u/Cpt_James_Holden

I [34F] am still in the process of getting in to rehab. I started communicating with HR weeks ago, and finally finished submitted my request for medical paid leave. With a name change and numerous changes in my address and employment records, it was a whole ordeal. I had to get that submitted before starting treatment because the deadline expires while I'll be in there. And now I'm nervous if I go in before it's fully approved, I might not be available to respond to any issues that require me to take action.

But I really need to get into treatment. I’ve been floundering. I had a beautiful year being clean & sober, but I’ve been relapsing horribly. It's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm seeing myself deteriorate rapidly, falling back into the most self-destructive behaviors I thought I left behind.

I can see myself spiraling, and it's partly because I don't have a therapist anymore. When I started relapsing, my therapist dropped me as a client without warning. I’d been seeing them twice weekly—until one day I came in for a session and they told me I needed a “higher level of care” so therefore they could no longer see me. In leaving, they emailed me a random list of names for counselors and clinics—absolutely none of which take my insurance. They just googled “substance abuse counselors” and sent me their names, without context or even a url. I had to google them myself. I understand if substance abuse is not in their skillset, and it’s fair if they don’t feel qualified to provide the proper level of care, but I have really struggled with the way they went about it. Completely without warning. Immediate and sudden. Devoid of any actual help to even access the level of care they were telling me I needed. I felt abandoned, unsupported, totally overwhelmed. My actions are not their fault, but that’s when I really spiraling.

Everything feels so overwhelming now, and I feel totally out of control.

I’m trying to make it stop. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, so disappointed with where I’m at right now. I reached for help from the rest of my support system, and felt like I was admitting I wasn’t who they thought I was. I felt like I was somehow betraying them, by telling them what was happening…But I’ve been met with nothing but endless love and compassion. I’ve been struggling to get myself to rehab, and they’re offering so much support in getting me to treatment. Emotional support, logistical support, mental support. Everyone all of a sudden has time for me, filled with care and heartfelt concern. It feels so healing, it made me break down in tears. I’ve never felt loved like this before.

And I feel like I’m failing that love by not being in treatment yet. I’ve made progress though. I got the paid leave submitted. I made dozens of phone calls untilI found two residential treatment centers which take my insurance—one offered me a bed for detox and the other offered me an in-person screening for their residential program tomorrow morning. Today I reserved and paid for a storage unit, so I do have a place to put my stuff while I’m in treatment, because I’m not returning to my apartment, so I just need to wait until my friends with cars can help me transport it…

But I’m really, really struggling. My intermittent relapse has turned into a constant lack of sobriety and it’s killing me. I feel broken and untrustworthy. I can’t take care of simple tasks. I can’t think or even feel, and I’m really, really scared.

I [34F] am still in the process of getting in to rehab. I started communicating with HR weeks ago, and finally finished submitted my request for medical paid leave. With a name change and numerous changes in my address and employment records, it was a whole ordeal. I had to get that submitted before starting treatment because the deadline expires while I'll be in there. And now I'm nervous if I go in before it's fully approved, I might not be available to respond to any issues that require me to take action.

But I really need to get into treatment. I’ve been floundering. I had a beautiful year being clean & sober, but I’ve been relapsing horribly. It's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm seeing myself deteriorate rapidly, falling back into the most self-destructive behaviors I thought I left behind.

I can see myself spiraling, and it's partly because I don't have a therapist anymore. When I started relapsing, my therapist dropped me as a client without warning. I’d been seeing them twice weekly—until one day I came in for a session and they told me I needed a “higher level of care” so therefore they could no longer see me. In leaving, they emailed me a random list of names for counselors and clinics—absolutely none of which take my insurance. They just googled “substance abuse counselors” and sent me their names, without context or even a url. I had to google them myself. I understand if substance abuse is not in their skillset, and it’s fair if they don’t feel qualified to provide the proper level of care, but I have really struggled with the way they went about it. Completely without warning. Immediate and sudden. Devoid of any actual help to even access the level of care they were telling me I needed. I felt abandoned, unsupported, totally overwhelmed. My actions are not their fault, but that’s when I really spiraling.

Everything feels so overwhelming now, and I feel totally out of control.

I’m trying to make it stop. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, so disappointed with where I’m at right now. I reached for help from the rest of my support system, and felt like I was admitting I wasn’t who they thought I was. I felt like I was somehow betraying them, by telling them what was happening…But I’ve been met with nothing but endless love and compassion. I’ve been struggling to get myself to rehab, and they’re offering so much support in getting me to treatment. Emotional support, logistical support, mental support. Everyone all of a sudden has time for me, filled with care and heartfelt concern. It feels so healing, it made me break down in tears. I’ve never felt loved like this before.

And I feel like I’m failing that love by not being in treatment yet. I’ve made progress though. I got the paid leave submitted. I made dozens of phone calls untilI found two residential treatment centers which take my insurance—one offered me a bed for detox and the other offered me an in-person screening for their residential program tomorrow morning. Today I reserved and paid for a storage unit, so I do have a place to put my stuff while I’m in treatment, because I’m not returning to my apartment, so I just need to wait until my friends with cars can help me transport it…

But I’m really, really struggling. My intermittent relapse has turned into a constant lack of sobriety and it’s killing me. I feel broken and untrustworthy. I can’t take care of simple tasks. I can’t think or even feel, and I’m really, really scared.

I am still in the process of getting in to rehab. I started communicating with HR weeks ago, and finally finished submitted my request for medical paid leave. With a name change and numerous changes in my address and employment records, it was a whole ordeal. I had to get that submitted before starting treatment because the deadline expires while I'll be in there. And now I'm nervous if I go in before it's fully approved, I might not be available to respond to any issues that require me to take action.

But I really need to get into treatment. I’ve been floundering. I had a beautiful year being clean & sober, but I’ve been relapsing horribly. It's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm seeing myself deteriorate rapidly, falling back into the most self-destructive behaviors I thought I left behind.

I can see myself spiraling, and it's partly because I don't have a therapist anymore. When I started relapsing, my therapist dropped me as a client without warning. I’d been seeing them twice weekly—until one day I came in for a session and they told me I needed a “higher level of care” so therefore they could no longer see me. In leaving, they emailed me a random list of names for counselors and clinics—absolutely none of which take my insurance. They just googled “substance abuse counselors” and sent me their names, without context or even a url. I had to google them myself. I understand if substance abuse is not in their skillset, and it’s fair if they don’t feel qualified to provide the proper level of care, but I have really struggled with the way they went about it. Completely without warning. Immediate and sudden. Devoid of any actual help to even access the level of care they were telling me I needed. I felt abandoned, unsupported, totally overwhelmed. My actions are not their fault, but that’s when I really spiraling.

Everything feels so overwhelming now, and I feel totally out of control.

I’m trying to make it stop. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, so disappointed with where I’m at right now. I reached for help from the rest of my support system, and felt like I was admitting I wasn’t who they thought I was. I felt like I was somehow betraying them, by telling them what was happening…But I’ve been met with nothing but endless love and compassion. I’ve been struggling to get myself to rehab, and they’re offering so much support in getting me to treatment. Emotional support, logistical support, mental support. Everyone all of a sudden has time for me, filled with care and heartfelt concern. It feels so healing, it made me break down in tears. I’ve never felt loved like this before.

And I feel like I’m failing that love by not being in treatment yet. I’ve made progress though. I got the paid leave submitted. I made dozens of phone calls untilI found two residential treatment centers which take my insurance—one offered me a bed for detox and the other offered me an in-person screening for their residential program tomorrow morning. Today I reserved and paid for a storage unit, so I do have a place to put my stuff while I’m in treatment, because I’m not returning to my apartment, so I just need to wait until my friends with cars can help me transport it…

But I’m really, really struggling. My intermittent relapse has turned into a constant lack of sobriety and it’s killing me. I feel broken and untrustworthy. I can’t take care of simple tasks. I can’t think or even feel, and I’m really, really scared.

I am still in the process of getting in to rehab. I started communicating with HR weeks ago, and finally finished submitted my request for medical paid leave with the state. With a name change and numerous changes in my address and employment records, it was a whole ordeal. I had to get that submitted before starting treatment because the deadline expires while I'll be in there. And now I'm nervous if I go in before it's fully approved, I might not be available to respond to any issues that require me to take action. 

But I really need to get into treatment. I’ve been floundering. I had a beautiful year being clean & sober, but I’ve been relapsing horribly. It's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm seeing myself deteriorate rapidly, falling back into the most self-destructive behaviors I thought I left behind. 

I can see myself spiraling, and it's partly because I don't have a therapist anymore. When I started relapsing, my therapist dropped me as a client without warning. I’d been seeing them twice weekly—until one day I came in for a session and they told me I needed a “higher level of care” so therefore they could no longer see me. In leaving, they emailed me a random list of names for counselors and clinics—absolutely none of which take my insurance. They just googled “substance abuse counselors” and sent me their names, without context or even a url. I had to google them myself. I understand if substance abuse is not in their skillset, and it’s fair if they don’t feel qualified to provide the proper level of care, but I have really struggled with the way they went about it. Completely without warning. Immediate and sudden. Devoid of any actual help to even access the level of care they were telling me I needed. I felt abandoned, unsupported, totally overwhelmed. My actions are not their fault, but that’s when I really spiraling.

Everything feels so overwhelming now, and I feel totally out of control.

I’m trying to make it stop. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, so disappointed with where I’m at right now. I reached for help from the rest of my support system, and felt like I was admitting I wasn’t who they thought I was. I felt like I was somehow betraying them, by telling them what was happening…But I’ve been met with nothing but endless love and compassion. I’ve been struggling to get myself to rehab, and they’re offering so much support in getting me to treatment. Emotional support, logistical support, mental support. Everyone all of a sudden has time for me, filled with care and heartfelt concern. It feels so healing, it made me break down in tears. I’ve never felt loved like this before.

And I feel like I’m failing that love by not being in treatment yet. I’ve made progress though. I got the paid leave submitted. I made dozens of phone calls untilI found two residential treatment centers which take my insurance—one offered me a bed for detox and the other offered me an in-person screening for their residential program tomorrow morning. Today I reserved and paid for a storage unit, so I do have a place to put my stuff while I’m in treatment, because I’m not returning to my apartment, so I just need to wait until my friends with cars can help me transport it.

But I’m really, really struggling. My intermittent relapse has turned into a constant lack of sobriety and it’s killing me. I feel broken and untrustworthy. I can’t take care of simple tasks. I can barely leave the house. I can’t think or even feel, and I’m really, really scared.

I (34F) got clean in early 2025 after things got really, really bad. I detoxed on my own, went to AA, got a sponsor, moved into sober housing, and fostered solid recovery community. I built toward a life of peace and satisfaction I never knew was possible. I was admitted to a grad school program that starts this fall, and I worked hard for it. Even with the struggle, for the past year I had been happily sober.

But a few weeks ago I started relapsing. Badly. Even though I have a year of quality recovery experience, I've been deteriorating rapidly. I have absolutely no control. I'm spiraling toward destruction and death.
Everything feels overwhelming. My addictions are crippling my ability to function. I am beginning to fear I soon won't even be able to function well enough to navigate myself to rehab.

I'm trying. I gave notice to my work and they accepted my notice of leave pending approval of state-funded leave. It's taken weeks, but I finally gathered all the necessary information and legal documents required to submit my application for that leave. I finally have everything I need, and I'm supposed to talk with the medical leave office on Monday. I've been calling every rehab center in my city to see if they take my insurance and finally found at least one treatment center that has a bed for me, if I can get there fast enough. Yesterday I wrote down the list of everything else I need to do to start treatment.

But today I've been struggling to accomplish anything. I'm aware of all the logistics to work through, and yet I feel incapable of accomplishing any meaningful task. I am numb. I am not thinking clearly. But I need to get to rehab as soon as possible, and I'm beginning to get scared.

I (34F) got clean in early 2025 after things got really, really bad. I detoxed on my own, went to AA, got a sponsor, moved into sober housing, and fostered solid recovery community. I built toward a life of peace and satisfaction I never knew was possible. I was admitted to a grad school program that starts this fall, and I worked hard for it. Even with the struggle, for the past year I had been happily sober.

But a few weeks ago I started relapsing. Badly. Even though I have a year of quality recovery experience, I've been deteriorating rapidly. I have absolutely no control. I'm spiraling toward destruction and death.
Everything feels overwhelming. My addictions are crippling my ability to function. I am beginning to fear I soon won't even be able to function well enough to navigate myself to rehab.

I'm trying. I gave notice to my work and they accepted my notice of leave pending approval of state-funded leave. It's taken weeks, but I finally gathered all the necessary information and legal documents required to submit my application for that leave. I finally have everything I need, and I'm supposed to talk with the medical leave office on Monday. I've been calling every rehab center in my city to see if they take my insurance and finally found at least one treatment center that has a bed for me, if I can get there fast enough. Yesterday I wrote down the list of everything else I need to do to start treatment.

But today I've been struggling to accomplish anything. I'm aware of all the logistics to work through, and yet I feel incapable of accomplishing any meaningful task. I am numb. I am not thinking clearly. But I need to get to rehab as soon as possible, and I'm beginning to get scared.