I have a teen and a three year old. My husband and I both work full time, and I am hitting a wall with my mental health. I hate my job and cannot keep up with everything. We are both in therapy, my husband does not understand what it takes to keep our home running and doesn’t contribute equally. It has been a grievous issue between us that the work load I carry, barely scrape by, miss deadlines for along with working full time is unreasonable.
I have hit a wall the last few days, I just can’t anymore. I’ve called off work and I’m paralyzed with fear. I just can’t do it anymore, my glass is empty. If we didn’t have children, I wouldn’t be writing this. I am ugly, I have an ugly outlook on the world, I feel completely depleted and no one cares. The only value I carry for anyone is to not complain while I make sure I am one step ahead and everyone’s bellies are full.
I am burnt-out and having a solo nervous breakdown in a parking lot. I literally have no one to call, I have no friends and the only family that cares about me is my 85 year old ailing grandmother who cares full time for her 95 year old ailing, paraplegic husband.
What do I do? I‘ve been spiraling and weeping about how I don’t matter since I got off with my therapist at 9 this morning. She sees us separately, has for years, and it’s just turned I to me providing context for all the bullshit he tells her. He takes up all the space, like a black hole, whenever we talk, it is only about him, when we make goals, they are goals for him, the food I cook is for him, the free time is for him, time I take off work is for him.
I am an object.