u/Cosmicfaedoll

I remember about 6 months after what I consider the beginning of my awakening, I was institutionalized and went to sleep one night and was told by what I believed to be a guide, that I could leave now. After I decided I would, I felt my soul gently being lifted out of my body.

Now this was different than anything I had ever experienced. I have astral projected since I was a young child, I often think I learned this when I was in The GATE program, but I’m not completely sure, and have had out of body experiences on psychedelics and sober in bouts of what is called psychosis, as well as having many near death experiences since I’ve been playing with death since I was very young and my last real brush with death forever changed my mobility and way of living only a year prior to my awakening.

This was different. It felt different. And I remember being lifted out of my body and then a man was taking me up elevators and escalators and many many flights of stairs, to which I was led to a door and he told me I would go inside that door and then would be on my next mission because I had done enough on earth to be able to leave.

I remember this almost felt like a lucid dream but I didn’t have complete control, I was in control but everything was also like I was on autopilot. And I remember I got very sad. This man looked at me and asked me if I was sad and when I confirmed it and he asked me why, I said I didn’t want to leave without my other half, and that was when I was informed that I could stay and help him because he was further behind than I was and he did not know if he would meet me or not, but if I chose to go back and help, I would be very likely to not receive this offer again. And I chose to stay. and the next day my guides told me that I would have more protection, more support, and less lessons to learn and more to teach since I stayed. That I was going to be focusing on building and stabilizing my physical and material life now.

Now I was very skeptical of things of this nature prior to my universally forced awakening, so I told myself I probably just had an odd dream and was hearing voices in my head again. But when I got out of the hospital and was given my phone back I had messages on many different platforms from many different individuals in my life all from the day after I had what my ego and cognitive dissonance from it, convinced myself was a dream, that all had the same kind of energy to them. Some were messages that this person had a dream of me saying goodbye. Some woke up panicking thinking I was dead. Some just really really needed to know if I was okay. But all felt a shift the night before related to my presence on earth. That was when I started to question if this was a real experience I had had and if I truly chose to stay and help my other half with their mission on this planet. One of these people that felt this shift was even my highly skeptical mother.

Shortly after this, I started my saturn return and when I was nearing the end I met who I now believe is that other half I was told to find and help and I’m back to living with my mother to heal and forgive the source of my deepest earthly wounds in this lifetime and possibly others, and I’ve traversed the last few years feeling almost as if I’m a completely different person and all that I was told I would be doing has been coming true bit by bit. All the downloads I got after this that told me what I and the collective would be experiencing have come to fruition. Everything is starting to make sense on a soul level while the world proceeds to get stranger and stranger as more and more darkness is brought out of the shadows to the light where we have to confront and challenge it. But I find myself struggling to live amongst those still asleep sometimes even though it is becoming easier and easier to use my solar body to navigate the 3D world and the limitations and illusions it has set.

Over the last three years or so I went through a bout of 14 hour sleep paralysis followed by a psychic unraveling and to call this a spiritual awakening seems too minimal of a word but I don’t know the proper language to explain what happened to me.

Since then, I have gone through ego death after ego death and have started to see the inner workings of everything and how it’s all connected. To the point that what we perceive as abusive often just seems like a label our ego creates. Now this isn’t to say that I am at all excusing abuse, but rather that I see the pain in all parties and how it mixes and creates what we perceive as abusive. When someone is preyed upon and harmed there is no human excuse for that and the human responsible should be held accountable, but I still wonder if we are all just pushing on different wounds and we are abusing or claiming abuse based on these trigger points. Because what I perceive as abusive isn’t always what others might. Often, I am not hurt by something the way others are but am then hurt by things that others do not find harmful. As much as we as a society often act like abuse is just this cut and dry thing, there are triggers that people have that seem trivial to others and there are responses and reactions others have that seem extreme to some but others do not see them in such way. A lot of abusive behaviors seem to be more subconscious than anything else and we should acknowledge and take accountability when we know we have harmed someone, but I also feel like the term abusive is thrown around and weaponized a lot and it’s not all equal in impact or weight.

These experiences I have had that have brought me to such conclusions, have made me feel isolated because the ego likes black and white perspectives as they give us an illusion of control over what happens to us, but the more I go through this journey, the more I recognize that we have very little control over our lives and the lessons we have to learn and teach.

My partner and I have been together for about 9 months now and I won’t deny that he has some toxic traits, but I’m recognizing just how my behaviors could be seen as abusive.

I’ve been through over 2 decades of therapy in my life and I’m extremely self aware but even that doesn’t put me in full remission and so I split on him a lot. and honestly, if it was just him I would blame him. But it’s not, I split on pretty much everyone I get close to. I went through horrific levels of abuse as a child and I developed not only BPD from it but DID.

I have been spending the last few years integrating my system and even got the green light from multiple psychological professionals to stop going to therapy because I could understand and solve my own problems and process my trauma faster than I would even get to my next appointment, and the last year and a half without therapy has been an incredible time of healing so I know they were right to do that. I even fused completely in the last few months and wonder if I would even be classified as having DID anymore.

This experience of fusing and essentially only being one full person for the first time ever, has made me more calm and given me more control, but it’s also made me more overwhelmed and feeling more raw so although I can handle things better I’m also constantly overstimulated, tired, and anxious because I feel like my BPD is in overdrive now. And although individually I’m doing my best psychologically and emotionally, my family, friends, and my partner all have their own trauma responses that trigger me and I may be getting better more and more everyday, but I still lash out and can get really mean and in extreme scenarios even threaten, slander, and cut people out. I’ve always done this and it’s not only one person when I’m splitting really badly.

Everyone I love is being as understanding as they can, but I can’t help but feel guilty that they have to love me through all of these ups and downs. I know it’s not my fault, it’s just extreme responses to the mass of horrific things most people could not even imagine living through in such excess, but I don’t like being like this.

I try to remind myself that I can’t heal wounds I don’t face, but I also don't think it’s fair that to heal, people who love me, especially my partner because he’s my safe place and my favorite person, have to endure extreme responses that are not at all equivalent to what they did to trigger me.

Every close person in my life says they have noticed that I am truly getting better and better everyday and my episodes are getting less and less frequent and severe, but I still can’t help but feel like it’s unfair that anyone has to experience this from me at all.

I guess I’m just wondering if I’m an abusive person or not because some of the things I do are definitely what could be classified as abusive..