Cry for help but no one’s listening
I live alone and have been suffering in silence for a long time. I’ve had depression issues my whole life that I’ve always suppressed and hid. However over the last 5 years it’s gotten much worse. The past year has been really really dark.
I’ve isolated myself from tons of friends, never leave my house, not taking care of myself, not taking care of finances. Not paying bills on time even though I have the money, because I just don’t care anymore. I cry nonstop all day. It’s become a very physical feeling like my skin is crawling and I have crying spiralling breakdowns every day. My mind is so against me. I’m extremely anxious and paranoid. Zero hope or care about the future because I don’t think I’ll make it there.
Earlier today I reached out to my one remaining friend and tried to really explain what’s going on without sugarcoating it. He didn’t not care, but it was a 5 min convo and then changed the topic. I messaged someone else at the same time, but I couldn’t handle getting the same type of reaction. I’ve broken down in front of close coworkers before but they never followed up really. I’ve cried when asked how I am by a close cousin, and she just looked at me kinda weird and changed the subject. I’ve suddenly dropped out of long term social circles with no one reaching out. No drama, just suddenly stopped showing up and deleted all my social media. It’s been years since then.
I always told myself I’d finally be honest with someone (outside of therapists) once it got bad enough. Well now it’s bad enough. I don’t know why, but I assumed they’d do something? Be worried I was going to go through with it? Check in more? At best I get someone asking me if I’m eating well, I say no, and they say “that’s the problem! Just go to the grocery store and get some healthy food.” Like yes I know. I’m well aware. I literally feel repulsed by doing anything that’s “in the right direction”. I don’t eat the food I buy. It rots while I order delivery. I’m like 10 years of depression past “just eat better”
But at the same time I don’t blame them. They don’t get it. I think they think I’m being dramatic but I’m actually really downplaying it. I thought reaching out and being honest was going to be the hard part. Not the fact that they wouldn’t even really care.
And yes I have a therapist, I’ve had a variety of therapists since I was 25. I’m on meds that have sorta helped, lots that haven’t. I’ve told my family doctor, he doesn’t really care either. Had me get blood work and told me nothing was wrong.
I’m almost 40. I’m on a dark path that is rapidly getting shorter.