u/ClearButterscotch870

I need some outside perspective because this situation feels way bigger than just a baby shower at this point.

I’m currently pregnant and planning one baby shower. My mom is hosting it.

My mother-in-law told my husband she doesn’t want to attend if a specific person is there (someone she considers “toxic”). When this got back to me, I addressed it directly and said a baby shower is about celebrating the baby, not avoiding people, and that adults should be able to coexist for a few hours.

She doubled down and said she doesn’t find it immature to avoid “toxic people” and that it’s for her personal peace. Then she suggested hosting a second baby shower at her house in her city instead of attending ours.

I told her no. I’m not splitting one celebration into multiple events to accommodate adult conflict. She’s free to not attend, but I’m not creating another party.

Then the reasoning shifted. Suddenly it’s “not about the conflict,” but about people in her area who can’t travel and want to celebrate. This second shower was never mentioned until she decided she didn’t want to attend ours.

Now here’s the bigger picture/history:

- She already made a scene with her son about not being the one hosting the baby shower, since my mom is planning it

- That situation directly caused a fight between me and my husband

- There’s been a pattern of her saying hurtful things about me and then expecting things to move on without real accountability (she has multiple times called me and my family white trash & caused problems at the wedding)

- I’ve tried multiple times to keep things civil or improve the relationship, and it often ends with more comments or behavior that makes me feel disrespected

- During my pregnancy (which has already been stressful), I’ve felt like I have to manage her emotions on top of everything else

- Now with this situation, it feels like she’s trying to control how things are done (hosting, guest list dynamics, location, etc.) instead of just showing up to support us

- When I set a boundary, the response tends to be either deflection, reframing the issue, or positioning herself as the victim, or my husband turning around and starting fights over "my mom just wanting to be included"

She also invited us to a separate going-away party right after all of this???? acting casual, which just added to the confusion.

At this point, I feel like i set a reasonable boundary, The reasoning keeps changing depending on what sounds better, There’s an ongoing issue with control and not being the one “in charge”, I’m being expected to carry emotional weight I don’t have the capacity for right now

Because at this point, this doesn’t feel like it’s about celebrating a baby anymore. it feels like a power struggle I didn’t sign up for.

Would genuinely appreciate outside perspectives.

I need some outside perspective because this situation feels ridiculous.

I’m currently pregnant (its VERY EARLY a little over 2 months along)and planning one baby shower. My mom is hosting it. Pretty standard.

Here’s where things start getting messy. My mother-in-law told my husband she doesn’t want to attend the shower if a specific person is there (someone she considers “toxic”). When this got back to me, I addressed it directly and said that avoiding someone for a few hours at a baby shower shouldn’t be that hard, and that the event is about celebrating the baby. not adult conflicts.

Her response? She doubled down and said she doesn’t find it immature to avoid “toxic people” and that it’s for her personal peace. Then she suggested hosting a second baby shower in her city instead of attending the one we already have started to plan.

For added context:

She already made a scene with her son about the fact that my mom is hosting the baby shower, which caused a fight between me and my husband.

The idea of a second shower never came up until she decided she didn’t want to attend because of this other person.

She wants to host this second event at her house, with her people.

I told her no. I said I’m not willing to split what should be one celebration into multiple events just to accommodate personal conflicts. I made it clear she’s free to choose not to attend, but I’m not rearranging things or creating additional parties because adults can’t coexist for a few hours.

She then tried to reframe it as “not about the conflict,” saying there are people in her area who would love to celebrate but can’t travel. That feels like a complete pivot from the original reasoning.

She also invited us to a separate going-away party right after all of this, acting casual, while also saying she’s in an “uncomfortable situation” and appreciates my empathy.

At this point, I feel like I set a reasonable boundary, The reasoning keeps shifting depending on what sounds better,There’s underlying tension about her not being the one hosting, And I’m being expected to accommodate everything while pregnant??

My real questions are:

1. Is it unreasonable to refuse a second baby shower, even if more people “would attend”?

2. Does this clearly read as being about avoiding someone, despite the rebranding?

3. Am I off base for feeling like hosting it at her house makes it more about her than the baby?

4. Does the fact she already caused issues over not being the host change how this comes across?

Because from where I’m sitting, this feels less like genuine support and more like control disguised as compromise.

Would love honest opinions.