother’s highest level was 5th grade and his father stopped at 7th to start working on a farm - back then in Mississippi, it seems that expectations in terms of education for black children were low) but I remember that m y maternal grandpa was a sharp man. It makes me wonder who else in the bloodline had that potential, the potential to attend college and succeed, if they’d been given the opportunity. I’m obviously not talking about actual education, but about \*potential.\* I had more recently met with a man who had worked closely with my grandfather and he was talking about how sharp my grandpa was, about how he truly understood radio, and he had seemed surprised when I told him that my grandpa had grown up poor with 7 siblings. I just wonder: what kind of potential did his parents both respectively have? Were there any grandparents, aunts, uncles of his who had similar academic potential and were just never given the opportunity to meet it?

\-We know that schizophrenia is in the bloodline, because my older brother has it and my mother seems to have either psychosis or late onset. When I think back to the way I remember my maternal grandmother having been - very religious, and according to my mother made voodoo dolls of people she disliked and thought she could do magic (I remember her trying to practice multiple religions) it makes me think that someone within her bloodline was schizophrenic, as though I don’t think grandma would have met the criteria for a formal diagnosis in the way my mother may at this stage of her life, what I just described sounds pretty close to it, yes? From what I’ve heard about maternal grandma’s parents it doesn’t sound like either of them struggled with it, but I have a strong suspicion that one of my maternal grandma’s family members did. My maternal grandpa was also known to have paranoid tendencies when he struggled with addiction issues, so I wonder if it was somewhere in his bloodline. I just wonder if during slavery one of my distant ancestors was dealing with schizophrenia. I also believe, even though he was never formally diagnosed, that my father is schizoaffective. We know a paternal aunt has it and when I looked into my cousins’ social media pages I thought one of them on my mom’s side seemed to have it or something like it (one of her first cousins) so we know it’s around, but I just wonder how far back we may be able to trace it if I really asked around.

-I wonder what my maternal grandpa’s mother did after she completed 5th grade. I saw in the census records that she was married to a man who wasn’t my great grandfather between the ages of 17-18 (no children from that marriage it seems,) but even with the census records I don’t really know anything about her parents and what she may have done between the ages of 11-16.

As a black woman:

-I remember that, from my perspective, my maternal grandfather was the smartest of the 3/4 grandparents I’d actually met (this does not mean that he was a good person.) He also had the highest education level of the four (he received a bachelors degree from a California school in Journalism or English - my maternal grandmother had her associates in accounting and my paternal grandparents never attended nor completed college.) His parents both did not have anything past a middle school education (if I remember correctly, his mother’s highest level was 5th grade and his father stopped at 7th to start working on a farm - back then in Mississippi, it seems that expectations in terms of education for black children were low) but I remember that m y maternal grandpa was a sharp man. It makes me wonder who else in the bloodline had that potential, the potential to attend college and succeed, if they’d been given the opportunity. I’m obviously not talking about actual education, but about *potential.* I had more recently met with a man who had worked closely with my grandfather and he was talking about how sharp my grandpa was, about how he truly understood radio, and he had seemed surprised when I told him that my grandpa had grown up poor with 7 siblings. I just wonder: what kind of potential did his parents both respectively have? Were there any grandparents, aunts, uncles of his who had similar academic potential and were just never given the opportunity to meet it?

-We know that schizophrenia is in the bloodline, because my older brother has it and my mother seems to have either psychosis or late onset. When I think back to the way I remember my maternal grandmother having been - very religious, and according to my mother made voodoo dolls of people she disliked and thought she could do magic (I remember her trying to practice multiple religions) it makes me think that someone within her bloodline was schizophrenic, as though I don’t think grandma would have met the criteria for a formal diagnosis in the way my mother may at this stage of her life, what I just described sounds pretty close to it, yes? From what I’ve heard about maternal grandma’s parents it doesn’t sound like either of them struggled with it, but I have a strong suspicion that one of my maternal grandma’s family members did. My maternal grandpa was also known to have paranoid tendencies when he struggled with addiction issues, so I wonder if it was somewhere in his bloodline. I just wonder if during slavery one of my distant ancestors was dealing with schizophrenia. I also believe, even though he was never formally diagnosed, that my father is schizoaffective. We know a paternal aunt has it and when I looked into my cousins’ social media pages I thought one of them on my mom’s side seemed to have it or something like it (one of her first cousins) so we know it’s around, but I just wonder how far back we may be able to trace it if I really asked around.

I’ve heard stories about certain sets of great grandparents, and I remember what 3/4 of my grandparents were like. If I do ever become a mother, I wouldn’t be surprised if I noticed slight similarities between my child and one of my grandparents (and I really shouldn’t be surprised if I notice similarities between my child and my parents. That seems to be common.)

When I’d posted pictures of my maternal grandmother here, people had seemed to notice that my maternal grandmother and I give off a similar “vibe”/make similar facial expressions even though we don’t look alike, which I thought was interesting. They seemed to presume I am more similar to grandma than my mother in terms of personality, which I realized when I thought about it is actually true to an extent.

I also have depression and anxiety, which I sense runs on both sides of the family (when I was talking to a 1st cousin once removed asking about my maternal grandpa’s parents and his side of the family, the cousin had mentioned that my maternal grandpa’s mother had a sister who he remembered just rended to break into crying fits and seemed to always be in tears whenever he saw her as a child. It sounds like she was deeply depressed. I started struggling with depression as a child, and I wonder who else in the bloodline dealt with it.

Tomorrow I will celebrate my 21st birthday. It is hard for me to believe that I am going to be that old (though I know that 21 is of course not actually “old.” Old to me right now would be someone who is in their mid-thirties and beyond,) and I suspect that I feel that way in part because of a developmental delay I may have experienced as a result of immense trauma in my youth. When I was newly 14, a family member had almost hit me with a tennis racket. I always knew that they intended to seriously harm me, but when I saw a therapist a few months later, I was intentional in not telling her about the fact that this family member had attempted to do this and about death threats they’d technically made towards me, in part out of a desire to protect them. I have watched my entire immediate family fall apart since I was 13-14, and have realized that even though I was quite happy - just a normal child who liked to play outside, basked in the sun, and adored Ramona Quimby - my immediate family members were not truly normal when I was a child (my brother was I suppose) and my parents were putting on… I almost typed an act, but that doesn’t quite feel right. Let’s say that they were, from my perspective, sincerely attempting to try and be normal out of care for me. I realized when I was 14 that none of them actually were, and was consequently quite depressed as a 9th grader as a result. I had developed a big crush, my most intense and serious crush, on a boy who ranked me a little below average that year as a result - and liked him for an entire year even though in hindsight he was far from being the boy who was kindest to me in high school - though this means nothing to me now, and I actually don’t know why I’m mentioning it. It took me longer to move on from him than ideal. In adulthood I’ve just never liked anyone to that same extent, and I’m not so sure that I ever will again. I had deep insecurity concerning my physical appearance when I was in high school, as in 9th grade I discovered during what was already a difficult time in my life that the majority of my peers had called me ugly behind my back when I was in middle school (though once again, as I am growing older, this is really becoming less and less relevant to me over time. I’ve been asked out by 4-5 of my Uber/Lyft drivers, one more recently was a man from Mexico who pursued me quite a bit, was asking me out for coffee and actually persistent about it. I’ve been approached before, but I’ve never had a man be so persistent about it. He was college educated too, a bachelors degree in Business Management. I initially said yes to his “do you want to date me” request because I somehow almost felt like saying no would be impolite, but after giving it further thought, I was honest with him and admitted that I don’t think I’m ready to be dating. I am not ready to be dating for a variety of reasons. I have an immensely dysfunctional immediate family who I resent, and I’ve come to regret coming to stay in a home with them. My mother is the person who got us kicked out of the apartment complex I grew up in in the first place, and she may have developed schizophrenia or perhaps psychosis over time. I am becoming agitated dealing with her and am still not sleeping well, though I also have mild sleep apnea (and am actually trying to get a CPAP because of it, when my doctor is back from her vacation. I’ll meet with her again in mid-April as we discussed and follow up with her about our plans.) It is fair to say that all of my immediate family members have lower empathy levels than average, and I sincerely would not be surprised with some of the things I’ve seen go on here if one of them has killed or seriously injured a person before and gotten away with it. I actually remember watching he chuckt and nightmare on elm street films on repeat in preschool on the DVD player in my parents’ bedroom as a child, but people said that I was very well behaved in childhood in spite of it.

I allow myself to look unkempt. I have my hair done professionally and have changed the colors more than once, but I don’t go out of my way to wear makeup even though I’ve bought it a few times before, and I shop for new clothes sometimes (dresses in particular, which are apparently my trademark) but don’t go out of my way to look presentable even though I could technically afford to.

The crush thing I mentioned above is almost kind of funny to me now that I’m older, in part because the guy who I liked the longest is now someone who I wouldn’t look at twice if I passed him by on the street, but also just absolutely, absolutely did not have as many positive qualities as I’d felt he did at the time. In fact, half the grade disliked him, though a lot of the grade in middle school didn’t like me (which is just another thing you really stop caring about as you grow older. I don’t even remember most of middle school anymore.)

I have a 3.93 in community college undergrad. I am hoping to have my associates in Child Development by Dec 2026, but it appears that it is possible one of the classes I’ll need to take will be closed, so I may not have it until May 27 - if I’m able to get it in Dec I’ll start my bachelors in Jan 2027 and if it’s not until May I’ll get it in Aug 2027. I have 4 more classes left for my associates and have passed 19 since I started community college. I will go to a California state university. I have mild sleep apnea, depression, and anxiety. I have $50.2k saved now and will be 21 in a few days, but I will have to start living on my own in a place that will likely be between $950-$1.5k a month, and I’ll see how that works out for me. I’ll also likely start paying for my own phone bill, and shopping for my own food. I admit that I have partly stayed with my parents for so long out of fear of… you know, a few months ago, I would have said that it was partly out of fear of being surrounded by potentially dangerous people, but I actually don’t think that’s true. Well, it is to an extent - I don’t want to move to an area with a lot of sketchy people (though this motel already has a lot of sketchy people) and certainly not one with a high crime rate, but I also feel like being in this motel and dealing with my mother’s persistent screaming and having to accept her overall pointless, stupid decisionmaking while dealing with a physical health concern (that’s actually quite common) has made me realize that I can probably “handle” more than I thought I could, if that makes sense. I feel like I already put up with a lot of nonsense. I’m an adult, and if someone tries to harm me in a dangerous area, I am probably more equipped than I used to think I was to handle this. Not something like a rape, but, well, I don’t know. I think that what I was actually really afraid of/not looking forward to was what I feel is almost… I wouldn’t say inevitable. Inevitable isn’t the right word at all. Just having less of a safety net, or really having no safety net financially is what I have always expected having to live independently would lead to eventually. I’m realizing that I will have to suck it up, budget and figure things out for myself, even though I don’t want to (probably party my depression talking.)

I have decided - though this plan may change - that I will go for my bachelors and then masters in social work. I have other options with the exception of nursing (nursing programs in my state are impacted. It’s competitive out here because nurses are paid so well, and in high school I wanted to be one badly but changed my mind due to emerophobia and just a realization that I don’t think I’m passionate about it. I wouldn’t want to be on my feet so often like that and to be expected to think and act so quickly on the job, I have poor reflexes and don’t think that it’s for me.) I also have an idea of what CSU’s I will apply to, though for one of the few I’m thinking of, it’s very hard to meet with a counselor from the school. I was thinking about going for psychology, but I just knew immediately when I read through the list of courses on the CSU websites that I’m not going to like it enough to keep it as my major if I do go for it. I had actually changed my community college major from psych to child development in summer 2025, but that was partly because I had taken more CHDev courses (I was a psych major but not \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*really\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* following the degree path. I was more focused at the time on working at the preschool I worked at shortly after graduating from high school, and saving money that way) and I knew that I’d get the associates in CHDev faster. As I’m growing older and older I’m starting to regret it, however. I suppose I shouldn’t regret it too much, because what I learned after meeting with a CSU (just think of it as university if you don’t know what that acronym stands for) counselor is that I can of course switch my major when I transfer (in undergrad at community college no counselor I met with ever even mentioned that. It probably would have saved me a lot of time if I’d known that,) and so I know that it probably isn’t such a good idea to get so fixated on what I end up majoring in (even if I decide later on after getting a bachelors in social work that I don’t want to do it, I could always get my masters in something different like special ed. There are options, and realizing this makes me feel good, actually. Makes me feel less boxed in. And even though I’ll have so many majors to pick from - but I know I don’t want anything math heavy, that was partly why I’d changed my mind about psychology, so probably not anything like accounting and absolutely nothing like statistics - I’m actually not overwhelmed by the thought. Social work is what I have decided on for now, and time will tell whether or not I’ll come to regret it. The numbers I was seeing in the comment section when I asked different locals what they are making with their masters in social work - $100k for multiple - sounded promising to me, so even though Redditors keep discouraging it in the comment section, saying you won’t make enough money with the degree, it’s what I’m currently planning on going for. Some part of me really does think that it’s not so much about the degree as it is about how you utilize what you learned during your time obtaining it.)

When I was a child, about 9, I was already dealing with depression. As an adult, I wonder if it may have partly been epigenetics.

I remember that when I was 9 out of the blue after the family temporarily stayed in a hotel, I’d found that I started to feel depressed. It was partly that I’d realized I’d one day have to be on my own. But as an adult I wonder if there was more to the story. My mom, even though she seemed so normal when I wass a child, got us kicked out of the apartment complex I grew up in and were actually in a hotel now that I’m almost 21 (I’m working on moving out myself.) my brother was in hindsight depressed when we were kids and he developed schizophrenia, started using drugs in high school. My mother, such a terrible person she is, was abused by both of my grandparents. My maternal grandma was sexually abused herself as a minor. And I’m already a black woman, as an adult I wonder how much of that depression and geelinng of wanting to harm myself at a young age came from genetics, in addition to my environment in childhood perhaps having nt actually been as great as I had wanted to believe it to be when I was a kid.

I’ve been thinking more lately about whether or not I actually sincerely want to have kids and marry, or if I have just always thought that I wanted to because it’s what you’re taught you’re supposed to do growing up as a woman. My parents, for example, had kids in part because they felt that they were supposed to. I don’t think that this is necessarily uncommon. But especially with this issue coming up, I’m thinking more about how even though it’d be nice to continue on my bloodline, I also want to make sure that I’m taking care of my body, and I know that I would probably not actually make for a good parent. I think back to certain mistakes I made when I was 18-19, and though I’m older now, I just know that I am the kind of person who would end up being a negligent parent without meaning to be (and it doesn’t help that my own parents were negligent.) When you have kids, there are a lot of scary things that can happen - to you as the woman and to the kids.

I am comfortable having/keeping 2009 people on a networking site. I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t like it, in a way. I know deep down inside that it doesn’t actually mean anything, but it makes me feel nice I suppose. Maybe I am image oriented in a way. I don’t want to do poorly, academically or in life. I do want to be successful even though I don’t always have the energy for it. I have been thinking more recently about how excited I am to sign up for more classes, and about what I want to switch my major to when I switch to a university (well, transfer. Though I have been doing a poor job of actually going ahead and researching the differing options - it’ll end up most likely being psychology or social work, but I know deep down inside that I should probably ask someone who has more expertise and am not even sure that a psychology or social work major is most suitable for me. I’ve never been able to figure out what is most suitable for me. I have been told I am receptive to feedback and good at following directions in addition to being a strong communicator, but I have just never found that one subject or topic that really piques my interest. I’m really not actually very inquisitive at all, and it’s partly why I’m not “smart” even though in middle school (and trust, as an adult I understand that nothing that happened in middle school matters now. I feel silly mentioning it really, was just a kid) I was apparently considered the smartest girl in my grade. I’ve just never had a strong idea of what my longterm goals are. However, now that I’m getting closer and closer day by day to the starting a bachelors degree phrase, I am realizing that maybe I do have a slightly better idea than I thought I did. It’s not just about hearing from others what I’m good at vs. what I may need to work on (I don’t like saying bad at. I prefer to try having a growth mindset when it comes to learning new things, but I also admit there are surely certain things some people are naturally better at than others, like certain sports.) For example, when I think about my family’s experience with a local housing authority wherein I felt like the communication of the case workers and the company’s organization was very poor in a time wherein we were already stressed and in need of support, I find myself feeling as though I’d perhaps like to try out being a case manager at some point and providing support to those who are experiencing housing insecurity. I have been in their shoes before. Other than the aforementioned nursing, psychology (which I’ve decided I don’t think I’d be into, in part because it seems very research oriented and I don’t think I’ll like that) I have actually considered becoming a substance use counselor before after seeing my brother struggle with it. This is once again something I’ve changed my mind about as I’ve grown older, in part because when I did go visit my brother in rehab programs, I was honestly - and this is the truth, though it may change as I develop more of an understanding of what often leads to drug abuse (I know trauma, genetics, etc. factor in, mental health struggles of course) - afraid of some of the people I met there. This may not be unfair, because some of them had been to jail which my brother has mentioned, and had done things I can’t envision myself ever doing. I was actually not afraid a few months ago when I was approached by a man who had been to jail before for a domestic violence incident and wanted a child with me badly, and asked him why he reached out to me even though he’d called me the b word over text some months ago because I was curious about it. I used to struggle more with communication, but have worked on this as I’ve grown older. It just makes life easier if you aren’t assuming things about a person’s mindset or asking others to pick their brain. I asked them why they had done something, and he may or may not have been honest, but I think you just need to try and gain the other person’s perspective.

I do have diagnosed depression and anxiety. I was actually set to start seeing a new therapist immediately after high school (saw one for a few years in high school and admit in hindsight that I did not take the therapy as “seriously” as ideal, in the sense of really using it as a space for personal growth (I probably used it as more of a space to vent about the personal problems I was having. I was introspective enough to know even at the time that I was not actually “taking it seriously” and wanted to rant about issues with my peers and family. I also knew at 18 that I was likely still not going to immediately go in there and really use it to grow as a person - I was also just busy with other life things, and not prioritizing my mental health. I have thought about going in for therapy again as I have started to realize the value of ensuring that you have enough time and energy to hone in on different things that will prove important to your overall growth, but I also have just realized that everything that’s been happening with the family is actually a lot more to take in than I’d wanted to accept, and it may be beneficial. I think it’s silly that there’s such a stigma around seeing therapists, because in life there are so many abnormal, traumatic things that happen to a lot of different people in the world, and I think that it’s ideal to have a space to discuss your problems without the judgement the average person may lay onto you for trying.

I used to talk frequently in middle school about my desire to attend an “accredited” college (one that had a good reputation, low acceptance rate, was never one of those students who was looking to get into an Ivy though.) I was concerned about academic success from an early age - when I was 9, I was in the “average” math class and at risk of being moved into the lower one. My former childhood best friend was in the “advanced” math class. In spite of my depression (and interestingly enough, I remember that I actually recognized I was displaying symptoms of depression after a temporary stay at a hotel wherein it occurred to me when I was thinking about one day having to move and be on my own that I was eventually going to die, as were my family members. I changed afterwards and would say I developed depression,) I had studied my way into the advanced math class. I remained in advanced math in middle school even though I wasn’t great at it in 7th-8th grade (and I know that this is true when I reflect in spite of my reputation for being “smart” - I was a TA for the math teacher and she was a black woman who I feel liked me and wanted to mentor me,) and was still in advanced math throughout high school, but I chose to drop Pre Calculus as a junior because I thought at the time that I wanted to become a nurse and knew that I wasn’t willing to work harder for the class (I knew nursing would require statistics, and I have taken a stats class an adult in college, but was intentional about taking the support course to decrease my likeliness of failing. Part of my issue is that I took algebra 2 over quarantine, and even though my grades remained strong over quarantine, it was harder to focus that year due to the change and I don’t think I’d remember as much of algebra 2 consequently as I may algebra 1 or geometry.) I was actually trying to work on my math learning gaps when I was 10 and 11 (I was briefly moved into a lower middle class - the average one - by my 6th grade science teacher who had also introduced us to the twilight zone which is a show I’ve ended up loving for nearly a decade, but was bumped up again by 7th. I remember how big of a hit being moved down was to my self esteem at the time. It was something I’d cried about, because I used to put a lot into my academic success. At 9, even though no one had said it yet - they wouldn’t say it until I hit middle school - I knew that I was not “pretty”, I even felt I was “ugly” like they’d come to say in middle school - I decided I needed to focus on academics because as a poor black girl who was not “pretty” I realized that I was going to have to work harder if I wanted to advance in life.

I do recall that my shift in my way of thinking at 9, wherein I started studying and came to care about being in the advanced math class/not being perceived as “dumb” (but as an adult I understand that you can’t really control what other people think of you. I also understand, unlike my mother who truly thinks she knows more than the average doctor, that I’m not “smart” in part because I don’t care to research things, am not actually very curious these days, and am starting to feel like I have made very shortsighted impulsive decisions in the past,) that it was partly a matter of wanting to feel like I was somebody, if that makes sense. After looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that I wasn’t “pretty” (and I do recognize that I had partly felt that way because I am not white. I grew up in an area with a really low black population, so it makes sense that I was thinking like that/feeling that way,) and also recognizing that I was not the popular type nor a teacher’s pet (though in middle school I was certainly a teacher’s pet, and after my 4th grade transformation I started to become one,) I just wanted to make sure that I was good at something. I didn’t want to feel worthless, I didn’t want to be a disappointment. That’s also why I could never be comfortable with an entire row of C’s, even as an adult - in high school, I had a peer who had a 2.8 in sophomore year, even with all of my mental health troubles I’d have never been okay with letting my grades go down that much. Even a 3.2 would make me feel weird.

I had also been jealous that year (4th grade) of a girl in my grade who was indeed a teachers pet, and remember knowing heading into fifth grade that I wanted to be one of the class leaders like her - looked up to by the younger kids (though I don’t think I’ve ever sincerely had leadership qualities, which is okay. Some people have those more naturally. Most of us have, I believe, different skills and qualities that are important in different ways.)

In spite of my obsession with getting into a well ranked school as a middle schooler and 9th grader, I am actually very comfortable with the fact that I will likely just end up attending a California state university with a high acceptance rate. Sure, there are things that are beneficial about attending those high ranked universities - sometimes they have better professors, there are probably more networking opportunities in ways I may not recognize especially at Ivy leagues, etc. But I am comfortable with where I’ll be ending up, even though I’d just like to get the education taken care of sooner than later. As an adult you realize that a lot of people never really even get that associates degree/get caught up in life, and that a degree is a degree, no matter where you get it from, in addition to the fact that there are just so many different paths you can take as an adult that I really didn’t know about when younger.

I did not immediately move away from my volatile family members and cut them off in spite of the fact that some people… well, would have. I mean, I have seen since we got to the hotel two of my immediate family members physically fight one another. This doesn’t happen within most families. I have engaged in arguments with my mother and brother, and know that I have taken on an intense energy in the past when I was feeling very angry, yelling at others in moments wherein it may not have been appropriate (particularly those who I suppose did not have power over me, even though this was not intentional.)

I have actually defended the family member who nearly hit me with a tennis racket a few times when other things have come up, though I won’t specify which it was, in part because over time I found myself feeling as though I was responsible to an extent for the predicament they ended up in even though as an adult I am starting to understand that that really doesn’t make any sense at all, given that I’ve always been younger than them. I also sometimes argue with this family member so it depends. But as I’ve grown older I’ve mostly just aimed to block out the tennis racket memory and continue on with life as normal. I do think that over quarantine at fifteen, I had started to struggle with my sleeping schedule in part due to this.

I also have developed a bad habit of getting into the bed quite late, which I recognize is partly my fault. When I was in middle school through ninth grade I was more disciplined, a lot more disciplined actually, in terms of my sleep hygiene/habits.

I suspect that if I am to become a parent, I will be negligent. I sincerely believe that most people aren’t “good parents” but I don’t think that this is an excuse to put in minimum effort if you have a child. I don’t think I’d put in minimum effort, but moreso that due in part to my own life experiences I’d probably let certain things slide or pass which isn’t ideal. I know that having a kid right now would especially be a bad idea. I believe that I will probably never actually be ready to have one, but right now not even fully knowing how to take care of myself, it’d be a nightmare waiting to happen.

If you ask me \\\*why\\\* I want to earn a bachelors degree (and then ideally masters afterwards. I know it’d likely be wise to keep an open mind concerning what I end up majoring in,) it’s in part because I think that furthering my education will provide me with more of a safety net in the longterm. However, it’s also partly about… I almost wrote prestige, but that’s not the right word - image is, in a sense. If I have a 3.93 in community college, it means that I am capable of obtaining a bachelors degree (though I know that if I just stop at a bachelors in social work, it’ll be a challenge to move up the income bracket.) It’s hard to explain, it’s not so much about me feeling like it’s make me smarter as it is about feeling like I should do what I feel I am capable of. Those who are more educated than you will look down on you, and people will look down on you for any reason, but I want to be able to say, “Hey. A lot of people didn’t treat me well in my youth, and sure some of them have changed with time, but I’m not going to give into what a lot of them want or wanted and let myself fail my classes.” It also just never hurts in general to gain more knowledge and further your education as schools will always have resources for you.

I think that most people inherently don’t have good morals, but I have also come to believe as I’ve grown older that people aren’t as bad as I thought they were in my youth. I’ve met good people, I’ve met bad people, and I’ve met plenty of people who were somewhere in between. We also change as we progress through life. I did things when I was younger that may have made you feel I was a bad person. This doesn’t mean that I lack empathy for other people, or that I haven’t bettered myself in some ways as I’ve grown older.

Concerning romantic love, I was obsessed with finding it in high school, but as an adult I don’t care as much. I’ve hit a stage as of late wherein I am happy about the fact that I am getting closer to starting a bachelors degree program, and that something in my life is actually really moving forward.

I write like this: “thanks for answering my inquiry. Have a good night” and “The last thing I will say here is that actions have consequences in the longterm. Going to prison isn’t anyone’s fault but your own. You mentioned when you first met me that you have a domestic violence charge. Hitting a woman is a choice” and “I can provide resources for therapy/therapists if you need someone to talk to. That is what I can do here” and “Hi! I have a lawyer who I may be able to connect you with. Would you be open to sharing more with me about the apartment/renting issue so I can pass it by him and see if he can provide support?” And “Thank you!! I definitely need to increase my water intake! I’m happy to hear that you’ve been well! I hope you’ve been having fun with the little one/that he is in good health!”

I have made more money over time, in general. I am at $26/hr, the highest amount I’ve ever made, at a company I am not contracted for consistently, and have made $5-$6/hr more than what I made at my first job when I left (I had switched into working with my last company when the parent at the job whose kiddo I’d worked with gave me a strong recommendation. They knew I wanted to make more money. I moved from $17/hr to $19/hr when I advocated for myself, but I always knew that it was possible for me to make more.) I wouldn’t go for anything under $24/hr now, but my range is between $24-$28/hr right now. As I further my education, that amount will increase.

At my first job out of high school, I was focused on having fun and did tend to request feedback. I wasn’t “great” at that first job but in hindsight I really don’t think that this is important. I was very young and my focus was on having fun with the kids. I do know, in general however, that I don’t want to become a preschool teacher, even though I could see myself working with elementary schoolers (a counselor had asked me if I would want a K-3 teaching credential down the line, the answer is really that I could see myself getting one, but wouldn’t necessarily describe it as a “goal” of mine. Just something I’d be open to.

I had stayed in the only romantic relationship I have technically ever really been in for longer than ideal in spite of the fact that he disrespected the rules I’d set more than once, in part because I’d already had us go public with it (I wanted my peers to know that it was possible for me to get a boyfriend. Writing this as I near 21 I feel stupid because even though I so badly wanted a boyfriend I in the midst of my body dysmorphia from ages 15-16, I recognize now that I’m a little older that focusing on dating in high school would have been a mistake that likely would’ve done nothing more than increase my chances of a teen pregnancy. I actually made sure we never slept together because I knew I didn’t want to deal with a pregnancy, and he wasn’t the type in hindsight who would have been really careful about it, there were a few comments he’d made that let me know he wouldn’t have been.) I’ve actually had far more dating opportunities as an adult, but I have just never went for them. I don’t think I can be in a successful relationship until I’m happier with myself and feel like I understand more about life. This isn’t the time yet. I may feel more prepared in a few years.

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