Intermittent insomnia
It takes ages to sleep, and then waking up at the same times. Really exhausted and then can wake up mid nightmare.
Propranolol doesn't really do much. I haven't had many fears in adult life but granted these past few months, the grief of different things and loss has really sent my mind dizzying.
I lose myself in routine in the day but feelings come out at night.
I'm scared to hurt and feel, so it's been easier to build up walls around me. I miss feeling safe, the feeling of being wrapped up and feeling so secure and making someone proud. Feels like a lifetime ago, of feeling normal or sleeping well.
Emotionally in a coma.
Time passes.
Externally succeeding and disciplined
Internally mainly numb - or fear when I wake up at night.
Not necessarily looking for response, just words on a screen late at night.
I feel so proud of progress made with routine, keeping up socialising and doing well at work. I just feel so out of reach, like an astronaut drifting in a space movie. I yearn familiarity and safety, I'm completely closed off deeply from most, I can't make myself available. Novelty or new feels an impossibility now, and I think probably ever.
Long reset needed.