u/Confident_Cow_6630

I have a chronic illness. I can’t get out of bed most days, and doctors don’t have any answers for me other than just slapping a CFS diagnosis on me and moving on. Obviously, this is a massive burden on my family. I was arguing with my parents over the fact that I wasn’t able to do yardwork. In the heat of the moment, I confessed that I know how much of a burden I am and that its all I can think about before I go to bed each night (dramatic, I know). Part of me wanted my mom to refute it. To tell me ‘No, you’re not a burden. Taking care of you is worth it. You deserve love. I care about your wellbeing. It’s okay to rest.’ She didn’t. She just talked about how my dad has given up on his kids and is suicidal because of me.

Im not suicidal. I like living. But man, it would be alot easier for others if I wasn’t here anymore. At this point, me continuing to live despite it all is almost spiteful. It kinda makes me feel good that Im still here kicking it, like a cockroach you just can’t seem to kill. I almost ruined my two day self harm clean streak (not alot but its the best Ive done in a month). I pulled the blade away at the last minute though. Im glad I did, even though I miss the adrenaline release. It hurts to walk. My legs are too jacked up and there is only so much you can do for half inch wide gashes without proper stitches. Im so tired I don’t want to do this.

17f. Ive been thinking about my childhood a bit and Im starting to realize alot of it probably wasn’t that healthy.

The main issue I have with my parents, primarily my mom, is the way they would hold their life over my head. For as long as I can remember, (starting around kindergarten maybe?) my mother had always told me that my father was going to kill himself because of me whenever I messed up. I don’t mean like that casual ‘man you are going to be the death of us!’ joking comments. I mean like full on breakdowns that I was causing my dad to be suicidal and that they were both going to die early.

Its not like this is coming out of nowhere either. My dads mental health has always been awful. He has OCD and medication has never worked for him. On top of that, both my parents are extremely nihilistic. I don’t think I have ever heard them say anything positive about living my entire life, no exaggeration. They are both hyper religious and I can recall them often reminiscing about how excited they are to die and go to heaven.

Frankly, it is totally within the realm of possibility that he may kill himself because of me. Im a good kid and have awesome grades (recently got a full cost-of-attendance scholarship to a competitive out of state college) but I have a chronic illness that causes me to be bed bound occasionally. Its a huge mental load on my parents but I feel like I shouldn’t feel guilty for that? I mean its not like I can control it, even if it does severely worsen my parents mental health.

I think this has caused me to be pretty apathetic towards my parents. A few weeks ago my dad had a stroke/siezure episode and had to get an ambulance. I didn’t care at all. Didn’t even bother visiting the hospital. Honestly, I felt a little relieved that the second shoe was starting to drop. It made me feel really gross when I realized and didn’t care whether or not my parents lived. I mean I would be sad, but not devastated. I wish it wasn’t this way but I can’t deny I have thought about what life would be like without them. It’s a bit hard to look on the bright side of life when you have a bug in your ear constantly reminding you that living is overrated.

Beyond that, my parents haven’t really hurt me all that much. Generally they are pretty pleasant and I can joke with them. They just complain alot. They have treated my older siblings way worse then me. Lots of emotional occasional physical abuse. I fly under the radar pretty well though so I don’t have to deal with that. Generally, we have a good relationship. Frankly, I don’t really truly interact with them at all unless I am talking about grades or arguing.

I feel kinda pathetic venting like this. Yeah my parents did some crappy things but overall they cared for me pretty well and treat me nicely? They are kind and smile at me and stuff. Its not like they are the worst. I just feel like the whole suicide thing wasn’t okay. I just don’t know how I am supposed to feel about it all and would love some advice. Idk I feel like I am overreacting over literally nothing.