WARNING: this is extremely long and may come off as a rant but I am deeply grateful to anyone who takes the time to read this. thank you.
I’ve driven myself insane by two women between whom my love oscillates constantly and am filled with dread at the thought of having to choose between them. Every time I think I’ve made a decision a few moments pass and I feel a deep sense of unease in my chest and am back where I started. I really need a way out of this predicament and I’m at a loss for what to do. I truly can’t imagine my future without them in it but I know that a decision needs to be made at some point. Please do not suggest that I cut both off and move on because that’s not an option that I’m willing to seriously consider.
To start with girl 1 we dated for about five and a half years that started as long distance, living together for about 3 from the ages of 16 to 22 and have grown extremely close, often times feeling like we’ve merged into the same person just because of how much time we’ve spent together and memories we’ve shared however this was all done in-spite of deep rooted issues in our relationship starting with 3 instances of cheating, one at the start of the relationship where she was dating me and another guy at the same time with whom she eventually broke up before I found out, I did still find out later and ended up deciding to forgive her, a few months later I found her speaking to one of her exes and lying about who I was saying I was just her friend, she blocked him after I found out gave me all of her passwords and such and I chose to give her another chance. After this everything was seemingly good for a while we were still long distance at this point, she was very dysfunctional and I was the sole person getting her through high school since this was during covid by doing all of her work for her because I didn’t want to see her fail. About a year and a half in I turned 18, moved to college and was much closer to her so we would see each other every weekend during this time she started acting strange about being intimate with me although she had been with previous boyfriends, she was my first ever relationship and we were both 18 by this point. This caused tension between us where eventually I gave up on trying to chance her mind and kind of lost interest in sexual intimacy with her but still we pursued seeing each other, making memories ect. The topic of sex would come up and eventually she changed her mind on her own and we became sexually intimate. Just a few months after this she was almost done with high school (she was a grade behind me) and I was still pushing her to make sure she actually graduated and got her to the point of doing the work herself just with a large amount of oversight and supervision on my part, she was also planning on moving to my college town and attending the community college there so that we could be together. During the entire duration of this period of time we were very attached and close to each other despite all of the aforementioned problems and would be on the phone nearly 24/7 unless I was outside doing something. During the spring before her planned move to my college town she got a job with the intent of saving some money to make the transition easier and started vaping and eventually smoking weed to cope with the stress of the job even though it was pretty basic minimum wage service work. At this job she also began flirting with a coworker, the third instance of cheating and the first time she was doing so in-person. Even after I found out it was impossible to speak to her because she would be high on weed almost all day and started abusing Benadryl shortly after, whenever she would be semi sober it was impossible to have a normal conversation and knowing that I knew about the guy she was flirting with she still refused to stop, I went to see her one last time to confront her in-person and she refused to speak about the topic so I stopped seeing her in real life for a while. I did however spend that entire summer being agonized by the thought of her doing this and trying to get her to stop destroying her brain with Benadryl and weed, my attempts at both were futile and eventually culminated in her having some Benadryl psychosis induced freakout that I won’t describe here and being baker acted. Of course, when she was being evaluated to determine whether she should be committed to a psychiatric institution long term or not her parents called me as I was who she always relied on and I was able to talk to psychiatrist out of baker acting her and she was eventually released. Shortly after this another series of events took place that eventually led to her cutting the guy she was flirting with off. Supposedly nothing more physically intimate ever took place between them but of course I have no way to know for sure, she quit vaping Benadryl and week and since her lease was already signed continued with the move to my college town. At this point I’m not sure why I was sticking around but I was. I helped her with her move and after she got there everything seemed well and good, our relationship became better than ever and I was really happy with her she would be staying at my apartment for weeks at a time and eventually moved in once her lease ended. During the time of her renting, she wasn’t able to properly hold down a job and would get overwhelmed and quit but I ended up helping her financially not thinking much of it, same with community college which I was still helping push her through. She moved in and everything was seemingly going fine. However, all of these things began to take a mental toll on my subconsciously, the cheating, the refusal for any intimacy with me being the exception, the cheating again, the immense amount of effort it took me to make sure she was fine and doing anything productive whatsoever. I slowly started to become resentful and disinterested in really engaging with her on a deep level eventually getting to the point where I looked forward to any opportunity to be away from her, we still shared lots of laughs, great times and memories during this time since we were together basically 24/7 as her college classes were a minimal time commitment and I was on a gap year and of course my withdrawn and disinterested attitude didn’t last 24/7. Shortly before this/around the start of this time she turned 21 and almost instantly began drinking, at first just a few drinks for fun which turned into a serious problem very quickly, drinking to the point of passing out multiple times a week, day drinking ect. Of course, this both concerned and enraged me and I spent immense amounts of energy trying to get her to stop this led to more tension and more resentment on my part but I still cared for and was deeply attached to her and just wanted the best for her. Eventually the gap year ended and it was time to move to a new city for me to continue schooling. She cut back drinking because my parents were around often and she couldn’t be seen drunk around them, it was during the moving process that I broke up with her, the details of which I’ll leave out. She moved back to her parent’s place and I moved and started grad school, when we broke up, she told me that shed change and become a whole different person to make everything up to me and would wait forever for me to see that and come back to her. I know this might sound like it was miserable but anyone who was been in a similar situation would know that there were immeasurable amounts of laughs and memories made and depth of connection that is extremely hard to give up and move on from We stayed in periodic contact after the breakup where wed text casually and she would do gestures to show how sorry for everything she was like cook me things small gifts and of course words ect because even when things weren’t great between us she always tried to show she cared and wanted to take care of me/help me. I obviously cut down on it and cut it off completely as things became more serious between me and the new girl that I met.
A few months after my move/breakup I started school and met a girl on hinge with who I clicked instantly, everything with her felt so innocent and great everything moved along quickly and every time I’d see her seconds would turn into a full day within the blink of an eye, with not even a minute of awkward silence between us. At first of course I was deeply paranoid of the same kinds of cheating and other problems I had during my past relationship coming up nothing of the sort happened and we both fell in love with each other super quickly. I really don’t have much to say because in terms of problems the relationship was so uneventful that there’s nothing to note especially not on her part. The main issue was my hesitation, even though I loved every second we spent together I constantly felt a sense of guilt that I was doing something wrong, taking something away from my ex or making her suffer by not being with her. These feelings would crop up from time to time and eat away at my conscience especially because she would contact me every once in a while, we’d talk (not romantically on my end whatsoever) and shed try to find a way to let me know how much she’d changed with every contact. This worsened my hesitation and feeling of guilt that started to create problems with my new girlfriend, id be scared to be more open with her and wouldn’t fully express my personality at times out of this feeling of guilt, I tried breaking up with her a few times and was talked out of it by her rather quickly each time because despite this I love her. I ended up taking acid with her which worsened my indecisiveness and unease about the situation tenfold because I was alternating between feelings of extreme love for her and extreme anxiety/feeling of guilt for not being with my ex. Eventually I did follow through and broke up with her after about 9 months although we stayed in contact as “friends” although not much really changed in our texting dynamic besides the fact that we weren’t seeing each other in real life but also weren’t seeing other people. The entire time I was with her when I wasn’t feeling hesitant or guilty I was deeply in love and she had 100% of my attention anytime that we were speaking or together in person with none of the inattentiveness or boredom that began with the first girl as things went on.
This feeling of limbo and indecisiveness that I have found myself in is extremely exhaustive and I can never have my mind fully set one way or another even if for a few minutes or even a few hours I may feel that I do and the constant mental back and forth is extremely debilitating. The main points of contention in my mind are how difficult it is for me to imagine my future without girl 1 in it. Every single major milestone in my life since I met her at 16 has involved her in one way or another whether that be good or bad, and of course I am able to be my complete uninhibited self around her whenever I am with her. I do however often find myself disinterested and just bored often times when speaking with her. From what I’ve seen she has made a great effort to change many of the things that led to issues between us like staying sober from everything taking care of her responsibilities like school and looking for a job herself, and according to her having changed her ways of thinking in such a drastic manner since our breakup that she feels like a completely different person. In one case I’m afraid of the unknown and of giving up all of the memories and connection that I built over the years with the first girl and the thought of major milestones in the future without her just feels wrong to me and I can’t imagine fully removing her from my life permanently. On the other hand, every moment with the second girl feels blissful and happy, I often forget that I even have a phone to scroll on and time just vanishes when we are together from constant joking teasing and laughing. I have such great fun with her whenever we are together. In terms of sexual desire/attraction I find myself thinking about the new girl much more (although both are objectively attractive) and was much more present in the moment with her than I can remember myself being most times with my ex and I just have such a crush on her that hasn’t really dissipated in the time we’ve known each other. There are of course particular things that make me think of my ex especially animals showing love/affection to each other, families and kids, elderly couples, and just things that feel homey/nostalgic in general and sometimes just want to give her a hug or hold her hand. In terms of more objective things girl 2 if much more stable mentally/emotionally although my ex claims to have totally changed in regards to that, of course I have no resentment or feeling of having ever been wronged by her. I have love for both girls in different ways and I really am exhausted and don’t know where to go from here or what to do I have grown so weary and exhausted from the situation as a whole and the thought of fully committing one way or another makes me sick to my stomach. I truly appreciate any advice or guidance on how I can come to a decision or where I can go from here in terms of what questions I should ask myself as well as just people saying what they would do in this situation. Many times I do just wish that something drastic would happen and take away my agency to make a choice and just have the choice made for me just to be relieved from the mental torture that this causes me all day everyday.
TL;DR: I’m stuck between my ex of 5.5 years and a newer girl I dated after we broke up. My ex and I grew up together, lived together, shared almost every major life milestone, and I feel an extremely deep attachment/history with her. But the relationship had serious issues: multiple cheating/boundary violations, lying, substance abuse, emotional instability, dependence on me, and I eventually became resentful and emotionally checked out. She now says she has completely changed and wants to make things right.
The newer girl is stable, kind, emotionally safe, and our relationship felt easy, happy, fun, and sexually/romantically alive. I had no real problems with her except my own guilt and hesitation over leaving my ex behind. I broke up with her too because I couldn’t stop feeling torn.
Now I feel trapped in constant mental limbo. Girl 1 feels like history, home, guilt, nostalgia, and unfinished business. Girl 2 feels like peace, attraction, stability, and present happiness. I love both in different ways, and choosing either one feels like losing a huge part of my life. I’m exhausted and don’t know how to make a firm decision.