u/Clowny-McCircus

My mother controls everything, she has trackers on my phone to view my location, she has parental controls on it as well. I can’t leave the house without telling her first and she has access to my bank account…

I’m 20 years old btw. (United States)

She’s absolutely opposed to the idea that she’s controlling and we’ve gotten into a lot of fights over it. She’s also extremely against me getting hormones or transitioning at all under her roof. I’d have run away or left if it wasn’t for the fact I’m reliant on her for my insulin (type one diabetes) and shelter and food.

I can’t get any hormones online as she’d go through my mail probably I can’t risk her finding anything like that, i was also told today that she probably has power of attorney over me which limits my options even more.

She says I’m “behind mentally” and “developmentally challenged” because of my autism and other things.

I’ve lost almost all of my hope to be honest, I can’t do anything except cry in my room, I’ve tried gofundmes (she found it and of course got upset) a friend sent me girl clothes and she lost her mind over “putting the family in danger” because i gave said friend my address. I feel like I’ll never be able to transition because she literally controls everything about my life…

I feel like there’s no way out, I’m trapped..

For context I know I’m trans (mtf) and I’m also pangender as well. I haven’t started hormones yet but I hope to soon.

The issue I’m having is idk what I want to be. Somedays I wanna be buff and big but still feminine and pretty, and other days I want to be a small and cute femboy/girl.

Maybe I’m idealizing characters from animated shows, I should know irl I wouldn’t look like they do lol.

The frustrating thing is that I wish my brain would make up its mind instead of wanting to be everything and anything other than what I am rn. Maybe I should wait until i get on hormones and then figure it out because I know regardless if I end up wanting to be big or small I wanna be feminine…

It’s weird being pangender, I like it because I love being everything and being fluid like that. But right now I just feel like I’m nothing, maybe that’s why my brain is like this? I wish i could shapeshift at will..

Has anybody else felt like this? Any advice would be rly appreciated thx 🙏

Thx for reading sry if its confusing

So i have a trans friend who’s offering to send me some estrogen vials that she has stockpiled (like 10 or so vials) I’m considering saying yes but there’s a couple reasons why I’m hesitant.

For one, I’m worried that the estrogen will become testosterone within the anti-androgens and stuff. The last thing I need is MORE testosterone 😭

Secondly, my mother. She’s extremely overprotective and controlling (even though she says she isn’t) she’s said she isn’t comfortable with me being on hormones, says I’ll never pass and is basically trying to gaslight me into not pursuing it. She’s transphobic even if she doesn’t realize it. An online friend once sent me a sweater and skirt for my birthday and she lost her mind because i gave them my address…. If she found out i was doing hormones behind her back my life would get so much worse. I’m scared to try as its risky 😞

So what do you think? Should i take my friend up on her offer or just wait…idk when the next opportunity like this would come along so maybe…I just dunno

Lmk what you girls think 🙏 thx for reading