u/Classic_Reality_6944

I know that he is abusive and that I don’t deserve it but …. I just can’t bring myself to leave. There are a multitude of reasons - I’m scared that he will contact my job and try to get me fired. I’m scared of him hurting my mom. I’m scared that I won’t have anyone to talk to, he’s like my whole world right now.

And I’m scared of how it’s going to feel to really miss him and our inside jokes. I’m scared of being alone. What if I never make friends again and it’s just me? I’m really really scared dad.

I’m scared of getting divorced. I’m scared to tell the story. I’m scared that people will pity me. I’m really really scared to even start a divorce.

I tried to contact my actual father about this. I told him that I was in a relationship with someone who treated me just like he treated my mom. I tried to get him to read between the lines. He responded and said he was great to my mom. No questions about me.

I’m in my late 20s and I know I could start over now. But it’s so scary. I fucked it up so bad in my early 20s getting involved with him. I’m probably just going to fuck it up again and end up with someone even worse.

I’ve asked for help in the DV sub and nothing seems to snap me out of it. So please, be my dad. Snap me out of it. If you have a little girl, pretend this is her begging for something to work. Snap me out of it. Please please snap me out of it.

I am so so so tired of this constant fear and pressure. I want to get out. I want to be a normal girl age. I want friends. I want to go out. I want a partner who doesn’t hurt me and is patient with me. I want to be ME again.

And I daydream about it. I think that I will just let him go next time …. But then a fight starts and I just want the good version of him back.

What worked for you??? I am scared of him retaliating. I don’t even want to write that because I’m scared that I will bring it on myself.

But what clicked? What was stronger than the trauma bond?

Please. I want to be free like the birds are again. I used to be like that above all. I just want to be me again.

If I say im going to do the dishes, laundry, or take out the trash, his response is always “Are you sure?” And then he proceeds to talk or even sometimes coerce me out of it.

His living areas are … well. Dumps. Piles of papers, trash and sometimes months old coffee cups all over the place. He just drops things everywhere instead of properly disposing of them.

He gets irritated when I tidy too. He can never give a good reason for it. Just “It’s what boring people do.”

I know there could be a myriad of reasons related to this …. But is this at all tied to his abusive actions? Does he just want me to live the most miserable existence possible?