u/Consistent-Trick4580

Hello, I’m writing this post as I have had the most memorable talking stage of my life. (Not a happy ending)

I have met someone with an amazing personality and was everything I truthfully could have wanted in a person. We spent a few weeks talking non stop and finally met for our first dates. When I had to leave, I noticed that she was crying intensely and I felt the need to comfort her and let her cry it out on me. She was insecure about it and I told her it was okay.

Things proceeded to go well and I didn’t want to force anything too fast - a few weeks later she wanted to come up and stay at my place for a few days. She was very caring, hid notes around my house (that I’m still finding) and we had a great time. She trusted me to watch her dog and everything was going well. She got ready to leave and the crying happened again - I provided support again.

Now I’m thinking to myself “okay she’s very attached, I need to show that I’m okay with us working towards being official”.

She comes back again like 2 weeks later for a few days, almost a week. We had a lovely time and I started experiencing a slight financial struggle. This was due to my breaker box slowly going out and my money was mismanaged by my bank, so I had to talk to them and get that figured out. I couldn’t take her to go on one of our planned dates but we went on the rest of them.

Fast forward and here comes new years, she is very excited and is excited for us making it official. I surprised her by coming to her work and bringing her boba (her favorite drink).

While I’m there I notice something feels *VERY* off. She is just kind of functioning on her own and we aren’t really spending time together. I felt like a ghost at this time.

By the time I had to drive home she wasn’t crying this time and she told me to let her know when I made it home.

I made it home and she immediately ended things. I was confused and she was very upset over the time that I couldn’t afford to take us on the date, the complication with my bank, and I was berated for my salary, my laugh and several others things. She also told me that I needed to change but I couldn’t change for her.

I was unsure of how to respond to this and frankly it was a much more hostile response than I was prepared for. So I told her that it is simply compromise and it is a fundamental part that we have to develop, if she expects someone to be absolutely perfect that will never happen. I need forgiveness and I can understand that she is upset - but to be so personal about my shortcomings when all we did was miss one meal was uncalled for.

The next day she changed her mind and we decided to give it another shot.

2 weeks later and everything seems fine. She cuts it off again, just saying that we are simply incompatible but there was no point of conflict.

I was confused and could not grasp at how such an amazing connection with genuine intention just exploded like that. So I asked her if she could please just tell me what’s going on. She shot it down and wanted to stay friends but she had a very detached attitude.

A few weeks later I called back and just tried again - she still answered with a sweet voice and kept my number but the tone went down after a few minutes. I asked what I did wrong and she said I did nothing and I was perfectly fine.

This confused me even more and I didn’t reach out for a few months.

The other day she started watching me social media and I saw a notification of her viewing my stuff. This made me want to try again.

She avoided the discussion again and this time it deeply hurt. I told her that I felt like I was played with and I was not going to be played with a third time. She never responded to this and I had to commit to blocking her because my mental health has been catastrophic.

I regret how I handled it and I talked with some of my closest friends. One of which told me that it could potentially be BPD, her mother has it and said that she could be undiagnosed.

So now I feel horrible because I could have never imagined and I want to be understanding towards others in the future. She is an amazing person and I just have had 0 experience with it. I am full of shame and will be a better person.

If anyone has better advice on how I can handle this incase I meet someone else that has BPD patterns please let me know.

PSA : this will likely not be structured well. I’m just spilling some emotional regret with a decision.

I met an absolutely wonderful person, our time together was on a level beyond fantasy. We have spent a few months together bonding and in nearly constant contact.
There were moments where I could notice a fear of them promoting our time into a relationship. There were these occasional very hateful comments that started coming up and I would just kind of take them as I wasn’t sure if she was joking or not.

Fast forward and the holidays were approaching - directly after I drove down to celebrate New Years together and have our 1st New Years Kiss I was met with the discard as soon as I made it home. Naturally, I messaged and wanted to work out what was going on - I felt dismissed and was emotional. I felt like I existed on a dimension outside of reality, bordering delusion, I was in fact nothing.

Two days later she wanted to come back, we tried talking it out and everything seemed normal for 2 weeks - until I was trapped at home due to a winter storm with no power for 5 days. I was discarded again, I tried to fight for it again and no matter how hard I tried the reason kept changing.

I looked online for answers as I was going insane trying to understand what I did to lose such a magnetic connection. I’ve lost sleep, weight, and just overall any trust within reality.

The internet pointed me towards the avoidant discard and the patterns of them returning.

Regretfully, I made the decision that I cannot handle this dynamic again - I have put my old self to death and entirely rebuilt myself. I have no desire to survive this again, so I sent one final text message to let them know to never come back. I told the avoidant that I will absolutely not be played with a third time. I’ve blocked her on everything and I am having to leave the past behind.

Regretfully, I still feel that I was loved in that time but her nervous system took her from me. I had a glimpse of all that I could have ever asked for but I cannot let the siren take me under the water again.

There is nothing wrong with her by any means and I will always love this person - my biggest wrongs were my emotions and desperation to fight for this person amongst the confusion. I feel a deep regret if I have scared her but I would rather her hate me for the confrontation and confession than come back into my life and drag me under again.

Life is cruel at times but she will always be the person who made me bring the best parts of myself forward. I’m working on killing off my weaknesses.

To atone for my mistake in my emotional outbursts - I will continue to keep my promises to her. I cannot have her but I will complete every plan on my house that she wanted me to make. I will follow through on EVERYTHING - even though she will never see it.

She’s such a blessing and I hate more than anything that she is cursed with her nervous system.

This is my atonement and my final farewell to this.