u/Colmadero

**TL;DR Wife and I got married barely knowing each other. I was emotionally and physically absent. Kids were born, I did a full 180. Now wife is distant and blames me for being who she is now.**

This is going to be somewhat long so please bear with me.

Wife and I are 8 years married - 2 kids (4 and 3)

At beginning of our relationship, I wasn't really interested in getting married but I was "dragged" into it by my now-wife. Essentially, I wasn't interested but I wasn't opposed either. She was great to hang out with. We met in April, got married in september\\\~ and moved in December.

The problems began immediately.

At the beginning of every relationship where you move in and you start learning people's quirks and bad habits, we had a very rough patch. I basically physically abandoned her. She would initiate sex and I would rarely reciprocate. She brought this up several times and it would boil down to me apologizing and saying I would try to make it better, which I would try and fallback to being meh. We would still cuddle, hug, kiss - just no sex.

Looking back, I think MAYBE this happened because we met so fast, I didn't assimilate what I was getting myself into. Plus maybe the fact that I had a somewhat "active" bachelors lifestyle and I didn't get to "mourn" it? IDK, tbh.

Fast forward to a few years and after trying a bunch and her being bombarded with studies/drugs/pills, we got pregnant with our first. During her pregnancy, we had sex maybe 2-3 times, because I didn't feel like it. I think I put her up in a pedestal and was more worried about her overall well being (high risk pregnancy) and sex never occurred to me.

When she gave birth to our 1st son, it was like some completely awoke in me. I am a father. I am the father of this child that SHE brought into this world. She birthed MY son. When my son opened up his eyes I cried like I had never cried before. It was at this time that I knew that I had to step up for this kid. For my family. It's funny because she was the one who insisted on having kids. I was initially apprehensive but eventually relented. Boy am I glad I did!

I did a full 180 and was (and am) the most attentive and present husband I've seen (so far). I started planning dates, handling the newborn, then baby, etc. My own mother would even say to me "I would've never guessed you'd become the best father out of all my kids"

Then as fate would have it, we got pregnant with our 2nd. All natural, first time we had sex pp. Again, I withdrew sexually and the tending husband stepped forward. Basically handled baby #1 from 4-6 months until baby #2 was born, prematurely.

For the sake of our sleep, me and baby #1 (who is a HORRIBLE sleeper) slept in another room while she tended to baby #2 mostly on her own. It has been 3 years since we started this arrangement and I'm writing all of this as I lay next to baby (now toddler) #1.

The problem with all this? With the attentive father and present husband, also awoke my very high libido. But now, the inattentive and withdrawing party is my wife.

I am the one now that seeks her and tells her that I miss her (mainly because we no longer sleep in the same bed.) Every time I try to make an advance and I'm rejected, I feel hurt. I've learned to communicate and express my needs but every time we go down that path, she brings up the beginning of our marriage, which I've owned up 100% and said that I'm terribly sorry for not being then what I am now. I have no excuses whatsoever and I'm willing to work on our marriage. For 2 years straight I planned all date nights, handled the nanny arrangements, etc.

However, this has been going on for almost 4 years. The stereotypical cat and mouse: "I'm too tired" "I have a headache" "Maybe tomorrow" (tomorrow never comes) which frustrates me but I try to be understanding. Instead, she spends HOURS watching YouTube videos or doomscrolling, while I sit next to her, marinating in my own resentment.

We both work full time jobs and the kids are in daycare/school. After that, we have a nanny that tends to them until it's bedtime. On the weekends, its just us 4 but I'm all over them and try to do stuff with them. My wife defaults to resorting to screen time.

We've now seen 3 therapists (2 couples therapists and 1 sex therapist) who she "doesn't connect with" because when we both expose everything we've gone through, the therapists seem to side with me, in the form that she needs to put in effort, which she then says she feels "attacked."

I'm seeing my own therapist who says that, while my behavior at the beginning of the relationship was borderline abandonment and inexcusable, SHE chose to stay and cope however she could, and now that the "roles have reversed" I don't have to put up with someone who dismisses or belittles my needs. Even more so when I owned up to it and tried to make amends.

On our last fight, she said "who's going to help me through all the rejection I experienced?" to which I said "I've said I'm sorry a hundred times but that won't fix anything. You can only work on it IF you WANT to work on it. You should go to individual therapy to help you navigate through that and I will be by your side helping you and accompanying you." She has done nothing to go to therapy but does have time to spend 13-14 hours of daily screen time.

Fast-forward to now: I've cried so many times and felt inadequate, unwanted and basically see my wife as a roommate with whom I coparent. I've told her in more that one occasion "this dynamic we have can be done without us being married."

I've stopped initiating altogether and the times we have sex, is because she's in the mood. I go through the motions and make sure she's satisfied but I'm not really enjoying myself.

I've become distant and wary of my interactions with her as stuff I've told her while being vulnerable, she finds a way to weaponize them in an argument. Either that or throwing out the "so now you're unhappy because I AM the one who doesn't want to have sex"

It's almost as if she doesn't want to work on it because it's either too much work or she won't have that as an excuse anymore.

The only thing that gives me pause is the kids. I can handle not seeing them for a week but I don't feel comfortable upending their life/routine like that. Not until I'm 100% sure, at least.

If you've come this far, thank you for reading.

Haha, sorry for no TLDR, but I’ll add one

TL;DR Wife and I got married barely knowing each other. I was emotionally and physically absent. Kids were born, I did a full 180. Now wife is distant and blames me for being who she is now.

This is going to be somewhat long so please bear with me.

Wife and I are 8 years married - 2 kids (4 and 3)

At beginning of our relationship, I wasn't really interested in getting married but I was "dragged" into it by my now-wife. Essentially, I wasn't interested but I wasn't opposed either. She was great to hang out with. We met in April, got married in september\~ and moved in December.

The problems began immediately.

At the beginning of every relationship where you move in and you start learning people's quirks and bad habits, we had a very rough patch. I basically physically abandoned her. She would initiate sex and I would rarely reciprocate. She brought this up several times and it would boil down to me apologizing and saying I would try to make it better, which I would try and fallback to being meh. We would still cuddle, hug, kiss - just no sex.

Looking back, I think MAYBE this happened because we met so fast, I didn't assimilate what I was getting myself into. Plus maybe the fact that I had a somewhat "active" bachelors lifestyle and I didn't get to "mourn" it? IDK, tbh.

Fast forward to a few years and after trying a bunch and her being bombarded with studies/drugs/pills, we got pregnant with our first. During her pregnancy, we had sex maybe 2-3 times, because I didn't feel like it. I think I put her up in a pedestal and was more worried about her overall well being (high risk pregnancy) and sex never occurred to me.

When she gave birth to our 1st son, it was like some completely awoke in me. I am a father. I am the father of this child that SHE brought into this world. She birthed MY son. When my son opened up his eyes I cried like I had never cried before. It was at this time that I knew that I had to step up for this kid. For my family. It's funny because she was the one who insisted on having kids. I was initially apprehensive but eventually relented. Boy am I glad I did!

I did a full 180 and was (and am) the most attentive and present husband I've seen (so far). I started planning dates, handling the newborn, then baby, etc. My own mother would even say to me "I would've never guessed you'd become the best father out of all my kids"

Then as fate would have it, we got pregnant with our 2nd. All natural, first time we had sex pp. Again, I withdrew sexually and the tending husband stepped forward. Basically handled baby #1 from 4-6 months until baby #2 was born, prematurely.

For the sake of our sleep, me and baby #1 (who is a HORRIBLE sleeper) slept in another room while she tended to baby #2 mostly on her own. It has been 3 years since we started this arrangement and I'm writing all of this as I lay next to baby (now toddler) #1.

The problem with all this? With the attentive father and present husband, also awoke my very high libido. But now, the inattentive and withdrawing party is my wife.

I am the one now that seeks her and tells her that I miss her (mainly because we no longer sleep in the same bed.) Every time I try to make an advance and I'm rejected, I feel hurt. I've learned to communicate and express my needs but every time we go down that path, she brings up the beginning of our marriage, which I've owned up 100% and said that I'm terribly sorry for not being then what I am now. I have no excuses whatsoever and I'm willing to work on our marriage. For 2 years straight I planned all date nights, handled the nanny arrangements, etc.

However, this has been going on for almost 4 years. The stereotypical cat and mouse: "I'm too tired" "I have a headache" "Maybe tomorrow" (tomorrow never comes) which frustrates me but I try to be understanding. Instead, she spends HOURS watching YouTube videos or doomscrolling, while I sit next to her, marinating in my own resentment.

We both work full time jobs and the kids are in daycare/school. After that, we have a nanny that tends to them until it's bedtime. On the weekends, its just us 4 but I'm all over them and try to do stuff with them. My wife defaults to resorting to screen time.

We've now seen 3 therapists (2 couples therapists and 1 sex therapist) who she "doesn't connect with" because when we both expose everything we've gone through, the therapists seem to side with me, in the form that she needs to put in effort, which she then says she feels "attacked."

I'm seeing my own therapist who says that, while my behavior at the beginning of the relationship was borderline abandonment and inexcusable, SHE chose to stay and cope however she could, and now that the "roles have reversed" I don't have to put up with someone who dismisses or belittles my needs. Even more so when I owned up to it and tried to make amends.

On our last fight, she said "who's going to help me through all the rejection I experienced?" to which I said "I've said I'm sorry a hundred times but that won't fix anything. You can only work on it IF you WANT to work on it. You should go to individual therapy to help you navigate through that and I will be by your side helping you and accompanying you." She has done nothing to go to therapy but does have time to spend 13-14 hours of daily screen time.

Fast-forward to now: I've cried so many times and felt inadequate, unwanted and basically see my wife as a roommate with whom I coparent. I've told her in more that one occasion "this dynamic we have can be done without us being married."

I've stopped initiating altogether and the times we have sex, is because she's in the mood. I go through the motions and make sure she's satisfied but I'm not really enjoying myself.

I've become distant and wary of my interactions with her as stuff I've told her while being vulnerable, she finds a way to weaponize them in an argument. Either that or throwing out the "so now you're unhappy because I AM the one who doesn't want to have sex"

It's almost as if she doesn't want to work on it because it's either too much work or she won't have that as an excuse anymore.

The only thing that gives me pause is the kids. I can handle not seeing them for a week but I don't feel comfortable upending their life/routine like that. Not until I'm 100% sure, at least.

If you've come this far, thank you for reading.

Haha, sorry for no TLDR, but I’ll add one

This is going to be somewhat long so please bear with me.

Wife and I are 8 years married - 2 kids (4 and 3)

At beginning of our relationship, I wasn't really interested in getting married but I was "dragged" into it by my now-wife. Essentially, I wasn't interested but I wasn't opposed either. She was great to hang out with. We met in April, got married in september~ and moved in December.

The problems began immediately.

At the beginning of every relationship where you move in and you start learning people's quirks and bad habits, we had a very rough patch. I basically physically abandoned her. She would initiate sex and I would rarely reciprocate. She brought this up several times and it would boil down to me apologizing and saying I would try to make it better, which I would try and fallback to being meh. We would still cuddle, hug, kiss - just no sex.

Looking back, I think MAYBE this happened because we met so fast, I didn't assimilate what I was getting myself into. Plus maybe the fact that I had a somewhat "active" bachelors lifestyle and I didn't get to "mourn" it? IDK, tbh.

Fast forward to a few years and after trying a bunch and her being bombarded with studies/drugs/pills, we got pregnant with our first. During her pregnancy, we had sex maybe 2-3 times, because I didn't feel like it. I think I put her up in a pedestal and was more worried about her overall well being (high risk pregnancy) and sex never occurred to me.

When she gave birth to our 1st son, it was like some completely awoke in me. I am a father. I am the father of this child that SHE brought into this world. She birthed MY son. When my son opened up his eyes I cried like I had never cried before. It was at this time that I knew that I had to step up for this kid. For my family. It's funny because she was the one who insisted on having kids. I was initially apprehensive but eventually relented. Boy am I glad I did!

I did a full 180 and was (and am) the most attentive and present husband I've seen (so far). I started planning dates, handling the newborn, then baby, etc. My own mother would even say to me "I would've never guessed you'd become the best father out of all my kids"

Then as fate would have it, we got pregnant with our 2nd. All natural, first time we had sex pp. Again, I withdrew sexually and the tending husband stepped forward. Basically handled baby #1 from 4-6 months until baby #2 was born, prematurely.

For the sake of our sleep, me and baby #1 (who is a HORRIBLE sleeper) slept in another room while she tended to baby #2 mostly on her own. It has been 3 years since we started this arrangement and I'm writing all of this as I lay next to baby (now toddler) #1.

The problem with all this? With the attentive father and present husband, also awoke my very high libido. But now, the inattentive and withdrawing party is my wife.

I am the one now that seeks her and tells her that I miss her (mainly because we no longer sleep in the same bed.) Every time I try to make an advance and I'm rejected, I feel hurt. I've learned to communicate and express my needs but every time we go down that path, she brings up the beginning of our marriage, which I've owned up 100% and said that I'm terribly sorry for not being then what I am now. I have no excuses whatsoever and I'm willing to work on our marriage. For 2 years straight I planned all date nights, handled the nanny arrangements, etc.

However, this has been going on for almost 4 years. The stereotypical cat and mouse: "I'm too tired" "I have a headache" "Maybe tomorrow" (tomorrow never comes) which frustrates me but I try to be understanding. Instead, she spends HOURS watching YouTube videos or doomscrolling, while I sit next to her, marinating in my own resentment.

We both work full time jobs and the kids are in daycare/school. After that, we have a nanny that tends to them until it's bedtime. On the weekends, its just us 4 but I'm all over them and try to do stuff with them. My wife defaults to resorting to screen time.

We've now seen 3 therapists (2 couples therapists and 1 sex therapist) who she "doesn't connect with" because when we both expose everything we've gone through, the therapists seem to side with me, in the form that she needs to put in effort, which she then says she feels "attacked."

I'm seeing my own therapist who says that, while my behavior at the beginning of the relationship was borderline abandonment and inexcusable, SHE chose to stay and cope however she could, and now that the "roles have reversed" I don't have to put up with someone who dismisses or belittles my needs. Even more so when I owned up to it and tried to make amends.

On our last fight, she said "who's going to help me through all the rejection I experienced?" to which I said "I've said I'm sorry a hundred times but that won't fix anything. You can only work on it IF you WANT to work on it. You should go to individual therapy to help you navigate through that and I will be by your side helping you and accompanying you." She has done nothing to go to therapy but does have time to spend 13-14 hours of daily screen time.

Fast-forward to now: I've cried so many times and felt inadequate, unwanted and basically see my wife as a roommate with whom I coparent. I've told her in more that one occasion "this dynamic we have can be done without us being married."

I've stopped initiating altogether and the times we have sex, is because she's in the mood. I go through the motions and make sure she's satisfied but I'm not really enjoying myself.

I've become distant and wary of my interactions with her as stuff I've told her while being vulnerable, she finds a way to weaponize them in an argument. Either that or throwing out the "so now you're unhappy because I AM the one who doesn't want to have sex"

It's almost as if she doesn't want to work on it because it's either too much work or she won't have that as an excuse anymore.

The only thing that gives me pause is the kids. I can handle not seeing them for a week but I don't feel comfortable upending their life/routine like that. Not until I'm 100% sure, at least.

If you've come this far, thank you for reading.