Because when you try to make someone else look bad, people usually focus more on your behavior than on the person you’re criticizing.
Dear,
The more I think about my life, the more I understand how wrong I was. Especially in relation to myself. I always helped those who weren’t worth it, forgetting about myself. I betrayed my family for others. I made a fool of myself. Then I neglected myself and my body because of guilt toward my family. I lost my voice and my uniqueness over time.
I realized how wrong I was when I betrayed myself. I realized how wrong I was when I did things for others while forgetting about myself. And today, I choose myself. I’ve realized how important it is not to lie to myself, first and foremost. I’ve realized how important it is to take care of myself.
I wonder when and where I lost myself. Thank you for making me feel like myself again and for breathing life into me. I felt unworthy. I still feel unworthy of anything better in this life, because I have never known anything better and I did not value myself.
Me
Dear,
The more I reflect, the more I realize that I was often the cause of my own problems.
I’ve come to love this new version of myself. The one who understands that not everything belongs on the internet, that speaking publicly while emotional rarely leads anywhere good, and that it’s easier (and wiser) to step back than to get pulled into unnecessary drama.
I’ve learned that even when it’s hard, choosing kindness and staying respectful matters because without that, you don’t get far.
I also understand now that you can’t open up to everyone right away. You have to be more mindful and selective about who you trust and how you communicate.
I’ve learned to trust my intuition about people. If something feels off, then it probably is.
I’ve learned not to be naive, and to recognize that sometimes people have their own agendas behind their words.
I’ve learned that it’s a bad idea to try to make other people look bad and to be vindictive. It never leads to anything good.
I’ve learned that not everything is about me and that realization has brought me a sense of peace, happiness, and a release from so much anxiety.
I see my mistakes clearly now. Maybe I didn’t understand before, but I’ve grown.
I feel these changes deeply in my soul and mind. Even when it’s hard to feel guilt, I’m choosing both subconsciously and consciously, not to repeat the same mistakes I’ve made before.
It’s not easy to say “thank you” for the challenges and the times I was called out but I don’t carry hate anymore. I’ve let that go.
Me
I realized I’m sick of my false personality: the “little girl,” cheerful, life of the party, people-pleasing version of me that everyone loves, the one who always helps. At the same time, I’ve been working in heavy tech/STEM fields. People don’t take me seriously but keep giving me serious technical problems or other complicated issues no one wants to solve.
I guess every time my real personality shows up, higher-up leaders don’t like it and try to push me out. My people-pleasing personality was there to protect me. Every time I try to be myself, I feel huge anxiety.
Today I realized I have a fake personality every time I pick up my children from daycare to make everyone to love me and love my children. I tried to be myself today and ended up panicking while talking to a teacher. I didn’t know what to say and started having a paranoid episode. Eventually, I put my “happy girl” mask back on when leaving: windows open in the car, my son waving to the teachers, and me smiling, giggling, and saying "he just wanted to say bye-bye and have a good weekend". Remembering this, it feels like a movie episode with me on the stage.
I realized it’s self-protective, and when I don’t have that mask, I feel a lot of anxiety and hate. How do you handle this? Can anyone relate?