I know I am the perfect woman for him and he loves me for who I am but I don’t think he is right for me. I know its unfair to pretend and “lead him on”, but breaking up with him will destroy him. I don't think he even realizes that is something that can happen. I guess fear being the asshole but I know there is no way out.
TL;DR: Forced myself to intimacy, repeatedly disappointed in relationship and feel disconnected: Is it fixable or signs that I should leave.
I know this sounds like the answer is obvious and maybe it is, but I really do love him and his family (not important, I’m aware). I know he would do anything for me or at least try since he is really in love with me and I do still care about him as a person, BUT:
He has a very high sex drive (at the beginning I did too) and I fear the fact that he has never really satisfied me sexually lead to my decline in you know what. I know I should have been clear and communicated that asap, but I did still enjoy sex. However, because I am stupid, I also pushed myself to satisfy him when I did not feel like it, and did not say stop… It wasn‘t pleasant. In any case, I believe that has partly lead to my refusal to have sex or hesitance to touch him in any way (even a kiss), which he noticed and we talked about because he needs that in a relationship. He does his best to hide his disappointment when we don’t have sex (and fails) but I don’t know if I ever can again with him.
I don’t think that is the only reason I don’t really enjoy our relationship anymore. Since we met young, maybe I overlooked some things I am now noticing two years later. I don’t like how he speaks about some of my friends or types of women, how he always makes sexual jokes or how he never really planned a single date in two years. I usually point that out (not clearly enough probably) and he tried to do more things with me but nothing really helped.
I know if I told him all of this he would do his best but I don‘t know if I want that (Maybe thats what I need to figure out?). I feel like I imagined a relationship differently in almost every aspect, but I was always happy with him because I really love him and he loves me. I know he probably doesn’t even realize me breaking up with him is an option because he firmly believes in our future (again; we’re young, I know). He likely has not realized how deep the problems I have with him go, but I can’t decide if I want to tell him. Maybe I want something new? I feel like I’ve been disappointed a lot in this relationship and keep thinking about my future.
I know we are young and that relationships are work and that I should talk to him etc. It sounds like I’ve made my mind up but I really know this would break him and his family (And me, for a while). I think I just need to hear what other people think about the situation.