u/Conscious_Entry_6320

I remember how hard the beginning was, but I honestly wish I could go back to everyone being worried about me and my friends being so happy the first time I ate out with them. Now it's just expected. And now that I'm a healthy weight (came from being very underweight), no one expects me to still be struggling. Also I really miss inpatient. I know that sounds weird, but I really miss everything being out of my control, and being able to relate to other people with eating disorders. Now it feels like I've lost that part of me. Also having hypermetabolism, where I could literally eat so much and barely gain any weight. It's not even that I miss having an eating disorder, it's that I miss how exciting it was to eat my fear foods for the first time and have people talk about me and have my biggest worry be what I was going to eat for morning snack. Idk if anyone else feels like this, I just feel like my struggles aren't valid anymore now that I don't "look sick"

I've never posted before so i dont really know how to do this. a bit about me i was in and out of treatment the past two years for both anorexia and bulimia, but i've been struggling with binge eating recently and about three weeks ago I purged for the first time in months. It felt sooo good, and I've been doing it two or three times a day since. but I really dont want to go back down that road because i've seen where it leads to. I want help but i dont want to tell my parents because I know i'll be straight back to treatment. I'm starting to feel like I used to, dizzy all the time, tired, and acid reflux all day, but honestly that jsut reminds me of how much I loved being uw and sick. I don't really know what im asking for, I guess just what you do to stop yourself from purging, especially after overeating? Thanks so much