Obvious she’s hoarse from screaming at the dog, but how did Julia lose her voice? Did they write the story around her laryngitis or did she intentionally scream her voice out for plot consistency?
So I was sober for over two years. Everything was mostly fine. I became genuinely convinced that I could moderate. I’m a pretty smart, aware and emotionally intelligent person. I’ve seen what weed does to me, I know the ripple effects it can have on different aspects of my life when I abuse it. But I reached a point where I thought. “I’m mature, I can control this.” I even made a contract and signed it. The contract contained agreements like “I will only use flower and mild edibles, I will not use two consecutive days, I will not let it interfere with work etc.” you get the idea. Basically I set everything up to give myself permission to have my “treat” every now and again.
I did ok for about 4 months. Admittedly the first few times I got stoned were amazing. I had that old feeling back. I felt joy and elation and I remembered why I loved it so much. It’s a lot like hooking up with an ex that you had great sexual chemistry with. I stuck to once or twice a week and only used flower and mild edibles. And it wasn’t affecting me negatively. However, what needled me was the obsessive thinking. I’m now convinced that addiction to weed and maybe addiction in general is OCD. It’s a problem of thinking. It gradually became my first thought upon waking up. “When can I smoke again? Is it Friday yet?” It permeated my consciousness throughout the day. Then it became giving myself permission to smoke under other special circumstances. So for instance I love smoking after aerobic exercise so I gave myself permission to do it then. Then I gave myself permission to do it in certain social settings or when I’m celebrating something or when I’m working on something creative. You can see where this is headed.
Finally a couple of weeks ago, I bought a cart for the convenience and for the smell suppression. Since then, I’ve used every single day. My brain keeps trying to justify it. “I’m still productive, I can still do x y and z, but Seth Rogen says…” I’ve been hiding it from my partner and family, I’ve been sneaking away to get high, I’ve felt immense amounts of shame for being weak and dishonest.
I’m back to the place I didn’t ever want to be. And I’m remembering why I quit. I’m more depressed, less productive, less active, less motivated and on top of that, I’ve living a secret. It’s weed that is responsible.
I threw away the cart today.
Listen and listen well. I don’t care who you are, MODERATION IS NOT POSSIBLE. I know you can think clearly now, but when those obsessive thoughts hammer you all day, eventually you will succumb. We are powerless over it.