u/Connect-Chair-9810

Hello! Me (18) and my girlfriend(18) have spoken about wanting to do vaginal sex for a while.

She has always been pretty uncomfortable and tense when we have tried, and when we've gotten close I stopped because she said it was painful, so we end up doing something else. She has also had some traumatic SA experiences in the past, so I am mindful of her boundaries.

She saw her gynecologist and was only able to relax for a short period, before getting diagnosed. Her doctor gave her some tips (pelvic floor exercises, lube, foreplay, etc.).

I'm not looking for a magical solution, but any tips you could give us to make her feel more comfortable and able to relax. She is pretty relaxed during other sexual acts, it is just anything vaginal she has issues with.

I am also wondering if there is anything we could do about the pain. She is still a virgin, so I would expect it to be painful, but I want her to enjoy it and not associate it with being a holistically agonizing experience. She has told me she was able to get one finger in, but two she has trouble with.

Any advice, or things that have worked for you would be much appreciated. Thank you!

We dated for 2 years, and broke up 8-12 months ago (I have lost track of time). I still have nightmares about her, and she is still the only person I can confidently say that I have loved (romantically), and to some extent still do.

She had severe anorexia, BPD 2, and had attempted suicide multiple times even before our relationship. I remember our first date, at her house with her family. It went well until dinner, I had to comfort her as she ate. I was not put off, I wanted to make her feel comfortable.

The next day she overdosed on her medicine, and called me as she did it. I remember how calm I was in giving her instructions, and calling the ambulance to her house. She was in the psych ward for around a month or two.

This cycle continued, and only got worse. She was attached to me, and it terrified me greatly. If I even asked for some time to myself, she would think it was because I hated her, and cut herself. All I could do was console her more and take less time away. I started acting like I was going to bed earlier, just so I could be alone and have solace for even a few hours.

I started to resent not her, but speaking to her. I still have a kind-of trauma response when I hear a phone ring, as if I expect her to be on the other end telling me she cut herself or had attempted suicide again, and will be in the psych ward.

Despite all this, she was the only girl I have ever truly felt comfortable around. We lost our virginity to eachother. The only reason I broke up with her, was after I had asked for around four hours to study, which I thought was a reasonable ask, and she tried to kill herself again. I cannot feel that important to someone, where they hurt themselves if they feel I am not constantly attending to them. It only affected me because I really did care about her, I loved her. She is the only person I related to interpersonally on a level that was not superficial.

She tried to speak with me after, I still loved her, and she wanted to make it work. On the advice of a counselor I blocked the number, as hearing her voice caused me great stress and pain, and it did to her too. I didnt want something that fed into both of our worst impulses.

I had a nightmare about her last night, I was smothering her with a pillow. I have tried to forget so consistently, I've had this problem with nobody else. What do I do? I've tried to focus on other things. Thinking about her feels like torture. I haven't had, and don't know if I will ever have a relationship after this. Nobody has ever made me feel like she did. Being with her was hell, but being without her is agonizingly worse.

I don't know what to do.