u/ContraversialHuman

I was content with how I looked for a week and then once again that grace period has shattered. It’s a never ending cycle. People notice me looking in the mirror constantly, reflections of cars, reflections of store windows, moving around my hair and my head looking at my jaw and skin and eyes and nose and hairline.

Sometimes I walk up to a reflection even though I’m on a busy street, it’s almost as if I’m doing it in front of everyone to tell them “I know I’m not a looker, I know I should be doing better to look better,” how can I stop? It takes up hours of my day, constantly looking at myself constantly being unhappy with myself, wearing layers of clothes in the sun to hope the sweat that leaves me shows this hidden face under mine.

It’s almost always my face. I drink constantly to get away from it and it’s funny because I read that that makes it worse, but it can actually slim it down whilst you do drink until you wake up in the morning.

So I’ll look at myself in the mirror drunk for up to an hour sometimes, in the bathroom because doing in front of my mother is the only person I’m embarrassed to do it in front of.

I put on the shower and open the window so she can’t wonder what I’m doing and the mirror won’t steam because of the open window. winding around my neck to angles where I look less like myself.

Sometimes I think about using a knife to mould myself like clay.

My diets been mostly milk, water, grapes and a sandwich every now and then last week and today so maybe I’ll switch for more fruits and some vegetables and only water, no milk, for work this week. Maybe I’ll look better.