i'd like to change my piercing for the first time since there's an event i'm going to, but i'm worried i'll accidentally ruin it. there hasn't been any irritation since the first week, and the swelling went down within a couple days, if that means anything. i know people say you can change it between 6 and 8 weeks, i just want to be completely sure.
i think this is what i was feeling prevously, and i’ve realised what it was and is (claustrophobia). i am disgusted by my own body and hate my appearance, but i also despise the way i’m living. i actually do want to get better, i just know it’s not possible, surely. i feel physically ill currently. i don’t know how to properly convey whatever this is.
i can’t actually ask for help in real life. i’m on a waiting list for a mental health service, but is it even worth it when i can’t fucking tell them anything?
i have no appetite. i can barely eat, and i can’t put my own meals together (except breakfast, because i‘ve been eating the same cereal every morning for years).
i am stuck. i have the urge to basically mutilate myself because of how ill my body makes me feel. i can’t live like this. i don‘t actually want to die though, i’ve realised. it’s just that i can’t fix my life at this point, i don‘t have any other options other than suffering for the rest of it.
and, as always, i feel very alone. i am dependent in other people. when i don’t have anyone to think about and wait for all the time, i don’t have a purpose. which i fucking hate to write, it sounds weird and fictional or whatever, but without anyone else (and not just a friend, someone i’m basically obsessed with, though that creates other problems), i don’t know what to do. i have nothing to do. i’m so bored and unmotivated.
in conclusion (i’m gonna fail my exams), i need help but i can’t help myself out, so i’ll just stay like this for the rest of my life i guess. and a bonus, i’ve been very, very fearful recently, especially after the incident earlier. awesome.