u/ComplexMarch4500 — reddlx

I am so terrified I have been in a relationship with my partner for 8 years he tells me that I attack him when he spends time with anyone else and when I feel out of control of my feelings. I do tend to get jealous and lash out if I can’t tag along, but I never recognized it as that and I’m freaking out because I read an entire BPD and FP study and it fits me and my issues to a literal T. I love my partner, truly we have 2 kids and one on the way, he has left to spend a few days at a family members for the first time ever because he says he can’t take me attacking him anymore and he will walk away from now on and get space until I can control my anger, he says he can handle all my upsets and emotions up until I attack him personally, I don’t even remember saying some of the things he has said I’ve said to him. I am mortified that this could be me, and I am very desperate to heal my relationship and show my partner that I want to change for the better of him feeling respected and like a person in our relationship. He is the most attentive man and no one has loved me more fully. He has never left like this before and I now realize he has taken this abuse from me in stride for nearly a decade. I am not diagnosed as BPD I am 38 yr old woman I have extensive childhood trauma. I thought I just had a bad trauma bond with him I have issues being alone and finding things to do to be comfortable with being by myself, I suffer from intense depression, feeling out of control of myself and extreme overwhelm with a lot I experience in life.I feel alone when alone. I have been diagnosed by my psychiatrist with severe MDD and PTSD and ADHD and RSD but have I been misdiagnosed or are all those things just as likely to cause this!? He told me he cannot fathom a life without me in it and would live in a separate house on the same property so that we could stay together as a point to tell me he would never leave me but he can’t take this behavior from me anymore. He has no idea I feel like I have discovered this. I have no idea how to tell him. Or if I should without knowing for sure or a proper diagnosis. Is there anyone that has kept their relationship healthy and alive or are they all doomed he is autistic and ADHD I can’t live with the fact I have damaged us to the point of him withdrawing and feeling so hurt by me I want to get better but I can’t afford therapy. Advice anyone I’m begging for help😞😞😞😞