u/ConfusingScenario

TRIGGER WARNING

How can I address a friend who habitually over-pathologizes other people's relationship issues? We have a male friend who uses extreme domestic violence terminology (like 'financial coercion' or 'held captive') to describe relationships that, while toxic or 'gray area,' do not meet that level of severity. Or he makes a very specific and easily refutable claim that turns out to not be true. Says the woman doesn’t realize they are abused yet. Often there is a mismatch in how he presents the urgency to what is true.

This is deeply triggering for the DV survivors in our group and creates a 'cry wolf' effect that may lead us to overlook a genuine emergency in the future. The women who hear this full on panic and go investigate and help, only to realize the situation was not as coercive as it was presented. Then they no longer want to hang out because they don’t feel safe. How do we correct his misuse of these terms without making him defensive about his desire to help?

Is there a way to convey to someone that has never been abused like this, the damage it does if you are not insanely accurate and sure all your facts are correct?

hey all!

I‘m new to poly and need advice.

I’m honestly just sitting here wondering what I’ve actually gotten myself into. I’m the younger one in this expanded cule with a middle-aged couple, and while they seemed so rad and put-together at first, the "fun" part is starting to feel like a bit of a facade. I’m trying to figure out if this is just what happens when you get deep into poly dynamics, or if I’m missing some major warning signs.

The more I get to know them, the more the vibe shifts. The wife has a lot of mental health stuff going on, and it feels like she’s only really okay if she’s got a partner right there; the second the husband is away, things start to spiral. And he’s definitely the "hero" type and he always seems to be in the middle of saving someone, usually women who are going through a hard time. It clearly works for their marriage since she relies on him so much, but it feels like it creates a lot of tension with everyone else. He also has this way of talking where everything is a huge exaggeration, especially when he’s dealing with other guys in the circle.

Things got really messy recently when the wife went to see an ex who has literally not bothered her at all. This ex is known for being super chill and low-drama, but somehow it turned into a total disaster. When I actually talked to her (it took me months), she had all the receipts and messages, and it was a lot. It looked like the husband was taking tiny grains of truth and twisting them into these huge stories to make other people look abusive. It felt like he was trying to wedge himself between this woman and her other partners. He was also actively recruiting. What was worse is, this girl had recent pain with losing someone to abuse and it felt so cruel.

But the part that actually makes my stomach turn is how he talks about his wife when she’s not around in the messages. The ex clearly figured out this guy had issues but kept the conversations going to get some evidence. He told this other woman (who once dated his wife) that because his wife is on so many meds, he doesn’t think she’ll make it to old age and he’s basically already picking out who is going to "replace" her when she’s gone. The woman he picked was the one had made abuse accusations against her partner. It’s so hard to square that with the "perfectly stable" marriage they show everyone at parties. I just keep thinking that I’d never want a partner to talk about me like I’m a disposable placeholder. Is this just messy poly growing pains, or did I accidentally walk into a total disaster?