u/CopyMiserable8449

Ok so this a lot I will be divulging. I will try my best to keep it brief and not ramble and just give fundamental ideas to the situations. Feel free to ask questions and if I’m comfortable I will answer. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. I (white 24m), her (biracial 22f) have dealt with a lot. On my end, I had codependency from my mother along with bigoted ideas. The main issue with her was the codependency and getting agitated when maybe I was paying more attention to my girlfriend or what have you. Again that’s a very bullet pointed version, I feel it’s a bit more nuanced and complex than that but that’s what I lll say for now. My father from the jump had an issue with me being with someone of color. Put it this way, “I don’t know or think that if you had kids with her that I could love them”. Very very heavy thing. So that’s a short version as well with a lot of other complexities. Then about a year and half ago my girlfriend was kicked out of her mother’s. She has no extended family to lean on either. I felt around that time the attitude towards her in my household was starting to die down. She felt that too but definitely not as much as I. (Long story short I was wrong). Obviously once things with her mother transpired it would have been nice had her boyfriend’s family (my family) just taken her in. That’s not what happened. For 8 months I had been sneaking her in and out of my grandmothers empty apartment (she splits her time in my state and another), and ultimately then for 6 out of those 8, I had actually been having her live at my house. My mom was in on it, as well as my siblings. I don’t know if my dad pretended to not know but as far as I know, he didn’t know. Then my girl lost her job. She was in the house all day with my mother for about a week while I would be at work (at the time I actually worked for my dad). One day my brother (13 at the time) was screaming racial slurs while playing a video game. My brother alleges that it was his friend and not him but idk. My girlfriend then went to his room, had a brief respectful discussion with them and why they don’t belong talking like that. My mother essentially lost it. Saying how he can speak however he wants in his own home. I’ll add that my family genuinely believes they are not racists, or bigoted at the least. This then resulted in my mother telling my father what had been going on (my girlfriend practically living with us). Then moving forward I was no longer allowed to even have her at the house to hangout out, watch a movie, you know, normal relationship stuff. Obviously the reason being from my father that I/we lied to him and had someone living in his house that he had no idea about, and because she tried to reprimand my brother. Tried claiming we could have asked him, but that was never going to be possible with things I’ve left out in this post. The bottom line is it that due to his dislike for her, the option of asking to have her live with us was not an option. It was said as a way to diffuse and make it like his dislike and her race wasn’t an issue. Maybe it was all 3. I mean how would anyone feel if someone was secretly living in your house that you did not give the okay on? That was May of last year. The summer then consisted of us sleeping in my car together, a short stint of her living with a friend, was able to get her room back at her abusive mothers for about a month and half. We then attempted to do a cross country move. That didn’t work. Had to go back to the state we tried leaving, her mom kicked her out again, and then we were back to sleeping in and out of my car and me sneaking her into my grandma’s apartment. Come December, my cars engine drops, my grandma is coming here for the holidays. We break up, get back together. And then a friend of my girlfriend’s finally has a room empty in their house. She’s been there now since December of 2025. I can get into our work/professions as to why the obvious just move out together and get a place of your own simply could not work for us financially. She recently only just was able to finally get something full time. There is no capital to do a move. I will say this as well, my family is the type to have a BIG argument, and then in a month or two pretend nothing happened. Very unhealthy. I add that information because as long as my dad is not home, my mother allows us to hang at my house. As my mom has put it “I got over what happened. I acted out of anger”. With that also being said, my mom has never apologized to my girlfriend. She just will be uber nice to her now when they do see each other. Obviously though, all my girlfriend has ever looked for was just an apology. Now for obvious reasons as well we do hanging sparingly at my house. I’ll add as well that we were both under the impression that once she got to her friends she was getting that empty room. That didn’t happen. She has been sleeping on a futon since December in the basement. A finished basement, but nonetheless, still a basement. Yes it beats my car and sneaking into empty apartments but there is still lack of security and stability. I am allowed over there whenever we want but again we do that sparingly too because there is uncomfortability being there. There’s just a constant reminder of “this isn’t your space. You’re just staying here for now”. And being that since December I still have not been able to get my own vehicle, I’m on my parents time as I use their vehicles. Also I didn’t mention too that my girlfriend does not have a car of her own. Never did. The moment we met I had the car, and I would drive her around to where she needed to go whether that’s a mall trip or to work. I don’t need you to spell out the obvious that things need to change as in getting my own place, I feel low about that as it is and not where I’m supposed to be in life given that I am 24. But moving forward would it just be best to part ways? I don’t want to. Apparently she doesn’t want too either but given the circumstances I listed here and the things I did not list here, she has some reservations. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my own reservations about it either but that’s all too much to type here. Lastly I will add this, I personally have felt more relaxed in the sense that yeah we may not be able to be at my house together as a normal couple anymore, but passes are no longer made to her or me about us, we don’t have to deal with the things in my house directly anymore. That for me gives me a bit of peace. But what’s giving me peace seems to be giving her hell. The idea of “my boyfriend’s family hates me” still chips away at her the same as it did prior to not being welcomed at the house. To which I guess you could say she never really was welcomed. I’m not saying it shouldn’t bother her, I want to make that clear. But the way I am as a person is that if I cannot give a solution or change a situation immediately or potentially ever, I am wasting my energy being so angry about things. The obvious solution is get a place of our own. But like I mentioned that didn’t work, we lost all of our money doing that, and financially cannot do it. Also, another thing that feels weird/difficult is the topic of sex. In the beginning of the relationship sex was moderately frequent (obviously. I mean, we actually had a place to do that, my room). Sex now is few and far between due to the amount of stress and lack of place to do so. However, for a good portion of the relationship before any of this went down, she would sometimes say how she feels like at times all I want from her is sex or how sex can be painful for her and that that’s why sometimes she’s not in the mood have sex. I always tried my best to make sure she knew that that wasn’t the case for me. And now I’ve almost become okay with us not having sex often because now we don’t even get to cuddle very often. I’ll take the chance to lay down and watch a movie together over sex any day because of how really we don’t get to do either. With that being said, she recently had started speaking on the lack of sex. And how she just wants to have sex with me (don’t take that literal as she JUST wants sex with me). But yknow, I’d say my libido dropped gradually when there was the period of time where she was saying she felt like all I wanted was sex. I didn’t want her to feel that. So gradually I stopped initiating. But now she brings up the lack of sex quite often. Even tho in the past it’s 60/40 been painful for her (we believe she has endometriosis for context). I’m guessing the bringing up of wanting to have sex though is more so just another highlight of something we have lost due to her being kicked out and her not being allowed in my parents house. What’s also giving me immense confusion is one day, multiple days in the week actually, is that one day we’re arguing over these things and how things need to change and she’ll state “this isn’t working I don’t think we should continue”, and then the next day or within the same day, it’s “I can’t wait to marry you I love you so much (imagine cute baby talk type of thing/energy with that sentence)”. Or it’s how she can’t wait to have kids with me and xyz. I just don’t know what to do. Again there are a lot of their complexities that have gone on inbetween all of that, but yeah. I think it’s clear that the love is there between us, but this is just unfortunately seeming to be a “love isn’t enough” situation. There’s too many things stacked against us.

Ok so this a lot I will be divulging. I will try my best to keep it brief and not ramble and just give fundamental ideas to the situations. Feel free to ask questions and if I’m comfortable I will answer. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. I (white 24m), her (biracial 22f) have dealt with a lot. On my end, I had codependency from my mother along with bigoted ideas. The main issue with her was the codependency and getting agitated when maybe I was paying more attention to my girlfriend or what have you. Again that’s a very bullet pointed version, I feel it’s a bit more nuanced and complex than that but that’s what I lll say for now. My father from the jump had an issue with me being with someone of color. Put it this way, “I don’t know or think that if you had kids with her that I could love them”. Very very heavy thing. So that’s a short version as well with a lot of other complexities. Then about a year and half ago my girlfriend was kicked out of her mother’s. She has no extended family to lean on either. I felt around that time the attitude towards her in my household was starting to die down. She felt that too but definitely not as much as I. (Long story short I was wrong). Obviously once things with her mother transpired it would have been nice had her boyfriend’s family (my family) just taken her in. That’s not what happened. For 8 months I had been sneaking her in and out of my grandmothers empty apartment (she splits her time in my state and another), and ultimately then for 6 out of those 8, I had actually been having her live at my house. My mom was in on it, as well as my siblings. I don’t know if my dad pretended to not know but as far as I know, he didn’t know. Then my girl lost her job. She was in the house all day with my mother for about a week while I would be at work (at the time I actually worked for my dad). One day my brother (13 at the time) was screaming racial slurs while playing a video game. My brother alleges that it was his friend and not him but idk. My girlfriend then went to his room, had a brief respectful discussion with them and why they don’t belong talking like that. My mother essentially lost it. Saying how he can speak however he wants in his own home. I’ll add that my family genuinely believes they are not racists, or bigoted at the least. This then resulted in my mother telling my father what had been going on (my girlfriend practically living with us). Then moving forward I was no longer allowed to even have her at the house to hangout out, watch a movie, you know, normal relationship stuff. Obviously the reason being from my father that I/we lied to him and had someone living in his house that he had no idea about, and because she tried to reprimand my brother. Tried claiming we could have asked him, but that was never going to be possible with things I’ve left out in this post. The bottom line is it that due to his dislike for her, the option of asking to have her live with us was not an option. It was said as a way to diffuse and make it like his dislike and her race wasn’t an issue. Maybe it was all 3. I mean how would anyone feel if someone was secretly living in your house that you did not give the okay on? That was May of last year. The summer then consisted of us sleeping in my car together, a short stint of her living with a friend, was able to get her room back at her abusive mothers for about a month and half. We then attempted to do a cross country move. That didn’t work. Had to go back to the state we tried leaving, her mom kicked her out again, and then we were back to sleeping in and out of my car and me sneaking her into my grandma’s apartment. Come December, my cars engine drops, my grandma is coming here for the holidays. We break up, get back together. And then a friend of my girlfriend’s finally has a room empty in their house. She’s been there now since December of 2025. I can get into our work/professions as to why the obvious just move out together and get a place of your own simply could not work for us financially. She recently only just was able to finally get something full time. There is no capital to do a move. I will say this as well, my family is the type to have a BIG argument, and then in a month or two pretend nothing happened. Very unhealthy. I add that information because as long as my dad is not home, my mother allows us to hang at my house. As my mom has put it “I got over what happened. I acted out of anger”. With that also being said, my mom has never apologized to my girlfriend. She just will be uber nice to her now when they do see each other. Obviously though, all my girlfriend has ever looked for was just an apology. Now for obvious reasons as well we do hanging sparingly at my house. I’ll add as well that we were both under the impression that once she got to her friends she was getting that empty room. That didn’t happen. She has been sleeping on a futon since December in the basement. A finished basement, but nonetheless, still a basement. Yes it beats my car and sneaking into empty apartments but there is still lack of security and stability. I am allowed over there whenever we want but again we do that sparingly too because there is uncomfortability being there. There’s just a constant reminder of “this isn’t your space. You’re just staying here for now”. And being that since December I still have not been able to get my own vehicle, I’m on my parents time as I use their vehicles. Also I didn’t mention too that my girlfriend does not have a car of her own. Never did. The moment we met I had the car, and I would drive her around to where she needed to go whether that’s a mall trip or to work. I don’t need you to spell out the obvious that things need to change as in getting my own place, I feel low about that as it is and not where I’m supposed to be in life given that I am 24. But moving forward would it just be best to part ways? I don’t want to. Apparently she doesn’t want too either but given the circumstances I listed here and the things I did not list here, she has some reservations. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my own reservations about it either but that’s all too much to type here. Lastly I will add this, I personally have felt more relaxed in the sense that yeah we may not be able to be at my house together as a normal couple anymore, but passes are no longer made to her or me about us, we don’t have to deal with the things in my house directly anymore. That for me gives me a bit of peace. But what’s giving me peace seems to be giving her hell. The idea of “my boyfriend’s family hates me” still chips away at her the same as it did prior to not being welcomed at the house. To which I guess you could say she never really was welcomed. I’m not saying it shouldn’t bother her, I want to make that clear. But the way I am as a person is that if I cannot give a solution or change a situation immediately or potentially ever, I am wasting my energy being so angry about things. The obvious solution is get a place of our own. But like I mentioned that didn’t work, we lost all of our money doing that, and financially cannot do it. Also, another thing that feels weird/difficult is the topic of sex. In the beginning of the relationship sex was moderately frequent (obviously. I mean, we actually had a place to do that, my room). Sex now is few and far between due to the amount of stress and lack of place to do so. However, for a good portion of the relationship before any of this went down, she would sometimes say how she feels like at times all I want from her is sex or how sex can be painful for her and that that’s why sometimes she’s not in the mood have sex. I always tried my best to make sure she knew that that wasn’t the case for me. And now I’ve almost become okay with us not having sex often because now we don’t even get to cuddle very often. I’ll take the chance to lay down and watch a movie together over sex any day because of how really we don’t get to do either. With that being said, she recently had started speaking on the lack of sex. And how she just wants to have sex with me (don’t take that literal as she JUST wants sex with me). But yknow, I’d say my libido dropped gradually when there was the period of time where she was saying she felt like all I wanted was sex. I didn’t want her to feel that. So gradually I stopped initiating. But now she brings up the lack of sex quite often. Even tho in the past it’s 60/40 been painful for her (we believe she has endometriosis for context). I’m guessing the bringing up of wanting to have sex though is more so just another highlight of something we have lost due to her being kicked out and her not being allowed in my parents house. What’s also giving me immense confusion is one day, multiple days in the week actually, is that one day we’re arguing over these things and how things need to change and she’ll state “this isn’t working I don’t think we should continue”, and then the next day or within the same day, it’s “I can’t wait to marry you I love you so much (imagine cute baby talk type of thing/energy with that sentence)”. Or it’s how she can’t wait to have kids with me and xyz. I just don’t know what to do. Again there are a lot of their complexities that have gone on inbetween all of that, but yeah. I think it’s clear that the love is there between us, but this is just unfortunately seeming to be a “love isn’t enough” situation. There’s too many things stacked against us.