u/Cold_Combination2179

I got to look at our phone bill for the first time today and there were three extra phone lines and a 20 GB per month tablet. I don’t recognize the extra phone lines and he swears they aren’t his- a lot of swearing and screaming, which is what he always does whenever I catch him doing something like this. We are going to T-Mobile and he swears that I am going to feel so stupid when I find out I was wrong and he is probably going to leave me, he says. He’s walking around the house, laughing out loud. And he still has a secret kindle at work.

My husband would probably leave me if he could read some of the things that I have thought about him since I found out about all of the disgusting things he’s been doing online.
I used to love and admire him so much, and I used to find him so attractive. But the fact that he’s been sending his picture to other women so that they can tell him how sexy he is just really cheapens him to me. Did that, “you so handsome and sexy, babe” from a complete stranger make his day to the point where it was worth betraying his marriage?
The lack of integrity and hypocrisy has removed any respect that I had and replaced it with distrust, and I feel disgusted by his ability to present himself as a family man and person of faith while secretly doing terrible things that are not just slip ups, but take planned deception.
Further, I have become physically repulsed. I can picture the look on his face while he’s masturbating to porn. I realize now that the times he had a sore penis and needed ointment was due to masturbating with the death grip. I realize now that the reason ointment has gone missing from the bathroom, the reason I found condoms had a heart attack several times, and the reason one of the kids’ Kindles went missing was due to excessive porn use, chatting with online sex workers, and masturbation while doing so- many times while at work.
I realize that the three times he was fired during the last five years was probably due to poor performance because he was acting on his sexual addiction at work.
And the way he is able to gaslight me really makes me want to throw up. He tried to tell me that he only started chatting with other women after I made an offensive comment to him during an argument- however, this argument happened three years into our marriage, and I found chats with women three weeks before our marriage and three weeks after.
When I found a suspicious purchase on our bank card, he swore he didn’t make that purchase, screaming at me and calling me an asshole. Only when I decided to leave him that day did he suddenly remember that he did make that purchase. It wasn’t something you would forget about.
And he does not think that he has a problem.

I think my husband is a sex and relationship addict as well as a porn addict. He lets me look at his phone every day after multiple D days. But I know that he took our daughter‘s Kindle to his office and logged into Telegram. I’m telling him we can’t move forward until he brings this Kindle home and he says he can’t find it. Of course I don’t believe a thing he says, I have learned not to. But I am wondering, how are people able to find trust in a partner who is actually in recovery when you know that they can just use devices that you don’t have access to and hide them?

I’ve had so many D days related to online chatting with women about sex and relationships. I know that I’m dealing with an addict and he is claiming that he could quit anything cold turkey and that he has stopped.

But I have confronted him recently because he took our daughter‘s Kindle to his workplace, and I can tell that he logged onto Telegram with it. I’m sure that he logged onto all kinds of other things, as well as as he is known to watch porn and chat with women while at work, and in fact has lost multiple jobs. how could I ever relax with him just having his own office in a building that I don’t have access to?
He claims that he can’t find the Kindle and he will bring it home as soon as he finds it. I can’t handle this exhaustion and anxiety. I think I’m going to have to leave him. What do you think about the fact that your partner can just get other devices and hide them and that being able to look through his phone is just not the end of it?