u/Concaught-Resender

When I was younger: Screens, food, attention

Now: Cigarettes/vapes and alcohol

Wider context: Diagnosed with ADHD (medicated), autism, and dyslexia since pretty young (don't know if I honestly fully trust all these diagnoses but I definitely feel like I am neurodivergent in some way, particularly in a way that makes me more perceptible to dopamine seeking), and probably technically have some trauma I guess (sexual assault by a classmate, a lot of social rejection and loneliness, various cases of privacy threats, growing up with an obviously traumatized mother who has some boundary issues because of it, etc.)

Just caught myself very drunkenly picking up a lot of cigarettes off the ground and smoking them (to be fair, mostly my own from earlier, but still) because my card declined due to too many transactions or whatever (I know that I have enough available funds so it can't be that I don't have enough) when trying to buy a full pack earlier. Obviously, after experiencing a situation like that again I feel super disappointed in myself. I feel like I can barely go two hours without one, sometimes less than that, and not a night without at least 2-3 drinks (but most likely 4-6+, or a whole whisky bottle at my worst). I have experienced so many cases where my body felt like it was actively decaying at a rapid rate over the last few months due to these habits, where I felt pains/burns in my throat, had a 24/7 cough, chest pains and tightening, aches in the part of my lower back around where my kidneys should be and (to a lesser extent) other parts of the body as well, headaches that have started to almost feel like actual shallow holes/dents in my brain, some small but weird skin stuff, etc. The worst part is that the one time I had to recently go for longer than usual without cigarettes for a family thing, it reminded me a lot of my irritability as a kid before I started consistently using any of this more chemically addictive stuff, making me wonder if I can naturally go without artificial dopamine in a way that doesn't make even mundane things feel awful. The issue is that all this has also made me feel so empty/numb and even anxious (for health, financial, etc. reasons) at points and has even increased the feeling of just not wanting to exist anymore a few times. I just honestly don't know what to do, I struggle to fully trust myself at this point.

General Context

• Technically second year undergrad if going by credits (I have been in post-secondary for longer due to transferring and barriers to being able to take full course loads in some past semesters) studying sociology and anthropology out of genuine interest and care, planning to pursue an academic career (yes I have plan B's and C's as well, I know the statistics)
• I love learning, writing, conceptual thinking, considering methodology, etc., in fact, I do a lot of it in my free time outside of academia (mostly the writing part but a good amount of online research as well) and I have been told that I seem like a good fit for this path
• Despite this, I have always struggled with consistently committing to reading even if I enjoy the subject, am intrigued, or enjoyed reading parts of the text previously
• I do know how to read more efficiently, how to skim, etc.
• I do have ADHD but I am also medicated which, along with more recently developed habits, has helped a lot with focus, motivation, avoidant tendencies, persistence, and general productivity
• There has been recent a spike in how demanding my classes have been, though I don't feel like my slacking off is really proportionate to this

The Problem

Despite what I have been assigned and getting ok to good grades overall so far, I haven't actually read much. I have gotten through some of these courses through a lot of luck and some strategizing (no AI involved to be clear). I will often try most at the start of the semester, but then my reading degrades from there until it is unfeasible to catch up that much. Even in my free time, I read very casually and in a fragmented way. This is clearly not sustainable with what I want to do, it's honestly a bit demoralizing with how dishonest it feels, it's certainly not good for my intellectual development, and I genuinely feel like I've missed out on a lot because of it. This last semester was especially rough for some reason, and I have started to see my grades suffer a bit partly because of it.

Basically, I just want some tips or pointers on how I could deal with this. Currently, my best idea is to just try to get myself in the habit of reading more often in general while I'm on break, but I thought I would ask for further advice or a second opinion as well.